Ian's kitten

I don't know if I mentioned the fact that I purchased a kitten for Ian a couple weeks ago as an early Christmas present...so here's the story.

I found an ad on craigslist - a woman was trying to sell two kittens she could no longer care for. One was a tabby and one was orange. I emailed her and she told me that the orange one was still available. He was cute. Both are only six months old.

Throughout the next two days, the woman and I kept corresponding as she told me about his health, where she got him from, that he had been taken to the vet, what his eating habits were like, how active and how laid back he was, etc.

Finally the day arrived for me to be able to come and see him. She wasn't home. It was snowing. It was cold. Ian and I were standing outside for like 40 minutes. Then she goes "oh wait...let me see if my roommate is home."

.........THANKS.

We get inside and the orange cat gets really skiddish around Ian. Then we see this smaller tabby cat.

"Oh...I thought he was getting adopted?" I asked.

"Is he?? As far as I know he still needs a home...do you want me to find out?" Roommate asked.

Sure, I said.

Turns out that the tabby cat still needs a home. While we are attempting to get the orange cat into the crate, the tabby cat goes in all by himself and just makes himself at home on top of the towels. He doesn't run away from Ian, he lets us hold him, rubs up against us. Meanwhile, the orange one was just like "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE???" Needless to say, he was freaking out.

The roommate tells us that even though there is someone INTERESTED in adopting the tabby cat, he still needs a home so Ian and I decide to steal him instead.

We felt bad for the orange cat but he was just really skiddish and wasn't into the idea of going home with us. Meanwhile, his brother was excited and lovable.

He's doing really well. Already growing a lot and I think that the owner was feeding him people food since he's always trying to eat whatever I have in my hands and will sometimes stick his nose up at the food we bought him.

His name is Flynn and he's adorable. I get so excited when I go over to see Ian because now I have two reasons to go over there. He always ends up on my left side when I sleep there..I always find him underneath the blanket using my leg as a pillow/heating pad.

Ian and the holidays

There are times when I question whether or not Ian and I are good for one another, whether we should stay together or just break it off and go our separate ways, and then there are times when I don't know what I would do without him.

Even though we fight about stupid things, which I am usually responsible for, he's always there when I need him.

When my family ignores me and makes it clear that they don't need or want me around, he's there.

When my mom is yelling at me about something that I didn't do, he's there.

When I feel like I'm totally being taken for granted by everyone, he finds a way to turn it all around.

I'm thankful that I have him and Juan and Miguel and all of my other friends who are always there for me even if I'm not always there.

For the first time in a while, I actually sat down and talked to my mom. I always try to avoid conversation with her but I found a way to talk to her without wanting to rip her face off.

moving

I wish I had the courage to tell my mother that I'm moving out so that she could just kick me out now and get it over with.

I do not want to spend Christmas with her. I want to be with my friends and Ian, who really feel like family.

Every year I tell myself "I'm not coming to this stupid party next year".....but I do it anyways because I don't want anyone having more reason not to like me and I also don't want to let my mom down, despite how bad she treats me or has treated me in the past.

But I really feel that starting next year, I'm gonna pass out our presents and leave shortly after midnight and just be with Ian because that is when I'm truly happy.

The majority (not all) of my family does not care about me as much as I'd like them to. It's always evident around my birthdays and on holidays. People just pretend to like me to my face.

I still don't know what I've done to them and I'll probably never know.

At this point, I really don't care.

I wish I could spend the holidays with Juan, Samson, Ian, Miguel and Laura. That's what I really want.

Day 10

Day 10: One confession

I don't think I have much time left. I've been feeling this way for a few months now. Nobody else seems to be taking it as serious as I am. People just shrug it off and tell me I'm being "silly." In a way, death would be a sweet relief from the daily struggle.

Day 9

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

:]

:/ (because I'm tired)

Day 8

Day 8: Three turn ons

1. Make me feel like I matter.

2. Surprise me.

3. Don't be afraid to introduce me to people.

It doesn't feel like Christmas to me.

I hate living here...I think this is why I get depressed. I really just want to leave right now.

Day 7

Day seven: Four turn offs

1. No spontaneity. If you can't surprise me with things or buy me flowers or something on just a NORMAL day...it just bothers me a lot. It would be nice to know that I'm appreciated. Sometimes just saying "I appreciate you" isn't enough.

2. LOUDLY burping or farting and thinking it's the funniest thing in the world. It's not funny. It's pretty gross and even though we all do it, it's not something that deserves praise lol

3. Acting like you can't stand being around me when we're in public. Try to at least pretend you are happy.

4. Lying. Just...don't do it. It will make me more angry in the end.

Day 6

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.

1. My dad. He might not be here anymore but I still think of him often, especially when I see families together. There are many times when I stop and wonder what my life would be like if he was still around.

2. Miguel.

3. Juan.

4. Samson.

5. Ian.

The majority (more like...all) of my close friends are men because they have never let me down. Girls always get caught up in the bullshit, at least the girls that I've known have done that. They're good to talk to when you have boy problems but talking to a guy about guy problems is easier because they GET what you're talking about since they've done it, have friends who have done it or have been in that situation with a girl before. I have never had a guy friend who let me down or wasn't there for me just because he had a date or a girlfriend. In the past, I have felt that girls are much less reliable than guys because when they become attached to someone, they disappear off the face of the earth. I don't want or need friends like that.

sleep

I hate sleeping without you.

In fact, the reason why I think I stay up so late on the nights I'm home is because you're not here with me. By the time I finally get into my bed, I'm beyond exhausted - it usually takes about 30 - 60 seconds for me to fall asleep. Typically, it should take a person anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes to fall asleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night and reach out but you aren't there.

Whenever I sleep at your apartment, I'll reach out. If I can't feel you, I open my eyes really fast and pull you close to me and kiss you, even if it means waking you up for a few seconds.

Sometimes I wonder if you're glad I'm not there sleeping next to you because it means that no one will steal your blankets, push you off/hog the bed or use the "good" pillows.

I don't want to go to sleep because I know you're not going to be next to me in the morning, snoring like a monster.

Day 5

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.

1. Spent more time at the paper than I did at the hospital with my father. Even though he wasn't dying yet, now that I look back, that time was very precious...He was still around and he was still healthy compared to the condition he was in when he died. I should have just said "fuck it" and went to the hospital to be with him.

2. Never let the most insignificant people get the best of me or get under my skin.

3. Left Nemo with my mom that Friday. I still feel responsible for his death and it's because I never got to say good bye and I can't help but wonder if he was lying on that cold metal table thinking that I didn't love him enough to be there.

4. Cried in front of my boss last week.

5. Told people I was only taking the fall semester off. I should have said "I'm taking time off. Indefinitely. I need to save money. That's my explanation. No more questions." I've decided to also take the spring semester off since it's been damn near impossible to save for school so I think that since moving with Ian is getting closer, I will be A LOT more motivated and disciplined to save money for a place. After we are settled in, I will save for school. And I will use moving and school as my motivation to work my ass off at my job. Always try my best from now on.

6. Allow my mother to keep me from going to a good college. Since I was stupid and went to a bad high school, I didn't know about full scholarships or loans that I could take out. At the time, I didn't qualify for financial aid because my mom made too much money and that's all I knew of. I didn't know that people would pay for my entire education no questions asked. I wish I knew then what I know now.

Day 4

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. Ian

2. my friends and their well being(mostly Juan and Miguel)

3. Why I am friends with someone I really don't like anymore.

4. Work and why what I do is never enough for my boss.

5. Moving in with Ian.

6. How much I hate living with my mother.

7. What I'm going to eat for dinner on said day.

We fixed things.

...

Thank God.

gone

We got into a fight.

So big a fight that I left him. Temporarily.

I've been crying for almost 8 hours now.

I feel that I love him more than he loves me. And I guess it's because I expect him to show me that love and in the (almost) a year and a half that we've been together, I really haven't seen it.

There is never a solution to any of our problems.

They go away for a little while and then come back because they were never taken care of. It's the same cycle over and over again.

I keep nagging.

He keeps saying "okay, okay."

Start over.

I don't feel that I am an important part of his life because he, again, doesn't show it.

Today I discovered that his friend called me a bad name and he didn't do anything.

