Ian has decided that he's going to PAX (a video game convention), even though I repeatedly told him it would be best if he stayed here.

He leaves in a week and will be gone for 5 days. It will be my first time alone in the apartment and I'm dreading it more than anything in the world.

I wasn't asked to go with and I wasn't asked how this situation would affect me based on how much we've struggled lately.

My opinion does not matter. My feelings do not matter. And I am one step away from walking away from all of this because of how inconsiderate he can be.

He can't afford to go - his mom paid for everything as a birthday gift but because she's the most supportive person in the world (I'm not being sarcastic; she really is great and I wish she was my mom sometimes), I'm sure she would have paid for everything anyways.

We have a lot of problems. At this point, I don't even know if we will make it to the end of the year. I'm thinking about moving out and just living with friends. Ian can live on his own. We can still date but I don't really know if living with each other is working anymore or if it ever was.

After you date someone for 18 months or so, as a woman you start to wonder - where is this going? And more than likely, you want to move in with him. You want to get engaged. You want to get married. You want to begin planning your life - a life that constantly revolves around the other person.

At least, that's what I have been doing with myself for the past two years.

I'm kind of over it.

I know that if we didn't have so many issues, I would be more comfortable with Ian traveling. I would also be even more comfortable with Ian traveling if he became more independent and paid for his own travel arrangements.

We are of two very different mindsets. Nothing is going to stop him from getting what he wants and even though there are things that I want, for both of us, it does not matter.

Part of me thinks that him being away will be good for us, just to be away from each other but then I wonder why we're in a relationship where being apart is actually going to do us both some good?

He's not going to be here for his birthday which means something I had planned I now have to cancel and try to get my money back.

As much as I love Ian, I almost never feel appreciated or loved like I used to. I am constantly playing second fiddle. I cannot keep waiting for the day that he decides to bump me up to first string. Lately, almost all I think about is leaving and meeting someone new who will treat me right. There's nothing wrong with living our own lives but when you're constantly making the decision to put your career first, before anything or anyone else - people are going to get hurt. Or more like, I'm the one who keeps getting hurt. And I've cried so many times and said so much that none of it even matters anymore.

I know that while he is gone I will have time to think about what I need to do even though I know that I need to leave him because emotionally, he treats me like shit, as if we just started dating, as if things aren't serious.

Leaving won't matter to him. I left once before...didn't make any difference what soever.

The only thing that matters is that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants, whether I am part of his life or not.

All he focuses on is what he can do to further his career and as more time passes, I feel less and less important to him and I feel like I am less and less a part of his life. I feel as though I am slowly being pushed out rather than being included and being treated the way I should - as a priority.

I know that this isn't how relationships are supposed to work and I'm tired of wishing he would try HARDER. I'm tired of feeling like I am THE ONLY ONE in this relationship who makes a god damned effort to keep us afloat.

I'm just tired, period.

Just read someone's blog who re-posted a story about a mama cat coming outside and finding that her kittens had been murdered. As in someone purposely tortured and killed kittens during the night and just left them there for the mother to find.

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. PEOPLE......................

All I want to do is go home and have a group hug with my cats and Ian. I love my cats - if anyone even tried to hurt them, I would seriously lose my shit.

Poor kitties and that poor mama cat.

I think that if I stop expecting things, I won't be so disappointed.

As sad as that sounds, this has been one of my biggest problems ever since I can remember.

I expect people to be loyal to me and then they're not - I'm disappointed.

I expect my mom to be a real mom to me in my most heart wrenching and painful days and she's not - I'm disappointed.

I expect so much from Ian....it's not fair to him. And when I don't get what I want, I'm disappointed.

I don't feel that I'm settling by NOT expecting things but maybe I'm giving people more of a chance to show their true colors and giving them an opportunity not to screw up or let me down so hard.

Our anniversary did not go as planned.

The first half of the day was wonderful. We exchanged gifts. He printed out photos of us and bought this big frame and hung it up on the wall the following day. To be honest, as unhappy as we are with our apartment at times, seeing that frame as soon as I open the door makes it feel a little bit more like home.

Soon after we both got ready and finished exchanging presents, we were off to the Shedd Aquarium. Ian bought all access passes which meant we were able to go see the Wild Reef exhibit (it was more about seeing the sharks than anything else down there, though). We also got to go into the Jellies exhibit which is fairly new. Ian also got 4D passes for this short film and water squirted everyone in the face and while we watched this poor sea lion get swallowed up by a giant shark, something poked everybody in the back of the seats and all of us screamed or giggled.

He was also able to get passes to see the dolphin show and I cried when they unveiled some penguins just walking down the platform, not even 20 feet away from us. I love penguins. I love dolphins. They all warm my heart. I think that if I had the skills and concentration, I would want to be a marine biologist.

We went to dinner at this french restaurant in Wicker Park. It wasn't so great. I liked my food but for the price, it was just kind of like "...Really?" The people working there were also not so nice, probably because we're not hipsters and they can smell it on you as soon as you walk through the door.

Wicker Park is INFAMOUS for its hipsters so it's an area I try not to venture into very often and when I was working there, every time I saw a man in women's jeans I wanted to shoot myself.

We decided that the ring Ian gave me after dinner is to be a promise ring. At the time, calling it an engagement ring just upset me. It made me cry. The way everything was done...was not what I wanted to hear.

I love Ian very much and we're still very young. I don't want to get married tomorrow or next year...but I do want to plan for that wedding and for the family we want to have. I want to have a house that our children can live and grow in. I want a backyard they can play in, where we can have barbecues and sit outside at night while they're sleeping and just sit on a swing and talk. I want to stay young at heart, which I know is never easy. And I also want to grow old with Ian and look back on our lives. I want to regret nothing.

