everyone around me is moving forward and I'm standing still.

It's the beginning of my third week at work and while I'm really happy with my job, I guess I always feel upset about something when it comes to my relationship. I know that I can't allow myself to be happy but that's because I want things to get better and he's fine with where things are at. We're coming up on two years together and more and more people ask me if and when we're going to take the next step.

Good question.

Ian seems to be the only person who doesn't want to move forward, which is a problem since he is one of the two people in this relationship. Yesterday, my mom called and told me that her boyfriend of only six months proposed to her on this dinner cruise they went on the night before. While I was really happy for her, it made me wonder - What am I doing wrong? I've been with the same person for almost two years and while we've had our ups and downs, I know couples who break up and make up more than we do and even they're engaged or even married.

What bothers me even more is the fact that Ian knew he wanted to marry me very early on in our relationship and he also knew early on that I'd say yes and just make the engagement a long one so that I could save up money, plan everything and find the right dress.

Two years later, all we've done is move in together and even that was and still is a challenge.

I told Ian last night that even if he does propose, at this point it won't even mean anything to me anymore. And that to me, is heartbreaking. It won't mean anything because I've constantly asked why he hasn't done it because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. At this point, the proposal won't have any romance to it. And after thinking about it at this point, I'll most likely say no based on where we are at and how much of a struggle it has been.

He shouldn't have to be forced into asking me to marry him and I shouldn't have to constantly ask him why it hasn't happened. I just want to know why everyone else gets a break but I don't get mine. Everybody else seems to be living a fairy tale but I'm stuck in a nightmare.

It just hurts because this is all I've wanted from him for such a long time.

...And now I'm crying at work.

Our relationship has turned into this business. We're more roommates than anything else. I buy food and he doesn't eat it because he thinks it's mine. I do my laundry separate from his now because he prefers going to the laundromat down the street and I fit all of my clothes into two bags and visit my mom while the loads are going.

There is no romance or spontaneity. It's all business and work and cleaning. He makes no effort to sweep me off my feet or surprise me. It's always "what do you want to have for dinner?" "i don't know." "okay i guess i'll make this unless you want something else." "that's fine."

I've told him so many times that this is exactly what I wanted to avoid and we ended up exactly where I said we would because he didn't make an effort.

I want things to improve and I know I have to give him time but I'm worried that I'm waiting for him to change and it will never, ever happen and I will have wasted even more of my life with someone who doesn't want to spend the next 40 years with me. But honestly, I can't blame him for feeling that way.

On our anniversary last year, I thought he was going to propose. It would have been ideal. I bought a dress and did rush delivery on it just so I could wear it for that day but the delivery man came to the house when I was doing laundry in the basement so I had to go all the way out to the suburbs to pick it up at the FedEx building. I really thought it was going to happen since we were going to this really nice restaurant and he wanted both of us to dress up.

But it didn't.

And here I am still waiting.

I'm done waiting. I don't even want it anymore..

Father's Day Picnic/Progress at Work

When I was adopted, my mother's friends (who later became closer to us than our actual family) decided to start a tradition of getting together at a Forest Preserve and having pot luck lunch and dinner. Each year, more and more people came. Eventually, my aunt's daughter came up with the idea of renting one of those shelters (just the area where it has benches with cement on the ground and a roof but it's still wide open to the forest preserve). It's nice to know that this is something that started in my family because of me. I don't think too many people are aware of that.

We play a number of different sports and games and we eat. All day. Everyone brings different things. Rice. Beans. Steak. Chicken. Salsa. Potato chips. Hot dogs. Burgers. The works.

It's an all day thing, from early afternoon to early evening. Anyone is welcome to come as long as they bring something besides their mouths to eat all of the food.

I really like my job. I've been working law firms for almost the past two weeks and am nowhere near being finished. I think that I get a lot done in my days here though. The mornings are always difficult but after about an hour of getting into the groove of things with my music or Netflix playing in the background, I start getting things finished quickly.

My two bosses are really nice guys - they haven't criticized me on anything I've done and so far I've only received positive feedback and positive reinforcement which is exactly what I've been looking for in employment for a very long time.

The girl who does the same thing as I do doesn't talk to me. Our desks face opposite directions so it's difficult to make conversation. We usually both end up with our headphones on the majority of the day so we don't even really speak with our bosses. I don't know what the dynamic in an office is like compared to retail or food related jobs but I've always been told to show up early to work. Meanwhile, the girl I work with always takes longer lunch breaks and shows up late in the morning on a regular basis and no one says a word to her. She dresses really nice all of the time and makes me feel inadequate about my t-shirts, jeans and gym shoes.