...When he read that email this morning, he probably laughed and agreed in his head with what was said about me.

I'm kind of at a loss for words. I can't say anything I haven't said before.

It is now almost 4 a.m. and I'm still awake. I promised myself that I wouldn't lose any sleep over this situation and look what it's done to me.

I told 3 different friends about what happened...which isn't really like me since I like to keep things private.

By the end of the last conversation, I felt okay but now I feel lousy again.

Will I ever find anyone who loves me as much or more than I love them? That's what I want. I just want to know that I'm loved as much as it pours out of me. I don't have that right now and I don't know if I will ever have that with Ian.

The next 2 days are really going to determine my decision of whether or not to stay with him. I love him but that's not enough.

I wish I was as special to him as he is to me...and to be honest, I don't think that will ever be the case and it fucking breaks my heart.

Some how, I found the courage to leave tonight. He didn't come after me. And frankly, I didn't want to be chased in the first place.

It's just so much easier to be alone...it's lonelier...but you don't get attached to anyone in that respect and you don't get hurt. All you have to depend on is yourself. You don't have anyone there to let you down. It's all up to you.

I thought he loved me but...I feel that maybe that was all an illusion. This isn't the first night I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Day 3

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

1. Tell me I'm beautiful even when I have a bad cold and my nose is all red from sneezing aka when I look like shit. Telling a girl that she looks beautiful and not "nice" or "pretty" no matter how she looks is the number one way to get HER to believe she's beautiful.

2. Buy me flowers just because. Not because it's an anniversary or Valentine's Day.

3. Tell people you're proud of me right in front of me. Don't be ashamed of me.

4. Be there for me when I need it the most and don't always feel like you have to be that voice of reason in my head. Just be there and shut up for five seconds and hold me till I'm done having my outburst.

5. Don't make me feel stupid or ridiculous and don't ever tell me that I'm being stupid or ridiculous. Basically - take my feelings seriously because I don't dismiss what ANYONE says to me so I expect the same in return.

6. Kiss me on the forehead and hug me to keep me warm.

7. Tell me how you feel about me every once in a while.

8. Defend me and my behavior...even when your friends are the ones talking trash about me.

Day 2

Day Two: Nine Things About Yourself

1. I'm very abrasive when I'm angry. It makes most people uncomfortable. I say horrible, hurtful things if I'm around someone and they're making me speak. About an hour later (at the most), I realize what I just did and feel terrible. I need to work on this.

2. I'm fat and I'll always be fat. Today I found out I went down in two dress sizes but I'm still fat lol and that's okay I guess. I've accepted the fact that I'm fat but that doesn't mean I like it.

3. I don't like the way I look and I have no self-confidence. I hate looking in the mirror. And as much as I want people to help me with this, nobody can or will. I can't really blame them. I know I'm not pretty and I don't want anybody telling me lies.

4. I have a lot of health problems that a 23-year-old shouldn't have and the thing is that they all bounce off of each other so it's hard to find the right medications that won't mess anything else up.

5. Lazy = me.

6. I've had very few friends in the past who actually stood by me and when I tell new friends about how my old friends treated me when my dad died, they are in such disbelief. I literally just felt abandoned by everyone and to this day, they still don't seem to get that.

7. I like really bad movies.

8. I love animals. I always pet dogs waiting outside of grocery stores or whatever. I think it's cruel that people leave their dogs tied to stop signs. Quit doing it.

9. I want kids...sometimes but know that I physically can't have them. I say sometimes because there are times when I am working or I'm on the bus or out somewhere in general and there is this SCREAMING child, throwing a huge fit. No...I don't think I could handle that...

10. More than anything, I always want him to think that I'm beautiful and perfect even when I'm old. I never want him to leave me and I'm scared to death that he's going to cheat on me and leave me for someone younger, prettier and thinner. I want to get old with him and still have him look at me the same way and tell me that I'm the only one that matters.

uh...go away.

I think I will feel much more motivated to do things and get out once I move the hell out of here and live with someone that I actually love and care for.

That's all I have to say about that.

I want a new lens......

new Day _______ blog

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I will never be who you want me to be and eventually, you're going to have to accept that. I want to do things my way and you've always wanted me to do things your way. We were never meant to be in each other's lives but I'm stuck with you. Most of the time, I wish it was all a bad dream.

2. I wish I could have said goodbye to you. You were a good dog and you were mine. Nobody loved you as much as I did and still do. I miss seeing you at my door when I wake up in the morning and I miss seeing you at the front door when I come home at night. I know you weren't feeling well but I'll never truly know how much pain you were in since I wasn't here the night it happened. I wish I could have said goodbye but I also know that it would've been too hard and I'd probably still be crying every day. Yesterday I had a dream that I convinced the vet not to put you to sleep and you were back here with me but when I realized you were, in fact, gone I went back to my bed and cried. I love you and I promise that if I ever get another dog or cat, I will treat them better and think of you. You were loved.

3. Sometimes things happen or don't happen for a reason. The truth is that I will probably always have a small place for you in my heart but I bring myself back to reality when I remember how easy it was for you to give up on what we could've had. I'll always be here for you when you need someone to talk to. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had we gotten our acts together but I probably would've found a way to screw it up because that's what I do.

4. I miss you. I miss seeing you in the kitchen late at night or peeking into the living room to find you asleep in the chair with the t.v. on mute. I miss our talks and how close we used to be. I miss driving around aimlessly and talking about school and how I often felt out of place in the world and how you always told me it was okay to be different. I miss you most when I see little girls with their dads, holding their hands, walking across a busy street. I envy families. I'm sad to say that I don't think of you all of the time or every day like I used to but when you do cross my mind, I try smiling.

5. You're my best friend. I don't know what you think of me or if you feel the same way but any time anything bad or good happens to me, you're one of the first people I want to talk to.

6. I'm afraid to visit you because the last time I did, you didn't know who I was. I guess in my naive mind I thought that you would always know who I was because I never judged you and I always listened to everything you had to say. I haven't seen you in more than a year. I know that some day soon I'll work up the courage to come and see you and I should do it soon before we get a phone call that you've passed away.

7. You've always been there for me, for as long as I've known you. There have been times when I wished you were more of a loyal friend to me but I also know you wish I was around more. I don't know what to say. I'm holding onto this with everything I've got left in me and I think you feel the same.

8. I wish you came looking for me. I wish I knew if you regret giving me up. I wish you would've taken the initiative to come and find me and talk to me about why you did what you did. The truth is that you probably never think twice about it. You were so young when I was born, not ready to be a mother and not ready to start a family. One day I hope to find you so we can talk and also to be a small part of one another's lives. I hate that I will never know my father but I feel like in this situation, there's a very small chance that I could find my birth mother. When I have the money and the resources, I'll look for you.

9. I wish we were still friends. You've changed and I don't like the person that you are anymore. I hate people like you. You'll realize one day where you went wrong with all of the people who used to care about you.

10. Thank you for always being my rock, even when you can't stand my attitude or temper tantrums. I love you.

"If I asked you to marry me now, would you??" -him

"Yeah." -me

"For real??" -him

"...YEAH."-me

If you want to ask me, then just ask me.

My mom put my dog to sleep on Friday.

I was not there.

She says she had no other choice. I'm still upset but trying not to think about it. I had been crying every day since Tuesday. I know he's in a better place but it still hurts. And I still feel guilty. I just hope that Nemo knew that I loved him more than anybody else and that he was special. He was my dog. Not my mom's. I don't care what anyone says.

Nemo

I have a dog named Nemo.

He's six or seven years old...so he's relatively young.

My aunt almost hit him with her car when he was a puppy - his previous owners threw him out in the middle of winter. My dad felt really bad for Nemo because nobody wanted him, we had just lost a dog so he convinced my mom to take him.

Over the course of a few short years, my father and I took to him very well.

Then my dad died.

And I babied Nemo, paid more attention to him than my mom, played with him, etc.

A couple days ago, Nemo injured himself. We don't know how or when but it was very sudden. He couldn't walk.

My mom took him to the vet and the woman told her that he either just has inflammation and hurt himself and is sore OR he ruptured a disc in his back.

There is a surgery that fixes it and it's over $3,000 - money that my mom probably has but doesn't want to spend on an animal. She says she doesn't have it but I don't believe her. Seeing as how my dad left her money when he died and she gets money from her social security benefits.

