So far things have been mighty rocky for both Ian and I.
The apartment was not as clean as I thought it was from the start and I was filled with anxiety and depression for the first two weeks. I was crying pretty much every day or I was angry - any little thing would set me off which told me that I was definitely in a hole of depression. The only thing that helped me climb out of that hole was cleaning.
Unfortunately since I've been cleaning or buying food or cleaning supplies for the apartment, I have done little to no unpacking.
At one point, I almost left and it was a real wake up call for me because I realized that I can't just say "I'm done" anymore. It's just not that simple when you are sharing space with someone else and you have invested all of this time, money, and energy into a relationship and now into an apartment that you kind of hate because the last person or people who lived there were total slobs.
Everyone else likes the apartment a lot and I think that with time, I'll grow to live it as well. It's already starting to grow on me though.
I wish I had a few days off in a row so I could make the time to properly unpack the rest of my belongings and show Ian where his art work and my framed photos should hang so that there's a balance of his things and mine.
Right now my main focus is just getting the apartment cleaned. Ever since we moved in, we've had a minor ant problem but since I overreact to everything, it was a major ant problem in my opinion. What's difficult to understand is the fact that I've lived in a house that was meticulously clean for my entire life.
To go from barely ever seeing bugs, besides a spider or a centipede here or there, to having ants crawling on you and spiders as well...it's just a lot to process and it's gross.
I bought ant traps and made Ian called the landlord about the issue and so far, I've only seen one or two since then. I just knocked on wood so that those words don't bite me in the ass later.
We were also both broke for at least a full week and fortunately, Ian's mother knew about our financial situation and helped us buy groceries and gave Ian small checks to balance things out.
On top of everything else, Ian and I had personal struggles that almost ripped us apart. I feel that with each fight, we both get closer and closer to wanting to permenantly throwing in the towel. And as much as I want him to care more, I can see in his eyes sometimes that he just can't because, like me, he is running out of the strength to care when he has someone yapping at him and nagging him almost all of the time.
Looking back, the situation that almost had me walking, was not as big of a deal but because of how insecure I am, it turned into a huge thing. I wish Ian could coach me into finding more self esteem but most of the time, whenever I try to look nice for him, I feel as though he just turns a blind eye. So most days, I don't put any effort into what I'm wearing, what my hair looks like or what makeup I have on unless I know we're going to be around other people, at some kind of social event or if I have to work with my co-worker who might make comments about my flat hair if it's not blow dried.
I won't talk about what happened between us but I can say that I have more trust issues and I wish someone had trained me about all of these things years ago because now Ian has to pay the price and it's not really fair to him.
I love Ian and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him but it's become difficult for me to see our future clearly when he keeps so much to himself or has secrets or lies about little things. I guess since I am always and always have been 100% honest with him, I expect the same but that doesn't always happen.
I do know that if things continue down this rocky path between the two of us, it's going to be difficult to see it through and I just wis hhe would realize that before we completely demolish our relationship.
Right now we are in desperate need of furniture. After we get a real bed and a dining room table, I'll post pictures of the apartment.

I guess you create your own drama when you use your boyfriend's laptop.
For shame.

Moving Out

Tonight is my last night in this house. I've lived here for the past 15 years. Parts of me are going to miss it dearly and other parts of me won't.

I keep replaying moments in my head - the car washes my dad and I used to dedicate hours on over the summer and how I'd ride my bike in the alley and splash water all over the place, the fights my mom and I used to get into, the time when my mom thought I was a drug addict because she spent too much time watching talk shows and she decided to literally tear my room apart looking for some kind of proof.

I guess part of why I never did drugs was because I was too afraid that she'd catch me and beat the crap out of me. And while I'm thankful for that fear she instilled in me, I hear stories from other people and always wonder what it would be like to experience but the fear holds me back and I land back on my feet and ask myself, "why would you want to go there?"

I love this house. I wish my dad could see me now and shake his head in approval. More than anything, I wish we could just sit outside the way we used to and get his opinion on me moving out and what he thinks of Ian.

I will never get that validation.

Another part of me will miss my mom...and then there is this voice in my head saying "NO. You won't." But I know that I will miss her coming into my room without knocking, I'll miss having to call or text her "I just got out of work. On the Damen bus now."

And again, there is a part of me that will not miss her at all...I will not miss her going through my things determined to find something that will reveal a "bad" side of myself. I won't miss her nagging me about a plate I just ate food off of that had been in my room a whole 15 minutes. I will not miss her secretly feeding my cat Fancy Feast and Nine Lives.

I'm looking forward to cleaning our apartment tomorrow and unpacking all of our things. I'm looking forward to hanging our framed art work and photos.

I know that not every day is going to be good but I also know that as of right now, both of us are in it for the long haul.