WE HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!!!

my hormones lol

This weekend I went to C2E2 again and also had to work..so..it was a very busy weekend.

I picked a very big fight with my boyfriend on Saturday night that I forgot to write about.

I'm going to blame it on my hormones. I remember thinking to myself "I'm overreacting but at the same time, he just makes me so damn mad..."

My hormones are really out of control this month. Every time I run out of my birth control (not just the last week but the last PACK of pills as well), I become this HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE person and Ian gets the brunt of it.

Things got so bad that I walked out of his apartment at 12 in the morning and then stood outside of a closed restaurant crying hysterically on the phone to Juan.

After I called Ian a bunch of bad names and put him through a guilt trip, he finally came outside and made me go back inside and sleep and said I could go home during more reasonable hours if I still wanted to.

I listened to what I was saying to Juan and again part of me said "I'm overreacting" but another part of me said "BUT I'M SO MAD!!"

I blame a lot of our relationship issues on myself and my attitude. If I didn't act so crazy, things probably wouldn't be so bad between us. But at the same time, I know that Ian has to take responsibility for his actions or lack thereof.

I cried in bed for a really long time and just thought about what I had done and felt so ashamed of myself that there was nothing left for me to do but cry. And I cried so hard that I could barely even breath.

By the morning we were able to patch things up. But to be honest, I really don't remember much of what happened because I was so exhausted from working all day, crying and lack of sleep.

So yeah, I basically got no sleep that night and for some reason, Ian felt it necessary to keep me up at 745 a.m. when I decided to go use the bathroom and drink some water. And every time I tried going back to bed that day, he would purposely wake me up and prevent me from sleeping (I'm still trying to figure out why he did that).

Sunday afternoon/evening I was still a wreck on the inside and almost started crying while we were out to dinner because I just began thinking about all of my problems which made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

By 8 p.m. I could barely even walk because I was so tired.

I fell asleep before 11 p.m. and when I woke up it was almost 9.

I'm still recuperating from C2E2, the fight, my hormones and my lack of sleep.

I wish I was not so horrible to my boyfriend every time I get my period. He doesn't deserve it and I don't understand it. But this month was by far the worst for me and I remember the last time I ran out of a packet of pills, I was just as outrageous as I was this weekend.

Since I put myself through a guilt trip about Miguel, I scheduled a sleep over with him for this Tuesday and even sacrificed my normal Wednesdays with Ian to spend the day with Miguel at the aquarium. I know my mom isn't going to like it because it basically means that I will not be home Tuesday - next Monday but at this point, I don't really care since I'm moving out........at some point.

I think we have somewhat hit a wall with the apartment hunting. Ian applied for a place we looked at earlier on but he hasn't heard back from them yet and I'm getting really anxious about it because I just want to get out of here already.

I went to the doctor last week and found out that I still have high blood pressure and the doctor said even though I'm on medication, if it stays high then I have to take another medication that could further prevent me from having children. Even though I've pretty much decided that I don't want to physically give birth to a child because I know how difficult it would be for me and how many health risks are involved, I still want to have kids. Even if it means going into debt because we decide that we want doctors to take out one of my eggs and put it into another woman or going to a foreign country and adopting a baby and dealing with the same struggles my parents did - i.e. people telling them I wasn't REALLY their daughter, fighting with them because we just didn't mesh well, stuff like that..

I would just be curious to know what our own kid would look like and if it would have a big attitude like me or have anger issues like Ian. If it would be tall with really curly hair or fat with straight hair. One day it'll happen but not today.

I also found out that since my last doctor visit with my regular doctor (this doctor I went to go see last week was my dad's primary doctor and is also my mom's primary doctor) I have lost more than 35 pounds, mostly due to my job and the heavy lifting and cleaning and walking back and forth to grab things from the back room. I do know that shortly after I started seeing Ian, I actually put on weight from not being at work and doing practically nothing unless I was with Ian or my friends. So it was a big deal for me to find out that I lost weight since I can't remember the last time I lost that much in a somewhat short time span without going above and beyond to diet, exercise and basically starve myself. And starving myself and then eating like crazy is what made me diabetic to begin with. I'm kind of hoping that I continue losing weight and then I will no longer be diabetic but I know it's something I'd have to work at and I'd have to actually start going out and running again like I used to. It's difficult when it's cold, you don't really know if your neighborhood is safe anymore and you don't have any good running shoes.

the past

I wish things were the way they used to be.

I seldom feel this way but I miss my old friend.

I miss getting mad at him for leaving me by myself while he socialized with boys at clubs.

I miss sleeping over on his uncomfortable twin mattress on the floor and hearing him fart loudly periodically throughout the night.

I miss tackling him in his bed and having a tickle fight.

I just miss him. Period.

I keep telling myself that as soon as I move out, it'll all be alright but the closer we get to moving, the more I have to wonder if that's really true.

