gone

We got into a fight.

So big a fight that I left him. Temporarily.

I've been crying for almost 8 hours now.

I feel that I love him more than he loves me. And I guess it's because I expect him to show me that love and in the (almost) a year and a half that we've been together, I really haven't seen it.

There is never a solution to any of our problems.

They go away for a little while and then come back because they were never taken care of. It's the same cycle over and over again.

I keep nagging.

He keeps saying "okay, okay."

Start over.

I don't feel that I am an important part of his life because he, again, doesn't show it.

Today I discovered that his friend called me a bad name and he didn't do anything.

...When he read that email this morning, he probably laughed and agreed in his head with what was said about me.

I'm kind of at a loss for words. I can't say anything I haven't said before.

It is now almost 4 a.m. and I'm still awake. I promised myself that I wouldn't lose any sleep over this situation and look what it's done to me.

I told 3 different friends about what happened...which isn't really like me since I like to keep things private.

By the end of the last conversation, I felt okay but now I feel lousy again.

Will I ever find anyone who loves me as much or more than I love them? That's what I want. I just want to know that I'm loved as much as it pours out of me. I don't have that right now and I don't know if I will ever have that with Ian.

The next 2 days are really going to determine my decision of whether or not to stay with him. I love him but that's not enough.

I wish I was as special to him as he is to me...and to be honest, I don't think that will ever be the case and it fucking breaks my heart.

Some how, I found the courage to leave tonight. He didn't come after me. And frankly, I didn't want to be chased in the first place.

It's just so much easier to be alone...it's lonelier...but you don't get attached to anyone in that respect and you don't get hurt. All you have to depend on is yourself. You don't have anyone there to let you down. It's all up to you.

I thought he loved me but...I feel that maybe that was all an illusion. This isn't the first night I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm sure it won't be the last.