The thing is that I am not here to make friends. Every time I make friends with the people I work with, it somehow bites me in the ass and this time I'm not even going to make an effort. I do know that she and I are on totally different levels, personality-wise. I don't usually like dressing up or playing with my hair all day because I don't always care enough about what I look like.

So today I wore a dress but only because Ian and I have a dinner date when I'm finished with work for the day. Maybe we'll walk around a bit and go see a movie or something.

I always love going out with him since we don't do it as often as we used to and when I think about it, going out and just getting out of the apartment is what held us together in the beginning. We went out all of the time. That's why we were so happy. Now we are constantly in the apartment or working or buying groceries and that's it. So when we do have a little bit of money to go out on the weekend, I enjoy it thoroughly and I think he does too.

Anyways, I am going to buy some nicer clothes for work. Some skirts, some dresses, some dress pants and the good thing is that I can wear them when I go out. I like being comfortable but I also feel very confident when I put on a nice outfit and take time to decide what I'm going to wear instead of just grabbing anything that's clean from our closet.

Getting up at 7 almost every day isn't as difficult as I thought it would be and I guess it's because I love working here so much. No one yells at me, no one forces me to talk to them, no one makes me cry. No one pretends to be my friend and then talks behind my back. I'm really glad that I have this job and I hope I can keep it for a long time.

Since Father's Day is around the corner, I've been thinking about my father for a bit today. The anniversary of his passing and Father's Day are always the hardest days to get through. I usually end up crying on both occasions, especially because some of my cousins will often get up and dance with their dads during the Father's Day picnic we hold every year.

This time things are a bit different because my mom has a boyfriend. Out of all of the men I've seen her with, she's held onto this one the longest. They've only been together for 6 months but they spend a lot of time together and have discussed getting married at some point and he'll be moving into the house in August or September. He'll never be able to replace my father - no one will but he's a good person and he takes care of her.

Whenever I think about my dad, I think more about what he isn't here for and what we'll never get to do together. I know that my parents had a lot of the same issues Ian and I have - my mom always wanted them to communicate more and my dad just didn't put in enough effort. She complained about never getting flowers on regular days - I do the exact same thing. She would pick fights with him about things that had been building up for days, weeks and months - I do that as well. And even though my mom knew my dad found other women attractive, he never EVER cheated on her. He always came back home to her. I think these are all things that most couples face in their relationships and sometimes, the relationship just isn't strong enough to overcome certain issues.

I worry that because Ian and I are so young and still have many years ahead of us if we want to remain a couple, we should focus on the problem areas now. Instead, I constantly feel like a dog trying to jump over a big, brick wall - It just doesn't happen. I remember how things used to be with us in the beginning and I know that there's a saying that at the end, you constantly think about the beginning and lately, that's all I've been doing. I remember how Ian constantly wanting to talk about things drove me nuts. I didn't understand it and I didn't find it necessary. And now I'm the one who always wants to talk about things and he doesn't even try anymore. So when do we face the fact that we do not communicate and therefore, there's nothing left for us to build on?

My New Job

My last day at the dog store was last Saturday. I emailed my boss the following Monday from California and told her I wouldn't be returning to the shop because I found a new job.

I now work in an office downtown, which makes the commute a bit easier since I don't have to rely on more than one bus and the trains here are usually very fast.

I went in for the interview last Friday, worked Saturday at the dog shop and went on vacation for a week.

Yesterday was my first day here and so far, it's just great. But I think anything is great compared to working for the devil. She was the worst boss in the world and I'm just glad to be out of there and away from her. I do miss James, my manager and I miss hearing stories about Kayla, the other girl who worked there but as my mom said, if I had turned down this job and stayed at the dog store I would have regretted it and I believe that now more than ever. I get my own desk. Nobody watches over me or constantly makes me talk. Nobody down talks me. No one makes me cry. And most importantly, nobody makes me go out and walk their dog.

I'm getting paid more now, which will make it less of a struggle for Ian and I and hopefully when I get on my feet, I'll be able to help Ian pay a bit more of the rent.

I like this job because so far, they're happy with my work and they know how to give positive reinforcement.

It's your standard 9-5 office job and right now, that's what I desperately need and want.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy in the work place.

where we stand

I was on the phone with one of my friends a couple days ago and we were talking about how we seem to be this very small group of people who can have a great time together without drugs or alcohol....and people get so judgmental about it. People get angry at me because I choose not to partake in that kind of stuff. I am 24 years old and to be honest, there are many reasons why I do not drink heavily and why I have never taken drugs and why I don't smoke cigarettes.

