Day 27

Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Well, I've never done anything like this before and I see a lot of people participating in these things on their blogs so I thought I'd give it a shot. Since I started, I've found other challenges that are shorter and have more in-depth questions so I'll be starting one of those as soon as I'm done with this one.

I'm constantly wondering what is right and what is wrong. As an adult, I am faced with so many obstacles each day and there are times when I wish I could be 5 again. My biggest problem at that age was trying not to fall off of my bike. And it seemed like...even though I knew the possibility of falling was always going to be there, it just didn't matter. It didn't stop me. As grown ups, we are constantly frozen in fear. There are so many things I want to do with my life and at the same time, there are so many things I'm afraid of doing.

I'm afraid of taking chances. I'm terrified that when I am finally done with college, I won't find a teaching job.

I'm afraid of leaving Ian even though I get so damn mad at him sometimes. I don't know anybody who's in a long-term relationship (who I can actually trust) so I can't tell if the problems we run into are normal couple bumps in the road or if we should just break up. So then there are days, like yesterday, when I want to call it off because I seriously don't know what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I feel like a lot of what we used to have is draining out of our relationship and I don't want us to be one of those couples that stays together for no reason at all. I don't want to look back 10 or 15 years from now and not even know why we're still together. We went to this hot dog place last week and this older couple runs and owns it. Before the husband went and did his deliveries, he kissed and hugged his wife. Even after all of these years, they still love each other and can still show each other that affection. Things between us are changing. And I'm changing too but Ian is still the same. I know that when things like this happen, you can either go along with the change or you get left behind. I don't want him to get left behind and I don't want him to just be...some chapter in my life. I'm in this for the long run and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together and have kids to yell at. But I do know that I also cannot spend the rest of my life with someone who has the mentality of a teenage boy, at times.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.