I feel like I already answered this one. Anyways, I've known about the website for years. Someone I knew at the time had one. I made this more recent one because I wanted to write about my life and the different restaurants Ian and I visit.
It was a rough weekend, to say the least. A lot of crying. And I wasn't PMSing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I want too much or if I'm right for feeling the way I did. I guess I just feel like I don't mean anything. Like, my existence in his life wouldn't make much of a difference. He says that's not true and I guess that's all I can go on. I envy girls who wake up to emails from their boyfriends talking about how much they mean to them or just a simple "I miss you." Little things like that don't exist in our relationship anymore.
When we first started dating, Ian had all of these different things to say about us being together or about me. And I only remember this because I wrote them down in an old journal that I ended up burning because I got tired of my mom going through my stuff. And now it seems that since we've been together for over a year, there's no need to say such nice things anymore. The only time he tells me he misses me is after I've told him I miss him first. Sure, he checks up on me during the day and sends me facebook and text messages but I guess I just miss the things he used to say. He's so comfortable that I guess saying those types of things doesn't matter anymore.
I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and I know that I drive him nuts and I also know that I'm only hurting both of us when I become a tyrant for the day. But at the same time, am I supposed to accept that this is what our life together will be or should I say something and try to fix things before we both end up just being the type of couple that's together because they feel like they can't do any better? That's the last thing I want. I want us to be together because we're in love and because we both want the same things in life, NOT because we're too lazy to look for new partners or because we're settling for one another. I want the real deal and I'm beginning to wonder if that's what he wants anymore.
The only reason why I end up throwing fits like the two I threw this weekend is because his emotions are unreadable. I look at him and I can never tell what he's thinking and it drives me up the wall. What's funny is that I used to KNOW that he loved me unconditionally and I used to KNOW that he missed me and now I'm always second guessing everything. It's best not to think about it because I just get upset all over again (it's happening as I sit here typing). Relationships are so difficult. I guess what also hurt and kept me up crying even longer than I should have was that I laid there in bed, pouring my heart out, telling him how often I think of him, how much he means to me, and he was just so tired...I don't think he even remembers what I said.
I always miss him when he's not with me. I always wonder what he's doing. He's the most important person in my life. I would do anything for him. I think of him when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. And I doubt that he feels the same way I do. I know he loves me but I also know that he has so much other stuff going on that I'm not always on his priority list and I get that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm accepting behavior that should only be acceptable when we're an older couple. Not when we're both in our twenties, dating for just over a year.
I know that men have difficulty expressing how they feel. And I also know that sometimes when he looks at me, I can just tell that he loves and cares for me a lot. I guess I just need to hear it...because that's how stubborn I am.
A big part of why I don't want us to break up is because...I know what my life was like before he was in it and it just wasn't great. And I've never been with anyone who was as understanding as Ian is or could make me laugh the way he does. His hand is always there to hold mine. And I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him. What really keeps me going is knowing that there are so many people out there who truly have difficult and challenging relationships and marriages...We don't have it so bad. I just constantly need drama in my life.
Over the past year, Ian has become my best friend. I confide in him and I trust him. And even if I'm right (I'm not) and he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him, he's gonna be stuck with me until he decides enough is enough or until I do something really idiotic.
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