Day 23

Day 23: Something you crave a lot.

Tacos.

I woke up in a really foul mood.

Maybe I'm not okay with always having my feelings disregarded. And maybe it's not okay that I constantly feel like I'm coming in last place.

mothers and daughters/sons

I thought I might take this time to talk about the relationship I have with my mom.

We don't really get along. We've been arguing ever since I learned how to talk. There are days when I don't like her and I'm sure there are days when she doesn't like me.

We have never and never will have that bond between mother and daughter. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I was adopted or because instead of showering me with love, she often showered me with gifts and food.

My dad and I were always very close because he just let me be. My mom has constantly been the one to push me down then wonder why I don't get back up immediately. She's always tried to force a friendship between us. So many times in fact, that I can't even remember how often I've told her "I don't want you to be my friend. I want you to be my mother." I think that she probably dreamed of having this perfect daughter who would talk to her about everything and anything and instead she got this rebellious, stubborn, brutally honest child who was anything but perfect.

My mom fails to remember the times she pretended to call the police or even worse - the adoption agency. That's right. My mom used to pretend to call the adoption agency to take me back and get a refund. I don't have enough imagination to make things like this up.

My dad hit me a few times as a kid and I remember most of the instances. The one time I actually bled, I can't remember because I was so young.

Instead of being brought up in a home filled with love and laughter, I was brought up in a home where fights occurred on a weekly basis between either the two parents or one of the parents and the child. I was brought up in a home that had more hospital visits than it did embraces. There were good times as well. We traveled a lot. My dad got information out of me that he'd later tell my mom, I'm sure.

Unfortunately, when I turned 15, my mother had watched her fair share of Ricky Lake and Maury and was convinced that I was on drugs. I came home one evening to find my room a complete wreck because she decided to look for these drugs that I didn't have or do. I always openly told her that I'd take a drug test whenever she wanted but instead, she humiliated me by turning my mattress over, pulling all of my books and movies off of my book case and emptied all of the clothes out of my dresser drawer. And of course when she found nothing, I was responsible for cleaning up the mess she made.

There's other things that occurred that I won't get into but the thing that brought this blog on was the constant...good relationship I see Ian has with his mom. Let me preface this by saying that I'm 90% happy with what we have and that we didn't get into a fight. These are just my thoughts and feelings.

There are definitely times when I am envious of Ian's mom because he's never afraid of showing her affection even though he's 24. I once saw them walk together holding hands. She's so proud of him and he's so proud of her. What about me? There are times when we'll be in a crowded room, he'll be sitting right next to me and he won't touch me or kiss me and it makes me feel like he just doesn't want to be around me. Even though this is a stupid thought, it's a thought none the less. I know that in reality, he just isn't paying attention or is tired but yeah.

I think the thing that really gets under my skin is how he always goes to bat for her, and who wouldn't? I always tell him that I wish I had a role model like that in my life. I don't know about everything that's happened in her life but I know a good chunk of it and this woman is the ultimate trooper. I'm waiting for the day when one of his friends will say, "your girlfriend is a bitch." and Ian decides that he doesn't want to be friends with that person anymore. Instead, I'm sure the conversation is more like "your girlfriend is too dramatic." and he says "yeah, she is." And he continues talking to the people who don't respect what we have and don't understand what we're like when we're alone. What's more is that he doesn't even try to get his friends to understand that I'm NOT a huge C U Next Tuesday every day of the week and that I'm not as mean as he portrays me to be, after a day of fighting. He doesn't try to explain that every so often I pour my heart out to him or that he spent X amount of time playing video games/writing while I sat there (this hasn't happened in a long time but I'm just using it as an example).

My friends always tell me that eventually the person you're with has to come before everyone and everything else up until the point you have a child together. Even then, your kid and your partner are going to come first. I don't know when that time will come but I know that I'm wasting my time waiting for it to happen. I know that I'm not Ian's top priority even though he's mine. I know that I come in 2nd or 3rd and that's okay. For now. But when we live together, I don't know if that'll be okay. And if we ever get engaged or married, I don't THINK that'll be okay. I can only hope that one day, it'll just happen but I can't force that and I don't want to. I don't want to be with him for years and he ends up resenting me for having to grow up so fast, so soon. I want him to want to make those kinds of changes when the time is right. And that, I am willing to wait around for.

