Day 4

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. Ian

2. my friends and their well being(mostly Juan and Miguel)

3. Why I am friends with someone I really don't like anymore.

4. Work and why what I do is never enough for my boss.

5. Moving in with Ian.

6. How much I hate living with my mother.

7. What I'm going to eat for dinner on said day.

We fixed things.

...

Thank God.

gone

We got into a fight.

So big a fight that I left him. Temporarily.

I've been crying for almost 8 hours now.

I feel that I love him more than he loves me. And I guess it's because I expect him to show me that love and in the (almost) a year and a half that we've been together, I really haven't seen it.

There is never a solution to any of our problems.

They go away for a little while and then come back because they were never taken care of. It's the same cycle over and over again.

I keep nagging.

He keeps saying "okay, okay."

Start over.

I don't feel that I am an important part of his life because he, again, doesn't show it.

Today I discovered that his friend called me a bad name and he didn't do anything.

...When he read that email this morning, he probably laughed and agreed in his head with what was said about me.

I'm kind of at a loss for words. I can't say anything I haven't said before.

It is now almost 4 a.m. and I'm still awake. I promised myself that I wouldn't lose any sleep over this situation and look what it's done to me.

I told 3 different friends about what happened...which isn't really like me since I like to keep things private.

By the end of the last conversation, I felt okay but now I feel lousy again.

Will I ever find anyone who loves me as much or more than I love them? That's what I want. I just want to know that I'm loved as much as it pours out of me. I don't have that right now and I don't know if I will ever have that with Ian.

The next 2 days are really going to determine my decision of whether or not to stay with him. I love him but that's not enough.

I wish I was as special to him as he is to me...and to be honest, I don't think that will ever be the case and it fucking breaks my heart.

Some how, I found the courage to leave tonight. He didn't come after me. And frankly, I didn't want to be chased in the first place.

It's just so much easier to be alone...it's lonelier...but you don't get attached to anyone in that respect and you don't get hurt. All you have to depend on is yourself. You don't have anyone there to let you down. It's all up to you.

I thought he loved me but...I feel that maybe that was all an illusion. This isn't the first night I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Day 3

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

1. Tell me I'm beautiful even when I have a bad cold and my nose is all red from sneezing aka when I look like shit. Telling a girl that she looks beautiful and not "nice" or "pretty" no matter how she looks is the number one way to get HER to believe she's beautiful.

2. Buy me flowers just because. Not because it's an anniversary or Valentine's Day.

3. Tell people you're proud of me right in front of me. Don't be ashamed of me.

4. Be there for me when I need it the most and don't always feel like you have to be that voice of reason in my head. Just be there and shut up for five seconds and hold me till I'm done having my outburst.

5. Don't make me feel stupid or ridiculous and don't ever tell me that I'm being stupid or ridiculous. Basically - take my feelings seriously because I don't dismiss what ANYONE says to me so I expect the same in return.

6. Kiss me on the forehead and hug me to keep me warm.

7. Tell me how you feel about me every once in a while.

8. Defend me and my behavior...even when your friends are the ones talking trash about me.

Day 2

Day Two: Nine Things About Yourself

1. I'm very abrasive when I'm angry. It makes most people uncomfortable. I say horrible, hurtful things if I'm around someone and they're making me speak. About an hour later (at the most), I realize what I just did and feel terrible. I need to work on this.

2. I'm fat and I'll always be fat. Today I found out I went down in two dress sizes but I'm still fat lol and that's okay I guess. I've accepted the fact that I'm fat but that doesn't mean I like it.

3. I don't like the way I look and I have no self-confidence. I hate looking in the mirror. And as much as I want people to help me with this, nobody can or will. I can't really blame them. I know I'm not pretty and I don't want anybody telling me lies.

4. I have a lot of health problems that a 23-year-old shouldn't have and the thing is that they all bounce off of each other so it's hard to find the right medications that won't mess anything else up.

5. Lazy = me.

6. I've had very few friends in the past who actually stood by me and when I tell new friends about how my old friends treated me when my dad died, they are in such disbelief. I literally just felt abandoned by everyone and to this day, they still don't seem to get that.

7. I like really bad movies.

8. I love animals. I always pet dogs waiting outside of grocery stores or whatever. I think it's cruel that people leave their dogs tied to stop signs. Quit doing it.