The vet also told my mother that the cortisone shot she gave him has a 50% chance of working and that over the next few days, he'll either get better or worse.

It's hard to tell which direction Nemo is moving into since he's the biggest baby ever and let me also state that Nemo has never been sick or hurt so I don't know if the pain is as bad as it seems when he squeals like a pig every time he turns himself the wrong way. I do know that every time I have to hear him cry, I start crying as well and I can't stop. I'm crying right now.

I love my dogs and my cat and I've always loved the pets we've had. I've seen a lot of animals get put down but this dumb dog has really won my heart over. It has more to do with the fact that my father fought to get him into this house and he stayed up late with him while he whined and cried, adjusting to his new home. Nemo is the last piece of my father that I have left. When my dad died, Nemo howled for days on end and lost a lot of his energy. He got it back eventually but both of our dogs were affected by the death of my father.

My mother is giving Nemo until Friday...which I think is not enough time. She says that if he isn't better by Friday, she's taking him to the vet and getting him euthanized. I STRONGLY disagree with this idea because...I DON'T THINK THAT THREE DAYS IS LONG ENOUGH RECOVERY TIME. Yesterday night, I could tell she just wanted to throw the towel in and put him down but since we do not know what's wrong with him....what if we were to make a horrible mistake? What if we put him down and all it is is a sore neck?

I told Juan that if I had a credit card, I would take him to the emergency vet myself, put myself into debt and pay for his surgery if that's what he needed.

My compassion for animals has definitely kicked in since I started working at a holistic pet store but in general, I have always had a passion and love for dogs and cats.

I think what also is making me a wreck is the fact that I have no support here. Ian is not here. Yet Juan drove over to my house and rearranged his sleeping schedule to come and listen to me cry and even cried himself (sorry Juan) because of Nemo's condition. I am so tired of telling the person I love what to do, how to do it, when to do it all of the time.

Sometimes...you just need to be there. Without the other person asking.

I don't feel cared about or loved. I feel neglected and I'm losing trust in him because he isn't here for me. So while I cry about my dog possibly being put to sleep by the end of this week, I also cry for my relationship and the constant struggle of him not knowing what's right or wrong. And instead of trying to do...SOMETHING, he does nothing. And it hurts me so much because every time it happens, I feel less and less like he cares for me. But it just doesn't seem to make a difference to him.

I just want my dog to get better. I swear to God that if he gets better, I will take much better care of him. I will buy him probiotics, supplements, $60 dog food, whatever I have to do to keep him living longer. I just want him to get past this and I want my mom to have more patience in his condition. She's not a shrew. She loves Nemo just as much as I do but it's hard for her to see him in pain and her automatic response is "let's put him to sleep" because she thinks it'll solve all of the problems. The fact is, if he's put to sleep, I will have a big problem. It's not time for him to go yet and I wish she'd look at it that way instead of seeing it as him being in pain.

He doesn't have any health issues and it would be different if he was a much older dog...but he's still young enough to pull through and he has something to fight for.

A family.

I've thought of my new year's resolution

It's not really a resolution since I don't think I will be improving anything or changing much except for the fact that maybe I can convince Ian to spend money with me on groceries instead of greasy, fatty foods.

I want to buy a cookbook.

I want to post the recipes in here, along with photos, my results and what everything tasted like so that people can feel like they were right there with us. Eating.

I don't know which cookbook I'm going to buy. I could pull a Julie Powell and buy Julia Child's Art of French Cooking but I don't want to make a meat jello mold. I also do not want to bone a duck even though it'll probably be delicious.

I will not have a specific date in mind in finishing the recipes.

We'll see what happens. I'll probably go to Borders before the year ends and look through dozens of cook books to determine which one is best for me.

Autumn

Autumn is, by far, my favorite season of the year.

I love crunching the leaves with my shoes as I pass the same trees that were different colors the week before.

I love the smell after a cold rainfall - hold the humidity.

I love seeing kids in their over-sized coats and hats and scarves that are totally unnecessary in this weather.

I love...wearing my peacoat. Right now, though, it's too warm to wear it and it's driving me nuts. I'm also hoping to eventually buy a new coat since the one I currently have has seen better days.

Winter is nice too but I don't like the slush and getting my shoes and pants wet.

Things with Ian are...alright. We still have our ups and downs but as more time passes, the more I realize that EVERYONE who is in a relationship has small and big problems...but they don't always talk about them. It doesn't help that I only have like...one "close" friend who is in a relationship but I won't get into that. I still love him more than anything though and that's what keeps me going. I love him more each time I'm with him.

Work is going really well. My manager quit so I'll be getting more hours again and that makes me both happy and sad - I like my off days. I like not working 4 days in a row because it's like a vacation. Some days are good and some are bad but mostly, my days at work are good. Especially with my manager gone. I won't mention his name or his likeness but he's an ass hole as far as managers go. He didn't know how to MANAGE and instead would sit on his butt all day and make me do all of the work that he could've helped me with.

The really good news is that since I've started work, I've lost at least 10 pounds. Since I'm overweight and know a lot of people who are overweight or once were, I try not to obsess about it and I try not to jump on the scale every day but last I checked, I had lost 10 pounds and I can tell since ALL of my jeans are falling down more often than they used to in the first place. I still need to buy a belt...

So I can thank my ex manager for helping to make me less of a fat ass and I know that as long as I continue pushing myself to lift and drop enormous bags of dog and cat food, I'll continue to sweat and I'll continue losing weight.

I'm fat. I've always been fat. I'll always be fat.

It's the one thing I really hate about myself. There are days when I don't even understand what Ian is doing with me because I feel so yucky about myself. And when he pushes the hair out of my face or kisses me on the forehead, that feeling usually goes away.

We're moving in April.

So that gives me a few months to start saving for more silverware (he has a fork, a spoon and a few knives...), some more plates and bowls, kitchen utensils, our dream but affordable bed, and furniture.

God willing.

I think the root of our problems is that we are constantly on a schedule when we spend time together. It's like we already live together during the first few days and everything is fine but then when I have to leave, things start to get a bit rocky again.

I can't get mad that his mom does his laundry for him because I'm not going to do it. Right now.

I want us to live together so that one or both of us can go out and come home to each other (I've said this before, I know). I just want to know that at the end of each day, he's the one I'm coming home to.

When we're both happy, which isn't all of the time, I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.

I only have to wait a few more months until we can start our lives together.

Day 30

Day 30: Who are you?

I've been struggling with this final question for the last few days - that's why I haven't updated. Truth be told, I don't always know who I am because there are days when I don't like myself and then there are times when I don't understand why some people don't like me.

I guess I'm a daughter but sometimes I wish I had a choice in where I was placed.

I'm complicated and for the dumbest reasons.

I'm a loser and probably always will be.

I'd rather stay in all day watching tv and eating food that's bad for me than go out and be sociable with people that I don't know or like.

I do everything I can not to be stereotypical or predictable so I won't end this with something lame like "I'm me" because that's all we can be. Ourselves.

Day 29/Holidays

Day 29: In the past month, what have you learned?

I've learned how to clean a tub full of dog hair in five minutes and I've also learned that working 9 hour days results in a 9 hour work out...which then results in me losing weight.

I have learned that as much as I care about my mother, I'm ready to leave but I'm terrified at how she's going to react and what she's going to say to my family after I break the news.

...I think that's about it. There are plenty of other things I've learned throughout the year but not much has happened in the past month.

Since Thanksgiving is coming up in a couple of months, I have to start figuring out what to do. I know that eventually I will have to compromise with Ian and either spend a holiday alone, be with him and his mom or make him and his mom come to one of my relative's homes. I'm so used to always being with my family on holidays that it would feel really weird to...not be there and I think more than anything, I'm worried about how my mom will react and how my family will treat me if I don't show up for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I've missed a couple of family events and dinners this year mostly to spare Ian from the nonsense and I can always tell that my family is just kind of like "where were YOU last time???" when they see or talk to me. I guess this is one of the things that all people in long-term relationships have had to go through. I know that my married cousins have gotten into actual arguments with their spouses because they were also used to being with the family and going to the in-laws was just different. I'll figure it out. If I could have it my way, I would invite Ian and his mom to all of my family's dinners but I don't want his mom to feel like she isn't allowed to be there or that she can't be herself...which is also something I worried about with Ian at first but he seems to be adjusting to all of the children and the different attitudes that my family has.

