Moving Out

Tonight is my last night in this house. I've lived here for the past 15 years. Parts of me are going to miss it dearly and other parts of me won't.

I keep replaying moments in my head - the car washes my dad and I used to dedicate hours on over the summer and how I'd ride my bike in the alley and splash water all over the place, the fights my mom and I used to get into, the time when my mom thought I was a drug addict because she spent too much time watching talk shows and she decided to literally tear my room apart looking for some kind of proof.

I guess part of why I never did drugs was because I was too afraid that she'd catch me and beat the crap out of me. And while I'm thankful for that fear she instilled in me, I hear stories from other people and always wonder what it would be like to experience but the fear holds me back and I land back on my feet and ask myself, "why would you want to go there?"

I love this house. I wish my dad could see me now and shake his head in approval. More than anything, I wish we could just sit outside the way we used to and get his opinion on me moving out and what he thinks of Ian.

I will never get that validation.

Another part of me will miss my mom...and then there is this voice in my head saying "NO. You won't." But I know that I will miss her coming into my room without knocking, I'll miss having to call or text her "I just got out of work. On the Damen bus now."

And again, there is a part of me that will not miss her at all...I will not miss her going through my things determined to find something that will reveal a "bad" side of myself. I won't miss her nagging me about a plate I just ate food off of that had been in my room a whole 15 minutes. I will not miss her secretly feeding my cat Fancy Feast and Nine Lives.

I'm looking forward to cleaning our apartment tomorrow and unpacking all of our things. I'm looking forward to hanging our framed art work and photos.

I know that not every day is going to be good but I also know that as of right now, both of us are in it for the long haul.