Our friendship has definitely taken a toll because of my relationship. And I regret it. Instead of spending my days off with Ian or at school helping Juan and the kids with the paper, I should have just been with Miguel.

I guess what hurts me is that he will always be my best friend in my book but I know I'm no longer his best friend. I've been replaced.

Alas, I'm sitting in bed crying because I feel so awful about this whole situation. He just doesn't care anymore and I care too much. When he wanted to spend time with me, I didn't make the time. I totally took him for granted.

I just wish we could see each other more and be close like we used to. I'm thankful for the close friendships I do still have but it's hard because Miguel and I were so close for so many years and now, just NOW, I'm starting to realize how far we've grown apart from one another.

I'm gonna try and do better but at this point I just feel like it's all a lost cause.

I am really tired of coming across small things (they all add up, mind you) and then feeling totally inadequate about myself.

Maybe I don't feel like turning the other cheek or a blind eye or whatever.

Maybe I just want to for once in my god damned life feel like I am ENOUGH.

I know that we are supposed to make compromises in life but maybe I don't feel like compromising my dignity anymore.

And of course he will have no idea why I feel this way and will make me feel irrational and stupid.

I just want to feel like I'm enough and he never seems to understand that.

If I felt as though I was good enough, maybe I wouldn't constantly be so down on myself.

What more do I have to do to prove that I need help with my self-esteem?

How come everyone else gets it except him?

I have found out a number of things and let them slide.

Am I the fool for doing this?

I'm starting to think that I am.

change.

It's amazing how 3 1/2 years can make such a difference. I was looking through an old account of a social networking site I was on because of one or two of my school friends. And I don't remember much but I do remember not liking it at all because it was so much like MySpace but it was put together very poorly. It was hard for me to use and I never really took the time to learn how to use it efficiently.

I went through a feed of comments between me and one of my closest friends at the time. And as I wrote Colin in an email a few minutes ago, that friend and I were so mean to each other. It just makes me think about how I was and who I've become and what got me to where I am. I know that I had a big chip on my shoulder because my dad died six months before then. I also know that I didn't really take it upon myself to explain my situation to people so that they could better understand what I was going through.

I still look back on my dad's death and remember that two of my closest friends basically turned their backs on me. I have always felt that any relationship is a two way street; you gotta give a little and take a little.

I remember how angry I was at the two of them. I knew that they were saying hurtful things about me but looking back, I also know that I said many hurtful things to them and about them and others. I think the reason why I backlashed on so many people who were close to me was because they didn't understand and they didn't want to try and understand what I was going through. Only one of my friends had lost his father and he often talked to me about what he went through when his dad died and how he once hit something so hard, he was walking down the street to the hospital leaving a trail of blood. I remember thinking that I had not gone that far but now I feel like instead of being physically violent I was just being emotionally violent towards myself and to the people closest to me.

Because of what I went through and because my friend never really took the time to sit me down and understand how I was feeling and instead told me I needed therapy and medication, our friendship has never and will never be the same. I'm sure that all I think about is how she talked about me, even to my mother at my own birthday party, and all she thinks about is how angry I was at everyone and blamed everybody else for my own problems and did nothing but drove people away from me.

It's hard to think that people have changed when you don't give them the opportunity to show that they're different people now.

Because of my depression and my grieving, I also lost Colin about a year after my dad's death. So for about two years we were not a part of each other's lives and as I told him, I really regret it. I wish I could go back and repair our friendship. I think of how I treated him and I don't blame him for walking out of my life. Back then, I couldn't figure it out and didn't think I'd done anything wrong but with contemplation, I did realize that it was basically impossible for people to be friends with me.

I try explaining to people what a mess I was but they don't understand the severity of the situation or what I was feeling. People who were right there, watching me fall apart, still don't understand why I was the way I was and still hold it against me. I remember what pissed me off the most was when someone told me NOT to be emotional about it and I just sat there thinking "okay, well when your dad dies, who you are obviously really close to, we'll talk then." He thought and still thinks he knows everything because he was in the army. What's unfortunate is that the two of us will never be friends and we'll never be able to patch things up because we're both really stubborn people who can't admit when we've done wrong.

And at the same time, I think about Juan and Miguel and Laura. I think of how Laura came into my life less than a year after my dad died and even though she saw what I was going through, she stood by me. She never understood how people could just turn their backs on me, even after I explained how awful I'd been. I think about how Juan always listened to me or let me cry without judging me. He was and still is the only friend I have who will talk to me without passing any judgment. I've never had a friend do that for me and I'm thankful that he became a part of my life when everyone else was treating me like shit. And even though Miguel didn't fully understand how I was feeling until his grandfather passed away, he was always there for me. No matter how angry or depressed I was. He always found a way to make me laugh and forget about everything else for a few minutes.

I keep looking back and I don't know how I would have survived without them. The three of them specifically always pushed me in the right direction and really, in the end, helped with my recovery process.