Day 28

Day 28: A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed?

then

now

I guess I've changed more on the inside than the outside. I recently cut my hair short (again) and this was one of the first pictures I took. Anyways, much more of an introvert. It has a lot to do with being with Ian. He likes to sit around inside, relax, watch tv and I guess I've kind of adjusted to that kind of life style. I don't like going to parties, I don't like drunk people (but I never did). I spend most of my free time with him and a lot of my friends are annoyed by that. Sorry, but this is pretty much the first time in my 23 years of living that I've decided to do what I want instead of doing what everyone else wants. Even though we drive each other nuts sometimes and it seems like we're holding on by a thread, we love each other very much. A year ago, I never imagined I'd be saying "I wanna spend the rest of my life with this guy I'm dating." or "I want to have babies with this guy I'm dating." :| I still don't really want kids but apparently, it's the cool thing to do.

I'm not as outspoken as I used to be because I just don't see a point in starting trouble or giving my opinion about everything.

I think 2011 is going to be a good year. 2010 was pretty tops, despite its ups and downs, but again...we'll see what happens.

Day 27

Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Well, I've never done anything like this before and I see a lot of people participating in these things on their blogs so I thought I'd give it a shot. Since I started, I've found other challenges that are shorter and have more in-depth questions so I'll be starting one of those as soon as I'm done with this one.

I'm constantly wondering what is right and what is wrong. As an adult, I am faced with so many obstacles each day and there are times when I wish I could be 5 again. My biggest problem at that age was trying not to fall off of my bike. And it seemed like...even though I knew the possibility of falling was always going to be there, it just didn't matter. It didn't stop me. As grown ups, we are constantly frozen in fear. There are so many things I want to do with my life and at the same time, there are so many things I'm afraid of doing.

I'm afraid of taking chances. I'm terrified that when I am finally done with college, I won't find a teaching job.

I'm afraid of leaving Ian even though I get so damn mad at him sometimes. I don't know anybody who's in a long-term relationship (who I can actually trust) so I can't tell if the problems we run into are normal couple bumps in the road or if we should just break up. So then there are days, like yesterday, when I want to call it off because I seriously don't know what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I feel like a lot of what we used to have is draining out of our relationship and I don't want us to be one of those couples that stays together for no reason at all. I don't want to look back 10 or 15 years from now and not even know why we're still together. We went to this hot dog place last week and this older couple runs and owns it. Before the husband went and did his deliveries, he kissed and hugged his wife. Even after all of these years, they still love each other and can still show each other that affection. Things between us are changing. And I'm changing too but Ian is still the same. I know that when things like this happen, you can either go along with the change or you get left behind. I don't want him to get left behind and I don't want him to just be...some chapter in my life. I'm in this for the long run and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together and have kids to yell at. But I do know that I also cannot spend the rest of my life with someone who has the mentality of a teenage boy, at times.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Day 26 (I'M ALMOST DONE!!!)

Day 26: What you think about your friends

Without my friends, old and new(er), I would not have survived. The teasing in high school made life almost unbearable but I had friends who helped me get through each day and eventually, I had friends who were older and protected me from bullies. I had people in my life who came and went but I'm grateful for the times they were in my life because I know for a fact that without each and every one of them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

There was one point in my life where I abandoned all of my friends because their lives were taking directions that I didn't want to go in. I don't do drugs and I never did and they were all "experimenting." Most of those people still do drugs, by the way.

I don't know if I have the courage I had back then...when I was 15 or 16 years old.

I'm 23 and it's so hard for me to let go.

The close friends that I have now, I can picture having in my life forever.

Juan is the only friend I have who doesn't make me feel stupid or immature, even if what I'm doing or saying is stupid or immature.

Samson and I share a lot of the same thoughts when certain things or people are brought up and I've always felt like "why do I gotta be the bad guy alone?" until I became friends with him. I'll never forget the summer where he convinced me to walk home from school almost every day and we'd talk about religion, death, people, music, etc.

While most of the time, I do not agree with what Laura does or says, there are these moments when her and I will both be thinking the same exact thing. There are also times when one convinces the other to open their eyes a little and see the bigger picture. We've always done well in the compromising department and to me, that's the most important part of a friendship. You gotta be willing to bend a little.

Miguel is my best friend. He has been there for me for years. He was the first person I called when my dad died and he was the first person at my house. He came with me to say goodbye to my dad and held me when I felt completely alone. He stuck by me when I fell into a deep and dark depression. And even though we don't make enough time for each other, he always forgives me and is always there for me.

Ian's also become my best friend. I realize that I am not the easiest person to get along with and that sometimes it's really difficult to get things out of me - this is why my mom and I don't see eye to eye. I can always talk to him, though. He's always the first person I want to talk to when I've had a bad or good day.

I think that all of my closer friends have certain qualities about themselves that I see in myself or characteristics that I even got because of them. I have had so many people walk out on me or hurt me and I really believe that the people above will always be around.

Day 25

Day 25: What would you find in my bag

I carry a book bag and this is what I carry in it:

my wallet

my bus pass

gum

change

paper

a book

...more paper

clothes (sometimes)

Day 24

Day 24: A letter to your parents.

Thank you for making so many mistakes that even I'll learn from them when raising my own children.

Mom - .......Sometimes I wonder how great my life would be if you didn't adopt me. I still see older women and imagine how painless my adolescence would've been if they were my mother instead of you. You often make me feel like everything I do is wrong or not good enough. I don't want to spend "quality time" with you because you've hurt me for years in ways that you can't ever comprehend. Most likely, when I have kids, you won't be allowed around them alone because I don't really want them to get hit or yelled at the way I was and still am when nobody is watching.

Dad - I wish you were still here. I often wonder what life would be like now if you were still around. I took you for granted. Whenever she gets out of control, I think of you and try to think of how you'd find a way out. I know that you felt that you screwed up my childhood by being sick but you didn't. I miss you.

Day 23

Day 23: Something you crave a lot.

Tacos.

I woke up in a really foul mood.

Maybe I'm not okay with always having my feelings disregarded. And maybe it's not okay that I constantly feel like I'm coming in last place.

mothers and daughters/sons

I thought I might take this time to talk about the relationship I have with my mom.

We don't really get along. We've been arguing ever since I learned how to talk. There are days when I don't like her and I'm sure there are days when she doesn't like me.

We have never and never will have that bond between mother and daughter. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I was adopted or because instead of showering me with love, she often showered me with gifts and food.

My dad and I were always very close because he just let me be. My mom has constantly been the one to push me down then wonder why I don't get back up immediately. She's always tried to force a friendship between us. So many times in fact, that I can't even remember how often I've told her "I don't want you to be my friend. I want you to be my mother." I think that she probably dreamed of having this perfect daughter who would talk to her about everything and anything and instead she got this rebellious, stubborn, brutally honest child who was anything but perfect.

My mom fails to remember the times she pretended to call the police or even worse - the adoption agency. That's right. My mom used to pretend to call the adoption agency to take me back and get a refund. I don't have enough imagination to make things like this up.

My dad hit me a few times as a kid and I remember most of the instances. The one time I actually bled, I can't remember because I was so young.

Instead of being brought up in a home filled with love and laughter, I was brought up in a home where fights occurred on a weekly basis between either the two parents or one of the parents and the child. I was brought up in a home that had more hospital visits than it did embraces. There were good times as well. We traveled a lot. My dad got information out of me that he'd later tell my mom, I'm sure.

Unfortunately, when I turned 15, my mother had watched her fair share of Ricky Lake and Maury and was convinced that I was on drugs. I came home one evening to find my room a complete wreck because she decided to look for these drugs that I didn't have or do. I always openly told her that I'd take a drug test whenever she wanted but instead, she humiliated me by turning my mattress over, pulling all of my books and movies off of my book case and emptied all of the clothes out of my dresser drawer. And of course when she found nothing, I was responsible for cleaning up the mess she made.