I'm worried that I'm not loved enough. Because I never have been. My father barely ever told me he loved me. He stopped saying good night to me by the time I started high school. My mom, overbearing as usual, forced me to tell her I loved her even after a giant fight when she made me wish we were both dead. I worry that I don't hear anyone tell me they love me enough and mean it.

I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time here...that Ian no longer wants to live a long life with me. Last night I heard him joking about being ill and got really upset and worried while he just shrugged it off.

I just want to know that he loves me as much as I love him and I want him to try harder...I just don't know when or if it'll happen.

I just want us to be happy.
No more secrets, no more lies.

That's why so many relationships fail.

You notice everyone else's beauty but mine.

And I cry myself to sleep almost every night because you look right through me - a blank stare.

An empty smile.

A cold embrace.

I'm all alone even when we're together in a crowded room.

I take your silence as a sign of defeat.

I do my best to make you happy but all efforts go unnoticed.

I'm dying inside because I want you to fix everything.

I want you to sew my heart back together.

And all you do is watch it break into smaller pieces with every hurtful thing you do.

You could be so much more...but you choose to be the lesser man.

This feeling of helplessness continues to overwhelm me.

truths

This past Saturday was almost the end for us.

I left the apartment and stayed at my mom's house and stayed there until yesterday afternoon. I cried in her boyfriend's arms. And while he is a man of few words, what he did say, made me feel better.

I found out that Ian has been hanging out and talking to his friend on a regular basis - his friend who hates me and wants Ian to break up with me. He's been hoping for it pretty much ever since we first got together.

I haven't done anything to this person. I've only met him once and yet, he says and tries to do such hurtful things that would make me wish I were dead.

A little less than a month ago, he even suggested that Ian leave me for a girl who does not even live in this country...and what's more is that Ian acknowledged what he said before sweeping it under the rug.

I've always said that I know Ian will never cheat on me because he's so timid with women but it terrifies me that there is this person in his life, this force, who will go so far as to tell him how to plan to get another woman just to get rid of me.

Yes. Let's just forget about the fact that Ian and I have been together for two years. Let's forget about the fact that Ian was the first person I was able to trust and love after my father died. Let's forget about the fact that Ian and I would like to one day get married, have babies and grow old with one another. Let's forget about the fact that less than six months ago, we took that extra step and moved in with each other.

Let's just forget about how serious we are about one another. And let's forget about how much I love him and how my life would be a great, big nothing without him in it.

Let's forget all of that.

I may yell at Ian and I may talk to him in ways he doesn't appreciate because of my bad temper and I may get frustrated with him or annoyed by him...but never have I ever considered leaving him for someone else. And more importantly, never have I ever had any of my friends say "look. here's a really great guy. go out with him and you'll have a new boyfriend."

When someone's telling Ian to leave me...it makes me feel so inadequate and so low. It just makes me want to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

I love Ian with every ounce of my body and every breath I take. He's my entire world. Without him, I have nothing. And as scary as that is, I would rather have that than have the emptiness I used to live with on a daily basis, nothing and no one to live for. I don't want that life. As terrifying as it is to have one person who can turn everything around at the drop of a hat, it's also...beautiful to me.

If you consider someone important to you, you want their happiness. You don't want to take it away. He might get mad at me sometimes and he might get sick of me but he loves me...

...Doesn't he?

It hurts me that I now have to doubt everything, that I have to question everything we've known since we've been together. But it doesn't hurt as much as the thought of him being influenced to cheat on me and leave me for someone who lives in Canada or someone he's never spoken to.

I'm not cold or heartless. I have a soul. I have a sadness in me and it comes alive every time someone steps on me and my emotions and thinks there will be no repercussions.

Ian says he'll cut him out of his life, that he'll email him and tell him he was out of line for the things that he said and attempted to convince Ian to do.

But what scares me is the fact that none of this mattered until I found out. A month went by. He didn't say a word to me about it. He sneaked around and lied...so what's going to keep him from lying about meeting someone new? What's going to keep him from lying about hanging out with his friend, again?

His friend wasn't out of line for trying to come up with a plan to get rid of me until I found out about it.

What if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who doesn't even want me around right now?

All of these thoughts have constantly been going through my head. Ian came to my mom's house yesterday and he even sat down and talked with her and we made up but I'm still so scared. And I don't know when I won't be scared anymore. I don't know when I'll be able to fully trust him again but this is the type of trust that has to be earned back and he has to show that he cares enough to make an effort to get me to trust in him again.

He put this wall up between us and now I feel as though I'm building my own wall to protect myself from more damage and hurt. I don't want to get hurt anymore. And when we met, I didn't think Ian was going to be that person like so many others before him.

I love him. That's why I went back to our apartment. But I'm still scared of losing it all and losing him to someone else. Those fears have just been amplified because of this incident.

All I know is that I have had a lot of friends in my life and none of them has ever come up with an intricate plan to get rid of a man that was currently in my life...because friends don't do that. What he did was insensitive and hurtful and while I don't wish anything bad for him, I know that one day fate and karma will come down hard on him. I can only hope that Ian will not have to be there to watch it happen.

And I hope that Ian can keep his promise of ending their friendship because at this point, that's all that can be done. Too much damage has been done to this relationship because of that one person. I'm afraid that I'm being a fool - that secretly Ian didn't want me to come back and he doesn't want me to be with him anymore and is just trying to be the victim in the situation. I don't know what's real anymore because every time I thought we were alright, he was telling his friend how unhappy he was.

...What am I doing wrong?