We don't really get along. We've been arguing ever since I learned how to talk. There are days when I don't like her and I'm sure there are days when she doesn't like me.
We have never and never will have that bond between mother and daughter. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I was adopted or because instead of showering me with love, she often showered me with gifts and food.
My dad and I were always very close because he just let me be. My mom has constantly been the one to push me down then wonder why I don't get back up immediately. She's always tried to force a friendship between us. So many times in fact, that I can't even remember how often I've told her "I don't want you to be my friend. I want you to be my mother." I think that she probably dreamed of having this perfect daughter who would talk to her about everything and anything and instead she got this rebellious, stubborn, brutally honest child who was anything but perfect.
My mom fails to remember the times she pretended to call the police or even worse - the adoption agency. That's right. My mom used to pretend to call the adoption agency to take me back and get a refund. I don't have enough imagination to make things like this up.
My dad hit me a few times as a kid and I remember most of the instances. The one time I actually bled, I can't remember because I was so young.
Instead of being brought up in a home filled with love and laughter, I was brought up in a home where fights occurred on a weekly basis between either the two parents or one of the parents and the child. I was brought up in a home that had more hospital visits than it did embraces. There were good times as well. We traveled a lot. My dad got information out of me that he'd later tell my mom, I'm sure.
Unfortunately, when I turned 15, my mother had watched her fair share of Ricky Lake and Maury and was convinced that I was on drugs. I came home one evening to find my room a complete wreck because she decided to look for these drugs that I didn't have or do. I always openly told her that I'd take a drug test whenever she wanted but instead, she humiliated me by turning my mattress over, pulling all of my books and movies off of my book case and emptied all of the clothes out of my dresser drawer. And of course when she found nothing, I was responsible for cleaning up the mess she made.
There's other things that occurred that I won't get into but the thing that brought this blog on was the constant...good relationship I see Ian has with his mom. Let me preface this by saying that I'm 90% happy with what we have and that we didn't get into a fight. These are just my thoughts and feelings.
There are definitely times when I am envious of Ian's mom because he's never afraid of showing her affection even though he's 24. I once saw them walk together holding hands. She's so proud of him and he's so proud of her. What about me? There are times when we'll be in a crowded room, he'll be sitting right next to me and he won't touch me or kiss me and it makes me feel like he just doesn't want to be around me. Even though this is a stupid thought, it's a thought none the less. I know that in reality, he just isn't paying attention or is tired but yeah.
I think the thing that really gets under my skin is how he always goes to bat for her, and who wouldn't? I always tell him that I wish I had a role model like that in my life. I don't know about everything that's happened in her life but I know a good chunk of it and this woman is the ultimate trooper. I'm waiting for the day when one of his friends will say, "your girlfriend is a bitch." and Ian decides that he doesn't want to be friends with that person anymore. Instead, I'm sure the conversation is more like "your girlfriend is too dramatic." and he says "yeah, she is." And he continues talking to the people who don't respect what we have and don't understand what we're like when we're alone. What's more is that he doesn't even try to get his friends to understand that I'm NOT a huge C U Next Tuesday every day of the week and that I'm not as mean as he portrays me to be, after a day of fighting. He doesn't try to explain that every so often I pour my heart out to him or that he spent X amount of time playing video games/writing while I sat there (this hasn't happened in a long time but I'm just using it as an example).
My friends always tell me that eventually the person you're with has to come before everyone and everything else up until the point you have a child together. Even then, your kid and your partner are going to come first. I don't know when that time will come but I know that I'm wasting my time waiting for it to happen. I know that I'm not Ian's top priority even though he's mine. I know that I come in 2nd or 3rd and that's okay. For now. But when we live together, I don't know if that'll be okay. And if we ever get engaged or married, I don't THINK that'll be okay. I can only hope that one day, it'll just happen but I can't force that and I don't want to. I don't want to be with him for years and he ends up resenting me for having to grow up so fast, so soon. I want him to want to make those kinds of changes when the time is right. And that, I am willing to wait around for.
Things between us aren't bad...at all. Sometimes I say too much and so does he and sometimes neither of us says enough. I'll never know what he says about me to others but I do know that whenever I tell anyone that we got into a spat, I tell the whole story...because I'm not perfect - but neither is he. There are times when both of us will laugh hysterically at the dumbest stuff or talk about things we've already discussed but it'll feel like it's the first time pulling up the memory of when this or that happened.
I don't always go to bed wondering if he's ashamed of me or if he's really in it for the long haul but there are some nights when I have doubts about his commitment to me and his commitment to our relationship. And there are even some nights when I have doubts about my own commitment to him and our relationship...but this has only occurred after a big fight. I'm happy with him but I don't always feel that he's happy.
I told him a few days ago that sometimes I feel as though he's just along for the ride and that when it comes to me being a part of his life...well he could either take it or leave it. He said that that's not true and I have to accept that. Unfortunately, he can't see why I feel this way.
I think what annoys me is when we spend a combined total of about $130 on groceries...and he lets his mom show up a few days later with more food. It made me not want to go shopping with him anymore because I just felt like "well we both wasted a lot of money" and every time she brings groceries, I just get these visions of her coming to our apartment next year with 6 bars of chocolate for him and other overly priced products from Whole Foods. This will NEVER happen but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. What also makes me feel like shit is that the food we bought. together. only gets eaten when I'm there. He doesn't eat any of the food we bought. together. He only eats what his mom buys him. It really bothers me and I haven't mentioned it because we don't need to fight about it. Me saying how I feel directly to him (whenever his mom is involved) gets me nowhere. We just end up arguing. He defends his mom's actions or his own justifications and I cry because I feel completely misunderstood or like I'm fighting a battle I'll never, ever win.
Now you might say, "you're being silly" and it's true - I am. But when you combine these small things with a bunch of other small things...it becomes really exhausting. What's exhausting? Not knowing how to solve these small problems and feeling completely helpless in your own situation.
Usually, when I try to bring up our small problems, I get a head shake and a big sigh. I may be over dramatic but I fight for everything. Eventually, there isn't going to be a fight left in me...then what do we do?
There's this relationship quote that's been going around for a few years and if I didn't know any better, I'd say I could've written it myself.
"Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore...and then be fought for."
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