There's other things that occurred that I won't get into but the thing that brought this blog on was the constant...good relationship I see Ian has with his mom. Let me preface this by saying that I'm 90% happy with what we have and that we didn't get into a fight. These are just my thoughts and feelings.

There are definitely times when I am envious of Ian's mom because he's never afraid of showing her affection even though he's 24. I once saw them walk together holding hands. She's so proud of him and he's so proud of her. What about me? There are times when we'll be in a crowded room, he'll be sitting right next to me and he won't touch me or kiss me and it makes me feel like he just doesn't want to be around me. Even though this is a stupid thought, it's a thought none the less. I know that in reality, he just isn't paying attention or is tired but yeah.

I think the thing that really gets under my skin is how he always goes to bat for her, and who wouldn't? I always tell him that I wish I had a role model like that in my life. I don't know about everything that's happened in her life but I know a good chunk of it and this woman is the ultimate trooper. I'm waiting for the day when one of his friends will say, "your girlfriend is a bitch." and Ian decides that he doesn't want to be friends with that person anymore. Instead, I'm sure the conversation is more like "your girlfriend is too dramatic." and he says "yeah, she is." And he continues talking to the people who don't respect what we have and don't understand what we're like when we're alone. What's more is that he doesn't even try to get his friends to understand that I'm NOT a huge C U Next Tuesday every day of the week and that I'm not as mean as he portrays me to be, after a day of fighting. He doesn't try to explain that every so often I pour my heart out to him or that he spent X amount of time playing video games/writing while I sat there (this hasn't happened in a long time but I'm just using it as an example).

My friends always tell me that eventually the person you're with has to come before everyone and everything else up until the point you have a child together. Even then, your kid and your partner are going to come first. I don't know when that time will come but I know that I'm wasting my time waiting for it to happen. I know that I'm not Ian's top priority even though he's mine. I know that I come in 2nd or 3rd and that's okay. For now. But when we live together, I don't know if that'll be okay. And if we ever get engaged or married, I don't THINK that'll be okay. I can only hope that one day, it'll just happen but I can't force that and I don't want to. I don't want to be with him for years and he ends up resenting me for having to grow up so fast, so soon. I want him to want to make those kinds of changes when the time is right. And that, I am willing to wait around for.

Things between us aren't bad...at all. Sometimes I say too much and so does he and sometimes neither of us says enough. I'll never know what he says about me to others but I do know that whenever I tell anyone that we got into a spat, I tell the whole story...because I'm not perfect - but neither is he. There are times when both of us will laugh hysterically at the dumbest stuff or talk about things we've already discussed but it'll feel like it's the first time pulling up the memory of when this or that happened.

I don't always go to bed wondering if he's ashamed of me or if he's really in it for the long haul but there are some nights when I have doubts about his commitment to me and his commitment to our relationship. And there are even some nights when I have doubts about my own commitment to him and our relationship...but this has only occurred after a big fight. I'm happy with him but I don't always feel that he's happy.

I told him a few days ago that sometimes I feel as though he's just along for the ride and that when it comes to me being a part of his life...well he could either take it or leave it. He said that that's not true and I have to accept that. Unfortunately, he can't see why I feel this way.

I think what annoys me is when we spend a combined total of about $130 on groceries...and he lets his mom show up a few days later with more food. It made me not want to go shopping with him anymore because I just felt like "well we both wasted a lot of money" and every time she brings groceries, I just get these visions of her coming to our apartment next year with 6 bars of chocolate for him and other overly priced products from Whole Foods. This will NEVER happen but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. What also makes me feel like shit is that the food we bought. together. only gets eaten when I'm there. He doesn't eat any of the food we bought. together. He only eats what his mom buys him. It really bothers me and I haven't mentioned it because we don't need to fight about it. Me saying how I feel directly to him (whenever his mom is involved) gets me nowhere. We just end up arguing. He defends his mom's actions or his own justifications and I cry because I feel completely misunderstood or like I'm fighting a battle I'll never, ever win.

Now you might say, "you're being silly" and it's true - I am. But when you combine these small things with a bunch of other small things...it becomes really exhausting. What's exhausting? Not knowing how to solve these small problems and feeling completely helpless in your own situation.

Usually, when I try to bring up our small problems, I get a head shake and a big sigh. I may be over dramatic but I fight for everything. Eventually, there isn't going to be a fight left in me...then what do we do?

There's this relationship quote that's been going around for a few years and if I didn't know any better, I'd say I could've written it myself.

"Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore...and then be fought for."

Day 22

Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else?

I firmly believe that we're all different. No two people are the same.

From an educated person who one day wants to be an educator...

I recently (as in a couple hours ago) discovered that the woman who was made principal at my high school the year I graduated was bribing gang members into giving her information about the gang activity occurring.

I hope to one day become an elementary school teacher and perhaps even work at a high school. I specifically want to work with students who qualify as "less fortunate." I went to a high school that had the reputation of "educating" a number of students involved in gang activity, drugs or promiscuous lifestyles. Of course, there were also a number of students who grew up in neighborhoods and even homes with promiscuity, drugs and gang activity but these students made the choice to NOT end up like their parents or their brothers and sisters and made something of themselves. They made the choice to join the music academy and despite its reputation as a bad school, the music program changed hundreds of thousands of lives - mine being one of them.

Because of the music academy, I DIDN'T drop out of high school. I got teased so much in school that it became too much for me and I would fake being sick, I would run fake fevers, I'd miss school for almost an entire week on purpose. Boys would purposely torment me which eventually led to me physically fighting with them, in order to defend myself. I went home crying almost every single night and the music program and more importantly, the students and staff involved in the music program kept me from dropping out of that school.

I'm extremely surprised that an educator such as this would stoop so low as to give $50 to each tip given (not each STUDENT, each tip that was provided to this woman). And what is even MORE appalling is the fact that EVERY BRIBE THAT WAS HANDED OUT CAME FROM SCHOOL FUNDING.

While I know the school was and is mostly consumed with gang members, bribing those said gang members in attempts to stop the gang activity was definitely the wrong way to go. Some people (as in a stupid person who I went to high school with and believes the police system in Chicago is responsible for the gang activity) might like to blame police officers for these problems but as I said to SOME PEOPLE, the police system in Chicago is not the problem here. The education is and has been a problem for some time now. If a PRINCIPAL who was once Vice Principal for YEARS is going around handing out bribes to students, what kind of example is being set here? How are students who trusted this woman supposed to feel? And more importantly, how are educators going to get their students to trust them? As a future educator, how am I going to convince students that I have their good intentions at heart when this woman chose to take the easy and WRONG way out by bribing students to get information out of them? Because of this woman, I'm sure that a number of parents will be pulling their children out of public schools because guess where those $50 tips came from? My parents' pockets and your parents' pockets. That is, if your parents pay their taxes.

I know that my mother and father did not pay for me to go to school and make nothing of myself. My parents also did not pay money so that this woman could use it to pay for anonymous gang members' guns/drugs/knives/what have you.

I should mention that I did have a good relationship with this woman and respected her a lot as an educator and was shocked when I passed my high school and discovered that she had been replaced by a new principal after five short years. She did everything in her power to attempt to help me graduate on time and after I graduated, I frequently came back to visit my high school and I received a hall pass which allowed me to visit any of my old teachers that day (this never happens because security is really tight...supposedly).

ALSO, I later discovered that soon after she became principal a number of teachers lost their jobs and didn't know why. And I always found that some of the best and most giving teachers were the ones who were getting the boot. I can't say whether or not these teachers were given the "peace out homie" because they saw through her lies and deceit because hey, what do I know?

I also must say that I find it an extremely poor excuse for students to get involved in gang activity or drug addiction just because that's the kind of environment they were brought up in. You would think that you would use your relatives or friends as examples of what NOT to do but I guess not all of us have the same will power.

I know that when I start teaching, I'm not gonna have any of this. There will be no fights in my classroom, no threats made against me and certainly no bribes being given out just to find out who's doing what. It will be my job as an educator to ensure the safety of my students AND their education. I will only use this to fight harder against people like this woman and kids who think it's okay to go and join gangs and end up in jail. They may hate me at first but I will show them that success can take you on a long and powerful journey of empowerment. And in order to achieve that kind of mentality, they will need a teacher to help them prepare for high school and prepare for those pressures that other students will put on them.