I don't see the point. And that's just my opinion. It doesn't make it right or wrong.

We also talked about how our friendships with different people have changed or ended because of our choice in lifestyles. Like I am no longer close with someone who used to be my best friend because a lot of the time, he is out partying when I'm about to wake up for the day.

I have also become more domesticated and more introverted. I'm just fine staying inside by myself or with Ian or whoever wants to come over. I'm just fine with going over to someone's house, watching a movie, making fun of the person's dialogue or outfit and going back home. I do not want to dance until the sun comes up. And I don't want to take or do anything that will alter my sense of reality.

I believe I've lived a full life - I have no regrets. I've seen a lot of things and I've done a lot and I'm sure I'll continue living my life as long as God allows that to happen (and NO, I don't choose not to drink or do drugs because of God or religion. I'm hardly religious). I also believe that life is too short to waste it on partying all of the time or constantly going out and emptying my bank account.

--

Right now I'm not exactly sure where Ian and I stand. I said a lot of things to him the other night that I don't think really stuck with him. I cried harder than the last time I can even remember. It may have been when my dad died. I feel as though I mean nothing to him. Meanwhile, he is the most important person in my life and I've tried my best to show him that. When that feeling isn't reciprocated, it just makes you feel sick inside. It's difficult to walk away when we live together and have invested so much time into the relationship but I feel like it's very one sided at this point. I feel like I'm constantly wanting to communicate about things in our relationship and I'm constantly pointing out what is wrong with us and what we need to fix and Ian just does nothing when it comes to us.

He is so focused on his work that even if he's right here with me, I feel like he's not mentally there. I have never met anyone who was so obsessed with working. His mind is constantly thinking about what game he needs/wants to play, what article he needs to write, what time we need to be home so he can write about something he has to watch. It's exhausting.

I feel very much like I did as a young child. There's a family video that we have and my dad is recording the basement because it was my first communion or something and he and my mother decorated it and I'm too short for the camera to see me. So I start jumping up and down going "Dad! Look at me! Look at me, Dad! Dad! Dad! Pay attention to me! Dad, LOOK! HI DAD! Dad!" And this whole time I'm just jumping up so he'll glance at me and all he says is "Does anyone want a kid?"

I feel like I'm still that person, in total desperation of trying to get someone's attention who is too busy or too annoyed to deal with me. And I'm tired of feeling like that. As much as I want to be with Ian, I also want to be with someone who won't always make me feel like I'm number 2 or number 3. I want to be with someone who is going to hold me while I'm crying and isn't going to have this blank look on his face with nothing to say.

It's not that difficult to be an actual human being and have some compassion but maybe that's easier said than done from where I'm standing.

I want things to get better between us but I just feel like he makes no time at all to attempt to repair the damage he's done.

I just feel like there's this wall between us and for the first time, I'm not the one who put it there. For the first time, I'm the one with a big sledge hammer trying to break it down but I'm getting nowhere because he's on the other side, standing there with his arms crossed.

I think that if we continue going down this path, we'll break up. And even though I've continuously told Ian this, he doesn't do ANYTHING to try and fix our relationship. It has to be a two way street and instead, I keep trying and Ian is just too preoccupied. I don't think he understands that relationships are fucking difficult - that's why so many people prefer to be single because they don't want to put in the work. And if you're reading this and you feel like you don't want to put the work into our relationship, then let's just go our separate ways because this isn't what I signed up for.

I don't think there's ever an excuse NOT to spoil me with love and that's because growing up, I never, ever, ever, ever got that. My mom spoiled me with food and toys. That's why I'm so fat today. My dad...he was just there. He didn't really do much. We talked a lot when I became more of an adult but as a child, he was just there.

I want to be with someone who understands that as women, we want to talk about the future of our lives together and we want someone who is going to be excited about our plans and is going to make an effort in the relationship to keep things going.

But I just can't do it by myself anymore..

--

We're in California right now because Ian is covering E3. I've basically been by myself for almost 12 hours every day and any touring I've done has been within a 2 mile radius. I haven't taken any buses or trains because I'm afraid I'll get lost. So all I've really been doing is walking to the grocery store or the Walgreens...which I could easily do in Chicago. I haven't really seen or done anything. I wanted to see Grauman's Chinese Theatre but I don't think that'll happen. We haven't even gone out to dinner together. We've been eating pizza in the room...or sandwiches. Or nothing at all.