Things between us aren't bad...at all. Sometimes I say too much and so does he and sometimes neither of us says enough. I'll never know what he says about me to others but I do know that whenever I tell anyone that we got into a spat, I tell the whole story...because I'm not perfect - but neither is he. There are times when both of us will laugh hysterically at the dumbest stuff or talk about things we've already discussed but it'll feel like it's the first time pulling up the memory of when this or that happened.

I don't always go to bed wondering if he's ashamed of me or if he's really in it for the long haul but there are some nights when I have doubts about his commitment to me and his commitment to our relationship. And there are even some nights when I have doubts about my own commitment to him and our relationship...but this has only occurred after a big fight. I'm happy with him but I don't always feel that he's happy.

I told him a few days ago that sometimes I feel as though he's just along for the ride and that when it comes to me being a part of his life...well he could either take it or leave it. He said that that's not true and I have to accept that. Unfortunately, he can't see why I feel this way.

I think what annoys me is when we spend a combined total of about $130 on groceries...and he lets his mom show up a few days later with more food. It made me not want to go shopping with him anymore because I just felt like "well we both wasted a lot of money" and every time she brings groceries, I just get these visions of her coming to our apartment next year with 6 bars of chocolate for him and other overly priced products from Whole Foods. This will NEVER happen but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. What also makes me feel like shit is that the food we bought. together. only gets eaten when I'm there. He doesn't eat any of the food we bought. together. He only eats what his mom buys him. It really bothers me and I haven't mentioned it because we don't need to fight about it. Me saying how I feel directly to him (whenever his mom is involved) gets me nowhere. We just end up arguing. He defends his mom's actions or his own justifications and I cry because I feel completely misunderstood or like I'm fighting a battle I'll never, ever win.

Now you might say, "you're being silly" and it's true - I am. But when you combine these small things with a bunch of other small things...it becomes really exhausting. What's exhausting? Not knowing how to solve these small problems and feeling completely helpless in your own situation.

Usually, when I try to bring up our small problems, I get a head shake and a big sigh. I may be over dramatic but I fight for everything. Eventually, there isn't going to be a fight left in me...then what do we do?

There's this relationship quote that's been going around for a few years and if I didn't know any better, I'd say I could've written it myself.

"Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore...and then be fought for."

Day 22

Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else?

I firmly believe that we're all different. No two people are the same.

From an educated person who one day wants to be an educator...

I recently (as in a couple hours ago) discovered that the woman who was made principal at my high school the year I graduated was bribing gang members into giving her information about the gang activity occurring.

I hope to one day become an elementary school teacher and perhaps even work at a high school. I specifically want to work with students who qualify as "less fortunate." I went to a high school that had the reputation of "educating" a number of students involved in gang activity, drugs or promiscuous lifestyles. Of course, there were also a number of students who grew up in neighborhoods and even homes with promiscuity, drugs and gang activity but these students made the choice to NOT end up like their parents or their brothers and sisters and made something of themselves. They made the choice to join the music academy and despite its reputation as a bad school, the music program changed hundreds of thousands of lives - mine being one of them.

Because of the music academy, I DIDN'T drop out of high school. I got teased so much in school that it became too much for me and I would fake being sick, I would run fake fevers, I'd miss school for almost an entire week on purpose. Boys would purposely torment me which eventually led to me physically fighting with them, in order to defend myself. I went home crying almost every single night and the music program and more importantly, the students and staff involved in the music program kept me from dropping out of that school.

I'm extremely surprised that an educator such as this would stoop so low as to give $50 to each tip given (not each STUDENT, each tip that was provided to this woman). And what is even MORE appalling is the fact that EVERY BRIBE THAT WAS HANDED OUT CAME FROM SCHOOL FUNDING.

While I know the school was and is mostly consumed with gang members, bribing those said gang members in attempts to stop the gang activity was definitely the wrong way to go. Some people (as in a stupid person who I went to high school with and believes the police system in Chicago is responsible for the gang activity) might like to blame police officers for these problems but as I said to SOME PEOPLE, the police system in Chicago is not the problem here. The education is and has been a problem for some time now. If a PRINCIPAL who was once Vice Principal for YEARS is going around handing out bribes to students, what kind of example is being set here? How are students who trusted this woman supposed to feel? And more importantly, how are educators going to get their students to trust them? As a future educator, how am I going to convince students that I have their good intentions at heart when this woman chose to take the easy and WRONG way out by bribing students to get information out of them? Because of this woman, I'm sure that a number of parents will be pulling their children out of public schools because guess where those $50 tips came from? My parents' pockets and your parents' pockets. That is, if your parents pay their taxes.