I may not be able to save the world but I can make my attempt to save 20 or 30 kids a year and hopefully within those 20 - 30 kids, a small percentage of them will choose not to indulge and will choose not to fall victim to peer pressure.

Here is the article on the woman who did this. http://cbs2chicago.com/local/schurz.gangs.principal.2.1878696.html

That's all folks.

Day 21

Day 21: A picture of something that makes you happy.

Sometimes I find things that remind me of how we interact with each other or how our relationship is.

Day 20

Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

I think the answer to this one is pretty obvious since I write about it all of the time. I'm happy with my friends and I'm happy when I'm with Ian. I try to keep the two separate as much as possible because I know he doesn't like me dragging him to stuff. He is naturally a home body and I basically am as well. A big reason why I chose to keep my time with my friends separate from my time with Ian is because I wanted to see if I got sad when we weren't together - and I don't. I do love him a lot, more and more each day and sometimes that still scares me because I don't want to be with him for years and years and one day it's like "I'm tired of your crap. Bye." or "I found someone younger, thinner, prettier and less complicated. Bye."

I'm afraid of losing him because he treats me so well and I know that he cares for me a lot. I can see us moving in in a few months and then getting engaged in a couple years and then finally getting married a couple years after that. And maybe a couple years after that, we can have some kids or adopt some children. To me, adoption would be REALLY natural since I was adopted. We've briefly talked about surrogate. Secretly (but not anymore since he reads my blog and then tells me "I read your blog") I looked up the prices for it and it's REALLY expensive...but I think that if we want to have a child of our own, that would be the only way to do it. I've been told by a few different doctors that giving birth could probably kill me because of my medical conditions. I do want a child of my own but I also want to adopt a baby or two.

I know that things between us won't always be easy and God knows in the past year, we've had a number of ups and downs but I feel like we are really good together. Usually when one is down, the other is trying to bring that person back up. When one wants to complain, the other one will listen. When we do fight, we fight about the dumbest things. I have an acquaintance whose boyfriend recently went to a strip club and thought nothing of it...meanwhile, she's on facebook throwing their business out there for the world to see. I know that he would never do anything like that to me because he's too socially awkward. If he ever did leave me for someone else or make the mistake of cheating on me...I really think that if he told me right away and was upfront about everything, we could work together and get past it. Things would never be the same but not in a bad way. The most important thing to me is to be with someone who will always be honest with me and just shows that they love me and I think that for now, that's what I have.

Real update/day 19

I know I haven't done a real update in a while so here goes. Things between Ian and I have been going well lately. I'm really starting to hate my job again because I constantly feel as though everything I do or say is wrong but I don't hate it enough to quit or look for another place of employment. I think things will get better with time because certain aspects of the job that I didn't like, aren't as bad anymore. My mom has a new boyfriend and even though they just met three weeks ago, they started telling each other they loved one another after about three days - no, I'm not exaggerating.

This is the first "serious" relationship my mom's attempted to hold onto since my dad died. In general, she's a needy person so when she doesn't get the attention she wants, she becomes a totally different person. I'm getting more and more nervous about moving out because I don't know how she's going to react. A large part of me thinks she'll sell the house and that will cause a huge argument between the two of us because a bunch of my baby clothes and toys are upstairs and a lot of my dad's stuff is still up there. I grew up in this house. I've been living here for more than 14 years. I know she's going to go and tell my family how terrible of a daughter I am and I will therefore get the never ending guilt trip from my cousins and probably some of my aunts and uncles.

I miss being in school already. I definitely want to go back next semester. Today I was on the bus and was jealous of a girl who had a bag representing her college downtown and realized, "I DO NOT want to be working at this pet food store for the rest of my life...I want a job that's gonna make me happy." Yesterday when I woke up, I just KNEW it was going to be bad at work (and it was) and I practically begged Ian to let me stay over again last night. It's a good thing I did because if I were to originally come home as planned, I probably would've cried for a while and felt sorry for myself the whole night. Ian is usually the last person to stress me out or put me in a bad mood and that's why I wanted to stay with him, as opposed to going home and dealing with my mom.

This girl wrote something on Tumblr about how her boyfriend saves all of the stuff she's written to him in a box. Often times, I feel like Ian doesn't appreciate me as much as I'd like or that he doesn't want me around but I know for a fact that he holds onto the stuff I write for him. He has his own way of showing how he loves me and I'm beginning to understand that more and more. If there's such a thing as your heart smiling, I guess that's what I experienced this weekend with him. It was his birthday on Saturday. On Friday, we went to House of Sushi with his mom and saw The Expendables. I did not get salmonella poisoning (Thank God!). We later discovered that House of Sushi delivers so I'm sure that some time soon, we'll be getting that. On Thursday, my mom's boyfriend is supposed to come over and the four of us are SUPPOSED to have dinner but I don't know if that's going to happen now since she seemed to screw things up again. I may have a private talk with him because I don't really like this roller coaster of emotions she's on and I just want to tell him that I want both of them to be happy and how hard it is for me to come home and see her like this.

Day 19: Nicknames you have; why do you have them?

The only stable nickname I have is a shorter version of my real name...I'm assuming people use this because there's less syllables.

Day 18

Day 18: Plans/Dreams/Goals you have.

In January, I want to go back to school. After this paycheck, I'm going to start saving for school and when I'm done saving for school, I'm going to save whatever I can for an apartment with Ian.

I want to bring up my GPA and go to a good school and not just settle for less because I've been doing that my entire life and I deserve to go to a good school and get good grades because I know I'm capable of doing that.

I want to get a teaching job, have a stable income, continue living with Ian and eventually get married.

Honestly, I'll be happy just as long as I get out of this house.

Day 17

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Probably Ian. I'd just like to see what it's like to be him and act like him. I never know what he's thinking or feeling unless I ask and I've just always been interested in how men think and act.

Day 16 (since it's after midnight)

Day 16: Another picture of yourself.

You can totally tell that I'm just trying to get this "day ____" thing over with and it's because I found a better one to do but I don't wanna give up on this one.

Had a good day today. Back to work tomorrow. I had five days off in a row and if I wasn't dirt poor, I probably would have gone on a trip or something. It was pretty relaxing but I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I have to work at 10 tomorrow, which is going to be really hard for me to do since I've been going to bed later than usual but thankfully, it's a short shift and for my longer one (Sunday I work 9 hours...ew..), Ian will be there to make sure I go to bed at a proper time. Who wants to work on a Sunday? It's supposed to be the day of rest!

I've started writing a book. I have plenty of ideas for other books but I want to finish this one first. I don't want to publish it. I just want to be able to read it to my kids before they go to bed each night and eventually have them read it their kids.

Day 15

Day 15: Put your iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.

1. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple

2. Whatsername - Green Day

3. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

4. 21 things I want in a lover - Alanis Morissette

5. Motown Philly - Boys 2 Men

6. To Sir, With Love - Glee Cast

7. Beautiful Love - The Afters

8. Billy Brown - MIKA

9. You Really Got a Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson

10. Friend Like Me - Aladdin

What do you do when you're with someone you think you're madly in love with and you can feel them slipping away?

Day 14

Day 14: A picture of you and your family.

One day. Hopefully. He's the closest thing I have to a family, anyway. Even though we run into our occasional problems, Ian is probably the most understanding person I know. He's a man of few words - most of them are. But he's always there when I need him.

I think that's what family is.

Day 13

Day 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

You're selfish and insensitive. That's all I really feel right now. Have fun with that.

Day 12 and tough weekend

Day twelve: How you found out about Blogger and why you made one.

I feel like I already answered this one. Anyways, I've known about the website for years. Someone I knew at the time had one. I made this more recent one because I wanted to write about my life and the different restaurants Ian and I visit.

It was a rough weekend, to say the least. A lot of crying. And I wasn't PMSing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I want too much or if I'm right for feeling the way I did. I guess I just feel like I don't mean anything. Like, my existence in his life wouldn't make much of a difference. He says that's not true and I guess that's all I can go on. I envy girls who wake up to emails from their boyfriends talking about how much they mean to them or just a simple "I miss you." Little things like that don't exist in our relationship anymore.

