I always feel like it's this never ending struggle to get Ian to talk to me like a normal person. I see him do it with his mom and I even see him do it with other people. I don't know what's happened to our relationship but over time it's like he's been afraid to be more open with me, afraid that if he disagrees with me or tells me "no we can't afford to do that" or "this is what I want to do but we'll see if there's time for what you want to do" that I will flip out or something. But I never have a problem with being open with him and telling him "I think we should do this" or "I like this"

I love being with him but there isn't anything that I can do about this and I've been struggling with it for a long time. I want to stay in this relationship but at the same time, it's hard to call it a relationship when he doesn't talk to me and doesn't feel it necessary to be open with me. I don't understand it and it makes me feel like a monster.

I'm fairly certain that when this lease is up, I am going to be moving back into my mom's house or into a studio apartment. The latter is unlikely because I've never owned a credit card. I could always stay with my mom, build up the credit and then move out into something of my own.
A lot of the time, I feel like I am living with a stranger. I get lied to or I don't get to know about certain things. Why - I will never know. And honestly, at this juncture, I don't care anymore.
I never lied to you and I never kept anything from you, yet you continue to do so. Imagine how difficult it's been to live with someone like that and to be with someone like that for this amount of time. Anyone would go crazy.

Without the internet

It's scary to think about what our world would be like without the freedom of internet. I feel that a lot of people will be out of work while others will be effected because of the online leisure they've created for themselves.
I use YouTube a lot, I take to my twitter, facebook and blogger accounts to complain about life, check on my friends, read about people's lives. I feel that too few people really know what is at stake here.
As a U.S. citizen and as a college journalist, I know how important freedom of speech is.
Taking away our rights to the internet are just as bad as taking away our freedom of speech.
Whoever wrote up this bill is an idiot...

Emotionally, I am a very lonely person. I'm in this place where I don't even want to bother saying anything anymore. I have said so much, said the same things time and time again and I've gotten absolutely nowhere.
...Why am I still here...

50 Books in 365 Days

I've started the 50/365 project. I don't believe in making new year's resolutions because they never seem to work out but if I did believe in them, I guess mine would be that I'd like to read more.
So the way to work on this is by starting the 50 books in 365 days project. I'm starting with a book Juan bought me for Christmas - The Pinkerton Diaries by Rivers Cuomo (Weezer's lead singer).
It's an easy book to read, mostly because it's a collection of essays, songs and journal entries he wrote from 1994-97. The problem I'm having is that I grow very tired of the way he writes, very quickly. So I'll read a few pages an then I just get to a point where I don't want to read what he's written anymore.
He is either complaining about something or talking about a book or subject for school in which I have no idea what he's discussing.
So because of this, I started reading one of the other books on my list which was James Franco's Palo Alto. Yes, it's the actor who was in Spiderman and is infamous for being a pot head.
I have found that this book is very easy for me to read - mostly because James Franco is not a good writer. What I meant to say is that you can tell that he didn't feel the need to grab a thesaurus to impress anyone. They're all short fictional stories told by him. I like it.
There are a lot of classics on my list, most of which I'm going to pick up today. Somehow I have to ease into the classics because it'll take time for me to get used to the different types of writing and the vocabulary..which brings me to my next point.
The whole reason why I decided to do this was because I have a lot of friends who constantly make me feel stupid - not on purpose, of course. They all have very wide vocabularies and these same individuals happen to read...A LOT. I will be keeping a dictionary with me in case there are any words I don't understand....so I'm really hoping that this will improve my reading and writing skills and the ability to use big words without feeling stupid.

Do you ever feel like the longer you stay in a bad situation, the worse it gets?
I'm at that point. I've run out of reasons for why I should stay in this relationship. I can't sleep because all I do is dream about Ian cheating on me. There's no reason for it but the dreams are as real as can be and I wake up startled and in tears.
I loved Ian but I've kind of reached a fork in the road where I feel like it's not enough to love someone, especially when you have so many problems that the other person doesn't think needs fixing.
I keep thinking about all of the mistakes he's made. I did the same thing whenever things went south in my other relationships as well. I think about all of the bad stuff and then I can't remember why I still put up with it. All I can think about is how disappointed I was when certain events took place. I try to figure out what I did to these men to deserve being cheated on or to deserve to be the butt of someone's joke. Or the countless times that Ian has chosen to misrepresent me and our relationship. There was good stuff here. But Ian made it so imperative to tell people how bad our relationship was, that I've now lost whatever good memories we had. And anything that I can remember can't measure up with the loss I've experienced in this relationship.
I never and still don't understand how you can say you love someone but then go and do bad things to them. How you can be so stupid to think that you're not really doing any harm, so long as your partner doesn't know about it.
Throughout the past few years, every decision I've made has involved Ian in one way or another. I've always included him in my life and I've always tried to do the best for both of us. For Ian, he has spent the majority of his life doing nothing but for himself while I spent the majority of my life caring for other people, making sure everyone had what they needed, focusing on certain individuals and doing whatever I could to help them. Ian just thinks about Ian...what Ian has to write...what Ian has to do...what Ian has to eat...what bill Ian needs to pay. There is no us in Ian's head. There's him and then there's me.
While in my mind, "how are WE going to do this that day" or "when should WE go here" "what are WE going to do about this situation"
When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to trust the person more and more over time, trust that they'll be there for you, trust that they'll run right to you when you're about to fall. With Ian, I don't think I ever had that trust. I think that instead, with time, he became less trusting with me for some reason. He continues to build this wall up between the two of us that has become impossible for me to break down.
I'm mentally exhausted. I have tried doing this for two and a half years and I'm really just...done. I gave somebody everything that I had and I got absolutely nothing in return. I've wasted the past two years with someone who doesn't care about whether I'm here or not, who has never fully appreciated me and probably never will. I don't understand how there can be so many people in my life who have loved me and still love me...and the one person that I want that from just can't give it to me. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I did. I have to keep reminding myself that I tried my best but I feel like a complete failure. I feel stupid for putting up with this for so long. I feel helpless because this is not a situation in which I can really do anything to make things better.
I can't sit here waiting for the person that I fell in love with because I know he doesn't exist.