Overall, even though it's really early here - I am just not having a good day. All I can think about is the failure of my relationship with someone that I'd do anything for.

Update on the apartment

So we still have ants...but I'm going to blame the weather for that. I'm willing to deal with three or four here and there and I'm just thankful that for the time being there isn't a huge trail of them anywhere in the apartment. Yet. We have both been extremely poor since the move in because there are so many things we needed to buy to improve our living space. It makes me feel completely useless because I get paid about 1/3 of what Ian does, if that, and if I received more money or had a salary based job like him, I just think our lives would be easier financially.
For a while I was in a really deep funk. I felt like I had nobody to turn to and hadn't seen my friends as often as I would've liked. There are some friends that I haven't seen since I moved out and the only thing I can do is just tell myself not to think about that.
Work occupies a lot of my time and energy. By the end of practically every work day, I have no energy for anything. I'm really starting to hate my job and I think that after Ian and I go to California in June, I will actively search for a new place of employment. I love working with people - I currently work in the retail business as a sales associate at a pet store (we don't sell animals; just treats, accessories, food, things like that). I do not however love getting talked down to. I also don't like going home crying or upset every other day.
Ian says he's there for me but I still have that feeling of emptiness. I feel like I'm alone because he may be there but sometimes you need more from people. You need someone to comfort you and hold you and tell you it's going to be okay even if the problem isn't automatically going to get solved. I feel like our relationship is falling apart because of the move in and he isn't doing anything to really work towards "us."
My friend is coming into town tomorrow and I'm excited to spend some time with him.

So far things have been mighty rocky for both Ian and I.
The apartment was not as clean as I thought it was from the start and I was filled with anxiety and depression for the first two weeks. I was crying pretty much every day or I was angry - any little thing would set me off which told me that I was definitely in a hole of depression. The only thing that helped me climb out of that hole was cleaning.
Unfortunately since I've been cleaning or buying food or cleaning supplies for the apartment, I have done little to no unpacking.
At one point, I almost left and it was a real wake up call for me because I realized that I can't just say "I'm done" anymore. It's just not that simple when you are sharing space with someone else and you have invested all of this time, money, and energy into a relationship and now into an apartment that you kind of hate because the last person or people who lived there were total slobs.
Everyone else likes the apartment a lot and I think that with time, I'll grow to live it as well. It's already starting to grow on me though.
I wish I had a few days off in a row so I could make the time to properly unpack the rest of my belongings and show Ian where his art work and my framed photos should hang so that there's a balance of his things and mine.
Right now my main focus is just getting the apartment cleaned. Ever since we moved in, we've had a minor ant problem but since I overreact to everything, it was a major ant problem in my opinion. What's difficult to understand is the fact that I've lived in a house that was meticulously clean for my entire life.
To go from barely ever seeing bugs, besides a spider or a centipede here or there, to having ants crawling on you and spiders as well...it's just a lot to process and it's gross.
I bought ant traps and made Ian called the landlord about the issue and so far, I've only seen one or two since then. I just knocked on wood so that those words don't bite me in the ass later.
We were also both broke for at least a full week and fortunately, Ian's mother knew about our financial situation and helped us buy groceries and gave Ian small checks to balance things out.
On top of everything else, Ian and I had personal struggles that almost ripped us apart. I feel that with each fight, we both get closer and closer to wanting to permenantly throwing in the towel. And as much as I want him to care more, I can see in his eyes sometimes that he just can't because, like me, he is running out of the strength to care when he has someone yapping at him and nagging him almost all of the time.
Looking back, the situation that almost had me walking, was not as big of a deal but because of how insecure I am, it turned into a huge thing. I wish Ian could coach me into finding more self esteem but most of the time, whenever I try to look nice for him, I feel as though he just turns a blind eye. So most days, I don't put any effort into what I'm wearing, what my hair looks like or what makeup I have on unless I know we're going to be around other people, at some kind of social event or if I have to work with my co-worker who might make comments about my flat hair if it's not blow dried.
I won't talk about what happened between us but I can say that I have more trust issues and I wish someone had trained me about all of these things years ago because now Ian has to pay the price and it's not really fair to him.
I love Ian and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him but it's become difficult for me to see our future clearly when he keeps so much to himself or has secrets or lies about little things. I guess since I am always and always have been 100% honest with him, I expect the same but that doesn't always happen.
I do know that if things continue down this rocky path between the two of us, it's going to be difficult to see it through and I just wis hhe would realize that before we completely demolish our relationship.
Right now we are in desperate need of furniture. After we get a real bed and a dining room table, I'll post pictures of the apartment.