Tired of feeling alone

I haven't been sleeping much the past week or so. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats or in tears. If I'm not having a nightmare about something, I just wake up in a rush. I feel as though I've slept for a thousand years - I don't feel well rested, if anything I feel like the exact opposite. I feel exhausted...like I'm so tired that I just can't sleep.

I'm stressed out, mostly because I don't know what to do about our lives at home anymore. All he cares about is himself. We're growing apart and I seem to be the only one who complains about it and I get absolutely nowhere.

It's mentally exhausting trying to tell someone over and over again that you feel neglected, that you feel a coldness coming from them, that you feel helpless, that you feel sad about where things are, that you feel like you are fighting a losing battle all by yourself.

I think this is why I don't sleep well anymore.

And then let's add in getting yelled at for no reason at all. I didn't like getting yelled at by my parents and pretty much stopped standing for it at a young age. Many people found this to be a problem - I did not. I felt that if it was necessary for me to respect my elders, I was to receive the same amount of respect. I refused to get yelled at and not be allowed to express my feelings. So I am also not going to stand for it when someone a year older than me thinks they can take out their frustrations at other people, on me.

I don't know where to go from here. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's just one of those months...but it is impossible for him to grow and change. I feel that he may always be stuck in his ways so where does that leave me?

YouTube

Recorded this about an hour and a half ago. The guitar playing is a karaoke track someone made. Vocal track is me singing, without any auto-tune or other vocal features.

After many years of laziness, I'm finally getting my act together. I'm going to start recording songs with Samson (when he finds the time) and I'm going to post the videos on youtube. We'll see what happens. Have been experimenting a little bit today with Audacity. I need to buy a microphone. There's one I want to buy, but it's around $80 so I'm either going to buy it when I get paid on Monday and then suffer from severe buyers remorse since Christmas is right around the corner OR I'm going to wait until after Christmas...I don't know if I'm that patient though.

Thanksgiving was very nice. Ian, his mom Colleen and I went over to my mother's house for dinner. She cooked so much food that it barely all fit on the table. She made cauliflower with breadcrumbs on top (she's been doing this for years and I love it. I won't eat cauliflower any other way. She also does this with egg noodles - something my great grandmother used to do), she made carrots, she made mashed potatoes, gravy, got raspberry/cranberry sauce - which was actually pretty good, she made this green bean casserole that I think she made last year but I didn't get a lot of it because we had a whole bunch of people over (glad she gave me two big spoonfuls of it to take home to eat this week), rolls, stuffing, and of course the turkey.

This year, my mom and Julio (her fiancee) got a fresh turkey from this place called Paulina Meat Market. It tasted pretty different, not as dry and didn't seem like it was as difficult to pull the meat off of the bones when I was watching my mom plate it.

The only difficult part was when I actually tried having a conversation with my mother. I am often reminded that I can never really rely on her, that she sees me as an adult who was once her child but no longer needs her...but then she'll say shit to me like "you'll always be my baby, no matter what." Okay, then why is it so difficult for you to be a mom?

My mom has a Nintendo DS that is just sitting in her dresser - I have played it more times than she has. So I asked if I could have it or buy it from her for $50 (this is the second version of the DS so it's really not worth much money) and she immediately started shaking her head no. I then had to explain that they have come out with at least two or three newer versions of the DS and that the DS lite was about $70 at a video game store so she was getting a good deal with me paying $50 for it. Then she said "you can buy it for $100." -_- and then said that she would give me the games she has for it (which the majority of are really shitty and I would probably just end up selling them since I have no interest in playing them) and I just ended up not talking to her about it anymore. Then she goes "you could pay me in installments." Like we were doing some kind of business deal instead of just saying "you know, you can have it. I don't use it. At all." It seriously pisses me off. She is the most money hungry person I've ever met and she is probably the reason why it's very difficult for me to save because through the majority of my adolescence and adulthood, my mother has given me very little. Any time I asked for reasonable things like...paying for my COMMUNITY COLLEGE education, it would turn into this huge disagreement.

I often find that there is only a certain amount of time that I can spend with my mother and I'm thankful that I'm able to leave the house when I want to and not have to listen to any of her bullshit.

Lately I have just been feeling really indifferent about my entire life.

Probably because it makes me sad.

my new hobby

I'm pretty sure that my hair has become more brown. Of course it's more noticeable in better light but nevertheless, it's still there.