When we first started dating, Ian had all of these different things to say about us being together or about me. And I only remember this because I wrote them down in an old journal that I ended up burning because I got tired of my mom going through my stuff. And now it seems that since we've been together for over a year, there's no need to say such nice things anymore. The only time he tells me he misses me is after I've told him I miss him first. Sure, he checks up on me during the day and sends me facebook and text messages but I guess I just miss the things he used to say. He's so comfortable that I guess saying those types of things doesn't matter anymore.

I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and I know that I drive him nuts and I also know that I'm only hurting both of us when I become a tyrant for the day. But at the same time, am I supposed to accept that this is what our life together will be or should I say something and try to fix things before we both end up just being the type of couple that's together because they feel like they can't do any better? That's the last thing I want. I want us to be together because we're in love and because we both want the same things in life, NOT because we're too lazy to look for new partners or because we're settling for one another. I want the real deal and I'm beginning to wonder if that's what he wants anymore.

The only reason why I end up throwing fits like the two I threw this weekend is because his emotions are unreadable. I look at him and I can never tell what he's thinking and it drives me up the wall. What's funny is that I used to KNOW that he loved me unconditionally and I used to KNOW that he missed me and now I'm always second guessing everything. It's best not to think about it because I just get upset all over again (it's happening as I sit here typing). Relationships are so difficult. I guess what also hurt and kept me up crying even longer than I should have was that I laid there in bed, pouring my heart out, telling him how often I think of him, how much he means to me, and he was just so tired...I don't think he even remembers what I said.

I always miss him when he's not with me. I always wonder what he's doing. He's the most important person in my life. I would do anything for him. I think of him when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. And I doubt that he feels the same way I do. I know he loves me but I also know that he has so much other stuff going on that I'm not always on his priority list and I get that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm accepting behavior that should only be acceptable when we're an older couple. Not when we're both in our twenties, dating for just over a year.

I know that men have difficulty expressing how they feel. And I also know that sometimes when he looks at me, I can just tell that he loves and cares for me a lot. I guess I just need to hear it...because that's how stubborn I am.

A big part of why I don't want us to break up is because...I know what my life was like before he was in it and it just wasn't great. And I've never been with anyone who was as understanding as Ian is or could make me laugh the way he does. His hand is always there to hold mine. And I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him. What really keeps me going is knowing that there are so many people out there who truly have difficult and challenging relationships and marriages...We don't have it so bad. I just constantly need drama in my life.

Over the past year, Ian has become my best friend. I confide in him and I trust him. And even if I'm right (I'm not) and he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him, he's gonna be stuck with me until he decides enough is enough or until I do something really idiotic.

Day 11

Day Eleven: Another picture of you and your friends

I love this picture, even though I look terrible. We were burning issues of our school newspaper. It was a "We're done with the paper" party. Some of the pages actually turned green when they fell into the...bbq. I forgot what we were all laughing at but I'm sure it was pretty funny.

Day 10

Day ten: Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

I don't have particular songs I listen to when I'm in those moods but I do have particular bands and artists I listen to.

When I'm mad, I listen to Regina Spektor and Green Day. I also listen to the soundtrack to Garden State.

When I'm sad, I listen to theater music. I.e. Hairspray, Grease, Jersey Boys, Wicked, etc.

When I'm bored, I don't listen to music. I go do stuff.

When I'm hyped, I listen to dance music.

When I'm happy, I listen to EVERYTHING.

Day 9

Day nine: Something you're proud of in the past few days.

I'm proud of the fact that we just made our one year anniversary. I've never been in this long of a stable relationship. I dated someone off and on for four years and we never celebrated an anniversary. Not one. That had a lot to do with the fact that we spent more time arguing and less time being happy.

Ian and I have been through a lot I guess. I'm really happy with him and I'm glad that we had a good anniversary. He took me to the Garfield Conservatory. We went to dinner later. I wore a dress - this never happens, by the way. I had scallops for the first time. Ian would not let me bring my camera with to the restaurant because he said "it's not THAT kind of restaurant." Whatever that means. I should have brought it because I had one of the most amazing meals of my life, thanks to him. And I wish I had the photos to prove it. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Apparently, I don't take enough "initiative." I had to ask about my progress to get an actual answer so tomorrow I'm going to take as much initiative as possible. It's difficult to do it on your own when there are almost always people shadowing you and talking over you. It's also difficult when you walk into the store, you clock in and you are IMMEDIATELY given jobs to do. Maybe...give me a second to do it myself. There are a lot of things wrong with the way the people in this store do things.

One day I'll write a book. I'll probably start it now just so everything's fresh in my memory. I don't want to get into it too much on here and there's a lot that I don't tell Ian because I know he's getting tired of me complaining - I'm getting tired of me complaining too but what can you do? Back to the grind tomorrow.

Day 8

Day eight: Short term goals for this month and why.

• Continue doing well at work (short term and long term I suppose) - because I want to keep this job for a very, very, very, very long time.
• Continue making time for Miguel - because he's my best friend and I do love him.
  
• Stop taking Ian for granted and stop thinking so many bad things just because there are a few bad days - because otherwise I will lose him to someone else or he will just finally reach his breaking point with me and decide he's better off alone. I do love you more than anything and I know that you love me just as much, if not more.
• Visit Lety - she's my cousin and she's pretty much the only family member I have that I can REALLY talk to. She's never judged me and she's really easy to get along with. I always confided in her as a teenager and I find myself talking to her about my family and getting move in/relationship advice from her.
• Finish my Roseanne/The Nanny youtube marathon - I can do it. I've done it before. Currently on Season 3 of Roseanne but I just started watching Full House today so I may drop The Nanny for that show. They're all cheesy and stupid but so am I.
• Visit a few of these hot dog places that Ian and I both want to go to - because while I had no income and no job, we both sent each other links to food places and now I finally have the money to take him to them.
• Speaking of food - Start writing about food in my...food blog - because that's why I made this stupid thing anyways. So here goes:

HOUSE OF SUSHI AND NOODLES

1610 W. Belmont Ave.

Chicago, IL.

I've never REALLY had sushi before. Occasionally, my mother would bring home terrible sushi from Jewel and I'd usually spit it out. One time, my friend made sushi from home and made me try it and I liked it...but this place took me for a big surprise. If you live in Chicago, you may be familiar with a huge intersection at Belmont, Ashland and Lincoln? (I think..) There is a small corridor with a big yellow sign that says "House of Sushi and Noodles." Upon entering, the restaurant honestly looks like a piece of crap if you're not into that 'home-y' feeling that many old school restaurants still share today. It smells weird too. It may be mold, it may be the fish. It might just be some of the douche bags that venture into the restaurant itself who MAY have spent the entire day drinking or at a Cubs game and decided "I want to go to the sushi buffet at House of sushi and noodles."

But when taken to our table, I found that the restaurant went very far back and the owners have found a way to mix their old school Japanese decor with new school interior decorating. The food was just....amazing. We got a number of different rolls and decided to go with the buffet. It's $15.95, you have to order two different types of rolls and you have to finish everything off of your plate before you leave or else they charge you (supposedly). I went on yelp and apparently, this doesn't sit well with a lot of people. It might be my connection to the Asian stingy culture or just the fact that I respect all restaurant establishments but I didn't think this was a big deal. Seriously. You are getting some mind blowing sushi, all you can eat, high quality and good service for the low price of $15.95. Don't complain.

Among the two or three rounds of buffet that Ian and I went through we ordered the following rolls:

Chicago Crazy Maki - Tuna, yellow tail, salmon, crab with lettuce, masago, cucumber. Wasn't too fond of this one but it was one of the first times I've ever had RAW fish so I'm willing to give it another shot. I will admit that the fish was VERY fresh, very easy to chew, not too strong of an odor or flavor.

Spider Maki - Soft shell crab tempura with avocado, cucumber, masago and mayo. I did enjoy this one a lot. I've never had soft shell crab before and if you haven't either, I STRONGLY recommend it. The flavor of the soft shell crab with the different veggies is something I can't really describe.

Godzilla Maki - Shrimp tempura, cream cheese (it's not as odd as it sounds), avocado, green onion, masago with spicy sauce, crunch batter. Basically, the shrimp tempura is the best thing ever invented. I don't know what it is about having it wrap around the sea weed, but it really just makes you feel like you are eating fried healthy food (if that makes ANY sense). It's the best of both worlds - you can eat something that's breaded and juicy and deliciously healthy all at the same time. I didn't care for the spicy sauce but that's because I can't handle anything spicy unless hot cheetos are involved.