I know that my mother and father did not pay for me to go to school and make nothing of myself. My parents also did not pay money so that this woman could use it to pay for anonymous gang members' guns/drugs/knives/what have you.

I should mention that I did have a good relationship with this woman and respected her a lot as an educator and was shocked when I passed my high school and discovered that she had been replaced by a new principal after five short years. She did everything in her power to attempt to help me graduate on time and after I graduated, I frequently came back to visit my high school and I received a hall pass which allowed me to visit any of my old teachers that day (this never happens because security is really tight...supposedly).

ALSO, I later discovered that soon after she became principal a number of teachers lost their jobs and didn't know why. And I always found that some of the best and most giving teachers were the ones who were getting the boot. I can't say whether or not these teachers were given the "peace out homie" because they saw through her lies and deceit because hey, what do I know?

I also must say that I find it an extremely poor excuse for students to get involved in gang activity or drug addiction just because that's the kind of environment they were brought up in. You would think that you would use your relatives or friends as examples of what NOT to do but I guess not all of us have the same will power.

I know that when I start teaching, I'm not gonna have any of this. There will be no fights in my classroom, no threats made against me and certainly no bribes being given out just to find out who's doing what. It will be my job as an educator to ensure the safety of my students AND their education. I will only use this to fight harder against people like this woman and kids who think it's okay to go and join gangs and end up in jail. They may hate me at first but I will show them that success can take you on a long and powerful journey of empowerment. And in order to achieve that kind of mentality, they will need a teacher to help them prepare for high school and prepare for those pressures that other students will put on them.

I may not be able to save the world but I can make my attempt to save 20 or 30 kids a year and hopefully within those 20 - 30 kids, a small percentage of them will choose not to indulge and will choose not to fall victim to peer pressure.

Here is the article on the woman who did this. http://cbs2chicago.com/local/schurz.gangs.principal.2.1878696.html

That's all folks.

Day 21

Day 21: A picture of something that makes you happy.

Sometimes I find things that remind me of how we interact with each other or how our relationship is.

Day 20

Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

I think the answer to this one is pretty obvious since I write about it all of the time. I'm happy with my friends and I'm happy when I'm with Ian. I try to keep the two separate as much as possible because I know he doesn't like me dragging him to stuff. He is naturally a home body and I basically am as well. A big reason why I chose to keep my time with my friends separate from my time with Ian is because I wanted to see if I got sad when we weren't together - and I don't. I do love him a lot, more and more each day and sometimes that still scares me because I don't want to be with him for years and years and one day it's like "I'm tired of your crap. Bye." or "I found someone younger, thinner, prettier and less complicated. Bye."

I'm afraid of losing him because he treats me so well and I know that he cares for me a lot. I can see us moving in in a few months and then getting engaged in a couple years and then finally getting married a couple years after that. And maybe a couple years after that, we can have some kids or adopt some children. To me, adoption would be REALLY natural since I was adopted. We've briefly talked about surrogate. Secretly (but not anymore since he reads my blog and then tells me "I read your blog") I looked up the prices for it and it's REALLY expensive...but I think that if we want to have a child of our own, that would be the only way to do it. I've been told by a few different doctors that giving birth could probably kill me because of my medical conditions. I do want a child of my own but I also want to adopt a baby or two.

I know that things between us won't always be easy and God knows in the past year, we've had a number of ups and downs but I feel like we are really good together. Usually when one is down, the other is trying to bring that person back up. When one wants to complain, the other one will listen. When we do fight, we fight about the dumbest things. I have an acquaintance whose boyfriend recently went to a strip club and thought nothing of it...meanwhile, she's on facebook throwing their business out there for the world to see. I know that he would never do anything like that to me because he's too socially awkward. If he ever did leave me for someone else or make the mistake of cheating on me...I really think that if he told me right away and was upfront about everything, we could work together and get past it. Things would never be the same but not in a bad way. The most important thing to me is to be with someone who will always be honest with me and just shows that they love me and I think that for now, that's what I have.