I'm not sure if my hair is growing. I think it'll take a couple of months before I really notice a difference but I've been doing it at least every other day. There were a few times last week when I did it a couple days in a row.

Instead of individually rubbing the oil into different parts of my scalp, I've just been pouring a little into the palms of my hands, rubbing them together and then putting it on my head. My hair is just as moisturized and it's faster. There are certain parts that I do still focus on individually applying the coconut oil to but for the most part I just make sure that I cover every inch of my head, especially the ends.

I have a new hobby. On Monday I started knitting. I taught myself by watching YouTube videos. I'm completely obsessed, which is usually what happens when I get into something new. I'm working on a Christmas scarf right now (Red and green yarn) and I'm just getting ready to start the third piece of the scarf. I'm kind of tempted to go back to Joann Fabrics this weekend and pick up more green and red yarn just in case I run out.

Somehow, my friend Colin convinced us to go see Breaking Dawn at midnight this week. I'm mostly just going to see how crazy people get and at least I'll have the scarf to work on while I'm sitting in line.

Procrastination is a big bitch...

For the past hour I've been reading people's tweets.

Yeah. I never do that. I'm so ashamed.

I'm really excited about the new Muppets movie. So much so that I may buy myself a Kermit the frog puppet and walk around the apartment with him and scare the crap out of my cats.

Also, the closer our time to move out comes around, the more I think about saving the money to buy my grandma's condo..because then Ian and I could just pay $250 a month each, have our own washer and dryer, two bathrooms, a den, a living room, a dining room, a big bedroom...yeah. We have to talk about this when I get home. The way I see it, the money we attempt to save will be a better investment. Must talk to mom and uncle about this some time soon.

hair update #3

I've been using coconut oil for about a week now and a few people have told me that they can see a difference in my hair. It still maintains a decent amount of volume and my hair is still very soft. I haven't really noticed a change in the color yet but I won't mind either way, whether it happens or not.

I've pretty much been doing the same routine since the beginning - I rub the coconut oil into my scalp and I take a bit into the palm of my hand so that I can moisturize all of my hair. I put a plastic bag on my head because I'm too lazy and too poor to buy a shower cap (i will buy one this weekend). After about an hour or so, I wash it out with shampoo and wash my hair again the next morning just to be sure the coconut oil doesn't leave my hair too greasy. I usually will not condition my hair until the following day. I use the oil on my hair every other day so on the days I do not use it, I am using conditioner.

I still haven't seen too much hair fall so that's good. I also think that it's growing. Depending on if my hair grows back thicker, I may cut it again next month. Still waiting on results though. So far, very satisfied.

marriage

I've spent my morning thinking about how we are still not engaged, not married, not planning for anything like that.

I really, truly believe that Ian doesn't even want to be married to me anymore. There isn't anything that I can do about it. That's why it's so frustrating.

To be honest, I'm worried that we will have been dating for so long that we won't want to be married to each other. I worry that one day I'll ask myself - "why would I want to spend the rest of my life with him? We've been together so long...what's the point of getting married?"

I'm tired of settling. I feel as though that's all I've been doing almost ever since the beginning of our relationship. All I do is accept "this is as much as Ian can give right now." And I've just kind of grown very tired of it.

I've spent my entire life around people who didn't care about what I truly wanted. I guess that's how I'll continue living out my days.

Absolute bullshit...

my dog died

About a year ago, my dog Nemo had to be put to sleep. This morning my mom had to put our other dog Teddy to sleep as well. It was devastating. The poor little dog had struggled his entire life. He had epilepsy, was taking all of these medications. The most recent problem was an enlarged heart and that finally damaged his liver irreparably. The vet told my mom that even though he was active and playful, that he could crash at any time. Yesterday Juan, Ian and I went to my mom's house and Teddy was right there to greet us as the door. He seemed fine but my mom kept telling me what the vet said. I guess it's better that my last memory of him is how to the very end he remained obedient and walked me to the door and shook his butt towards me like he always did. It's better that I do not have the same memory I do of Nemo - barely being able to walk, seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing that he just wanted it all to end.

I loved both of my dogs very much and I am completely saddened that I've lost both of them. I'm also concerned for my mother. Thankfully, her fiancee has two dogs that live in the house with them so she's still able to keep busy with them. It's not the same though.

Ian's solution is to get me a dog. I've been wanting a dog for a really long time...even before Nemo and Teddy passed away. My mother's answer to that was that I could have a cat instead. Working at the pet store for a year kind of suppressed my feeling of wanting a dog because I got to spend the majority of my week playing with them, giving them treats, putting coats or boots on them during the winter.

