tears over constantly being left out.

My entire life, I've suffered with the obsession of being included on things. When I got left out of things my friends were doing, I got upset. When my parents went to adult only things, I got upset. In recent years, my family has decided to cut me out but on a much larger scale than what I was just talking about.

When I die, I will be remembered as the cold one. My family has this mentality about me and my behavior that I've no desire to change. They don't care if I'm left out of anything...but if my mom is left out, it's the end of the world. They make sure to include her in everything and that's fine but I have to ask - what about me?

And of course, my mother does not stop and think about how this makes me feel and she goes and invites me all by herself. They don't tell her "tell Vicki." I don't know if it's because I am growing older, because I am in a serious relationship or because they have this idea of who I am but don't REALLY know me.

I have to admit that when I hit my teenage years, I changed a lot. I was moody, angry, mean, quiet, bossy (more bossy than usual), over opinionated and most of all "cold."

I'm not like that anymore and EVERYONE goes through that awkward teenage phase...where they feel like all of their problems are because of everybody else. I take full responsibility for my actions and I always put other people before myself. I wish my friends could submit testimonies to my family, to prove that I'm a good person with good morals and I respect everyone, even after I've been disrespected.

Sometimes I hope that they get a small grasp of who I really am when they see Ian and I together but I know the only thing that would shake their negative view on me is if he talked to them, which he will never do (but it would be appreciated if you did do that at some point with some of them you feel less awkward around). They like him and they ask me where he is when I go somewhere without him.

I wish they could know how warm I am and how badly I want to be accepted but I don't know how and I don't feel it's even worth bringing up or arguing over.

I am not the person they think I am and that's all I want them to know. Maybe I just need to try harder and maybe I just need to talk more, even if it's about something I don't know anything about. Ask more questions, laugh at more jokes, stop being so afraid of getting judged by them.

I just want them to like me.

I want acceptance.

I know that they care about my mother. I care about her too. But why can't we all just care for each other and let that be known instead of letting people stick out like sore fucking thumbs?

I want to have a place of my own somewhere within this family...because they're all I got. And even if they don't like me, that doesn't mean that I don't like or love them because I do and I would do anything for them. I really would. I love all of them so much. They don't know. No one knows. I will forever be grateful for the kindness they showed my mother and I after my dad died. I love them.

I just want that love in return.