Florida Maki - Smoked salmon, crab, masago, crunch batter, avocado and cucumber. This was the final roll that I ordered and I couldn't finish it because I was so full and I'll explain why in the next paragraph but let me tell you something, the combination of the smoked salmon, crab and masago was like this sweet explosion in your mouth (gross). I loved it but not as much as I loved...

Miami Maki - Deep fried with tempura batter, shrimp, crab, cream cheese, cucumber and masago. Okay........I liked this one so much that I ordered it twice so I practically ate like 8 to 10 pieces of it within an hour. This maki fucking (excuse my language) rocked my face, as I said that night. Each time I ate it, and Ian will attest to this, I banged my fist on the table because it was just so amazing. I loved the tempura batter. I probably would've really enjoyed the Godzilla Maki if the spicy stuff wasn't in it (it wasn't even that spicy, I just don't like the stuff) because they were very similar in taste. The Florida Maki was interesting because of the smoked salmon but the Miami Maki is THE perfect sushi.

I definitely plan on going back again and I think Ian wants to go there for his birthday, which is at the end of this month. I'm really glad that I found the place and that we were finally able to go.

Our anniversary is on Friday, the 6th. Official one year anniversary. He has stuff planned, I don't know what but I'm leaving it in his hands and I'm excited about whatever he's gonna do because neither of us really likes planning things or deciding on what to do. On a lighter note, I'm kind of sick. My body does feel off but earlier I was a complete wreck. Temperature of 101.2, I vomited - which I haven't done in a long time at least not the way I did tonight. I know that that's gross but it's a blog. Give me a break. I stayed in bed the majority of the day, fell asleep for two hours. I'm going to have more soup before I go to bed and might even take a bath.

Day 7

Day seven: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

There are some days when I feel like strangling him or throwing in the towel but most days, I can't imagine what my life would be without him. I don't always know what he's thinking or how he's feeling and then I convince myself that he isn't thinking or feeling anything for me and I get upset. But I love him. I've never met anyone like him...sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. I think of him right before I make any kind of decision. I don't know where I stand with him but he's the most important person in my life. I know that no man/woman/relationship is perfect so I try to take as much as I can with a grain of salt. I worry that one day, I may walk away because of my tendency to screw things up but I do love him with everything I am and everything I have.

Day 6

Day six: Your favorite superhero and why.

Fantastic Four, because they have awesome powers and work as a team always (most of the time). I really like Mark Millar's version of Fantastic Four.

To be honest, I don't really like Batman all that much because my graphic novels teacher forced the comics down my throat and by the end of the semester, I was just kind of like "I HATE BATMAN!!!" I developed a love for the joker and the other villains that we came across in reading different Batman comics.

When I came across Fantastic Four, I actually went out and bought the other issues because I loved the story line, I thought the art was pretty awesome and I loved the main idea of the issues that we were asked to read.

I don't think Scott Pilgrim counts as a superhero since he's kind of an ass but if he was a choice, I would pick him. I can't wait until the movie comes out. I've been looking forward to it for like a year. The books are excellent. Definitely recommend them.

tears over constantly being left out.

My entire life, I've suffered with the obsession of being included on things. When I got left out of things my friends were doing, I got upset. When my parents went to adult only things, I got upset. In recent years, my family has decided to cut me out but on a much larger scale than what I was just talking about.

When I die, I will be remembered as the cold one. My family has this mentality about me and my behavior that I've no desire to change. They don't care if I'm left out of anything...but if my mom is left out, it's the end of the world. They make sure to include her in everything and that's fine but I have to ask - what about me?

And of course, my mother does not stop and think about how this makes me feel and she goes and invites me all by herself. They don't tell her "tell Vicki." I don't know if it's because I am growing older, because I am in a serious relationship or because they have this idea of who I am but don't REALLY know me.

I have to admit that when I hit my teenage years, I changed a lot. I was moody, angry, mean, quiet, bossy (more bossy than usual), over opinionated and most of all "cold."

I'm not like that anymore and EVERYONE goes through that awkward teenage phase...where they feel like all of their problems are because of everybody else. I take full responsibility for my actions and I always put other people before myself. I wish my friends could submit testimonies to my family, to prove that I'm a good person with good morals and I respect everyone, even after I've been disrespected.

Sometimes I hope that they get a small grasp of who I really am when they see Ian and I together but I know the only thing that would shake their negative view on me is if he talked to them, which he will never do (but it would be appreciated if you did do that at some point with some of them you feel less awkward around). They like him and they ask me where he is when I go somewhere without him.

I wish they could know how warm I am and how badly I want to be accepted but I don't know how and I don't feel it's even worth bringing up or arguing over.

I am not the person they think I am and that's all I want them to know. Maybe I just need to try harder and maybe I just need to talk more, even if it's about something I don't know anything about. Ask more questions, laugh at more jokes, stop being so afraid of getting judged by them.

I just want them to like me.

I want acceptance.

I know that they care about my mother. I care about her too. But why can't we all just care for each other and let that be known instead of letting people stick out like sore fucking thumbs?

I want to have a place of my own somewhere within this family...because they're all I got. And even if they don't like me, that doesn't mean that I don't like or love them because I do and I would do anything for them. I really would. I love all of them so much. They don't know. No one knows. I will forever be grateful for the kindness they showed my mother and I after my dad died. I love them.

I just want that love in return.

Day 5

Day Five: A picture of somewhere you've been to.

I miss New York. I first went there in 2008 and again in 2009. The first time I visited, I was on the Staten Island Ferry the night before we had to leave and I just started to cry because I really didn't want to leave. My teacher is from New York so those two times I did visit, he was with us and showed us a bunch of different parts of the city but we didn't really get to look around that much. I want to go back in October or November; I'd like to see New York in the fall. My plan is to visit there at least once every year. I don't think I could ever get sick of it. I'd like to visit some libraries, some museums, go to the Central Park zoo, see other parts of New York besides Times Square. I really want to go to China Town during the day.

Day 4

Day Four: A habit that you wish you didn't have.

I always need to find something negative out of each day. It's as if I'm expecting something bad to happen.

Oops. Day 3.

Day Three: A picture of you and your friends.

Me and Juan. My best friend in the whole world. I love you buddy. Thanks for always having my back.

scrapbooking

It's not as creepy or as sad as it sounds. I started making "photo journals" when I was 14. My cousin Lety makes really amazing scrapbooks and I always envied her for having the time to make them but about a year ago, I went with her to a scrap booking store and afterwards she set aside how she was going to organize everything. It's really not that difficult.

So I'm going to start doing it. I've made one and it was for my dad. I'd like to start making them for myself just to have memories of what I did with friends, Molly getting bigger, my growing family and my relationship with Ian.

Whenever we move in, I do know that I want lots of photos up around the apartment which won't be difficult since I usually bring my camera with whenever we go somewhere and it would be cool to start putting together a scrap book just of our first year together and all of the things we've done so far.

Hopefully, in the near future, I will be able to buy a new lens and then I'll be taking A LOT more photos. Working with a semi-broken lens is a big hassle and I've been needing a new one for almost a year. I think I'm going to start working on scrapbooks within the next couple months, providing I have the time and money.

Day 2

Day two: The meaning behind your blogspot name.

I'm from Seoul. I like food.

Mixed the two together. The numbers are my birthday.

Bad day today. I cried. I took it out on Ian. I feel better but still not...all there.

When you don't use any kind of positive reinforcement on someone who has done the work that two to three people should be doing, for three days straight, it can weigh you down.

Things will get better. I just hope that day comes soon. I'm still thankful that I have a job and I intend to keep it for a long time.

Day 1

Day one: A recent picture of you and five interesting facts about yourself.

1. I am rarely ever 100% happy so when I am, I either talk a lot or don't talk much at all. Then people think I'm mad.

2. Sometimes I get goosebumps when we kiss.

3. I will do anything for my friends. Even if they sometimes drive me crazy.

4. I never clean my room. Because I don't feel like it.

5. There are a bunch of books in my room that I have never read. I bought them and just never got around to reading them.