9. I want kids...sometimes but know that I physically can't have them. I say sometimes because there are times when I am working or I'm on the bus or out somewhere in general and there is this SCREAMING child, throwing a huge fit. No...I don't think I could handle that...

10. More than anything, I always want him to think that I'm beautiful and perfect even when I'm old. I never want him to leave me and I'm scared to death that he's going to cheat on me and leave me for someone younger, prettier and thinner. I want to get old with him and still have him look at me the same way and tell me that I'm the only one that matters.

uh...go away.

I think I will feel much more motivated to do things and get out once I move the hell out of here and live with someone that I actually love and care for.

That's all I have to say about that.

I want a new lens......

new Day _______ blog

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I will never be who you want me to be and eventually, you're going to have to accept that. I want to do things my way and you've always wanted me to do things your way. We were never meant to be in each other's lives but I'm stuck with you. Most of the time, I wish it was all a bad dream.

2. I wish I could have said goodbye to you. You were a good dog and you were mine. Nobody loved you as much as I did and still do. I miss seeing you at my door when I wake up in the morning and I miss seeing you at the front door when I come home at night. I know you weren't feeling well but I'll never truly know how much pain you were in since I wasn't here the night it happened. I wish I could have said goodbye but I also know that it would've been too hard and I'd probably still be crying every day. Yesterday I had a dream that I convinced the vet not to put you to sleep and you were back here with me but when I realized you were, in fact, gone I went back to my bed and cried. I love you and I promise that if I ever get another dog or cat, I will treat them better and think of you. You were loved.

3. Sometimes things happen or don't happen for a reason. The truth is that I will probably always have a small place for you in my heart but I bring myself back to reality when I remember how easy it was for you to give up on what we could've had. I'll always be here for you when you need someone to talk to. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had we gotten our acts together but I probably would've found a way to screw it up because that's what I do.

4. I miss you. I miss seeing you in the kitchen late at night or peeking into the living room to find you asleep in the chair with the t.v. on mute. I miss our talks and how close we used to be. I miss driving around aimlessly and talking about school and how I often felt out of place in the world and how you always told me it was okay to be different. I miss you most when I see little girls with their dads, holding their hands, walking across a busy street. I envy families. I'm sad to say that I don't think of you all of the time or every day like I used to but when you do cross my mind, I try smiling.

5. You're my best friend. I don't know what you think of me or if you feel the same way but any time anything bad or good happens to me, you're one of the first people I want to talk to.

6. I'm afraid to visit you because the last time I did, you didn't know who I was. I guess in my naive mind I thought that you would always know who I was because I never judged you and I always listened to everything you had to say. I haven't seen you in more than a year. I know that some day soon I'll work up the courage to come and see you and I should do it soon before we get a phone call that you've passed away.

7. You've always been there for me, for as long as I've known you. There have been times when I wished you were more of a loyal friend to me but I also know you wish I was around more. I don't know what to say. I'm holding onto this with everything I've got left in me and I think you feel the same.

8. I wish you came looking for me. I wish I knew if you regret giving me up. I wish you would've taken the initiative to come and find me and talk to me about why you did what you did. The truth is that you probably never think twice about it. You were so young when I was born, not ready to be a mother and not ready to start a family. One day I hope to find you so we can talk and also to be a small part of one another's lives. I hate that I will never know my father but I feel like in this situation, there's a very small chance that I could find my birth mother. When I have the money and the resources, I'll look for you.

9. I wish we were still friends. You've changed and I don't like the person that you are anymore. I hate people like you. You'll realize one day where you went wrong with all of the people who used to care about you.

10. Thank you for always being my rock, even when you can't stand my attitude or temper tantrums. I love you.

"If I asked you to marry me now, would you??" -him

"Yeah." -me

"For real??" -him

"...YEAH."-me

If you want to ask me, then just ask me.

My mom put my dog to sleep on Friday.

I was not there.

She says she had no other choice. I'm still upset but trying not to think about it. I had been crying every day since Tuesday. I know he's in a better place but it still hurts. And I still feel guilty. I just hope that Nemo knew that I loved him more than anybody else and that he was special. He was my dog. Not my mom's. I don't care what anyone says.