I'd like to have a dog but I know our apartment doesn't allow it. I often wonder what would happen if I went and talked to the landlord about that, if we got a small dog would that be okay? I'd just like to have a dog to take for walks and play in the park with. And I always tell Ian that if we ever have children, I always want to have a dog in the house so the kids can pass those values onto their own children - that having a dog is such a wonderful experience. It's a lot of responsibility but it's also fun. There are so many shelters filled with dogs that need good homes and I just wish I could take all of them home and spoil them but I know that's not humanly possible.

The only problem I see is Flynn having an issue with a dog. Molly is used to it. I think that at one point she thought she was a dog herself. I remember when she was a kitten, she would pounce on top of Teddy and he'd just walk all over the house like "okay...there's this thing on me...and it has claws...and it's small..." Just accepting that Molly wanted someone to play with. Nemo was always afraid of her, because Nemo was scared of his own shadow but Teddy often indulged Molly's playful attitude.

I will miss my dog very much but I hope that if there's a heaven, that he's up there with my dad and my other dogs we've lost. And I also hope that some day, when it's time for me to go up there, they'll all be there waiting. Playing in endless fields of tall grass with my dad.

I put the coconut oil in my hair last night and used a lot more. Mostly by accident. It spilled over the palm of my hand when I was just trying to get a little out of the bottle. I have read that the henna makes your hair turn brown but that's okay with me. That won't stop me from using it as my hair is already kind of brown and black.

I may use it again tonight, just to see what the results are like tomorrow. Woke up with hair volumized like the other morning. I do notice that when I'm running my fingers through my hair, I can actually feel (and it hurts!) when I accidentally pull out a hair. In general though, I have a lot less hair fall than before I started this treatment. I'm hoping to see results within a month or two.

Day 2

I wash my hair every day (it's a compulsive thing. If my hair grows back fuller then I'll be willing to wash it every other day).

So I took a shower this morning, shampooed and conditioned my hair and blowdried it. It came out a lot more volumized than usual and it was still very soft. I'm going to do another treatment tonight when I get home and intend on keeping the oil in my hair for at least a few hours, going to wash it out and see how my hair responds to that.

Today I noticed very little hair shedding. When I got home yesterday, my hair was not greasy at all. Usually after a full day of touching my hair, it looks a lot thinner especially after I go to the gym (which is what I did yesterday) and if I don't blow dry it.

My mom said that if this helps with hair growth in general, she's going to try it because she's trying to grow out her hair as much as possible for her wedding in April.

Not much to report on today. I have a bunch of photos I have to edit for my 365 photo project I'm doing on facebook. It's cloudy and raining. We have nothing planned for the weekend but I think that's what I need since I've been pretty tired this week.

Day 1 of coconut oil treatment

Last night I started using the Vatika coconut oil for my hair. The fragrance is really strong...and it's not what I expected. I didn't do too much research in how to apply the coconut oil but I'll be trying different things. I put the bottle under some warm water because coconut oil becomes a solid in colder temperatures. The bad thing is that it started to leak out of the bottle even though I had the lid closed tight. I ended up putting the bottle in a ziplock bag this morning.

After the coconut oil was more liquid-y, I applied it with my finger tips and just rubbed it into my scalp, mostly in the problem areas which are the top and front parts of my head. Because I didn't buy a shower cap, I used a plastic bag lol. I tied it really tight and could feel it getting warmer. I let it sit for about half an hour (when I do it again tomorrow, I may leave it in for an hour) and then washed it out with Aveda shampoo. I read that you should not use conditioner because it'll make your hair even more greasy, which was completely true because even after I rinsed out the coconut oil with my shampoo, my hair was very soft and it felt as if I'd already conditioned it.

This morning my hair was REALLY soft and fluffy. I always wake up with bed head in the morning because I toss and turn a lot. Usually, my hair is really greasy in the morning from using product the day before if I chose to blow dry it but today it had a lot of volume and it was really shiny. Me = very happy.

I washed my hair again this morning and conditioned it, which I think was a mistake. It's more greasy than I'd prefer. Maybe it just feels greasy to me even though it's not because it's so soft. I'm happy with the first day results. I should also note that I noticed a lot less hair shedding. I'll be treating my hair three times a week with the coconut oil.

I feel like no matter what I do, I can never catch a break. Super stressed out and not getting any support from anyone.