Do you ever feel like the longer you stay in a bad situation, the worse it gets?
I'm at that point. I've run out of reasons for why I should stay in this relationship. I can't sleep because all I do is dream about Ian cheating on me. There's no reason for it but the dreams are as real as can be and I wake up startled and in tears.
I loved Ian but I've kind of reached a fork in the road where I feel like it's not enough to love someone, especially when you have so many problems that the other person doesn't think needs fixing.
I keep thinking about all of the mistakes he's made. I did the same thing whenever things went south in my other relationships as well. I think about all of the bad stuff and then I can't remember why I still put up with it. All I can think about is how disappointed I was when certain events took place. I try to figure out what I did to these men to deserve being cheated on or to deserve to be the butt of someone's joke. Or the countless times that Ian has chosen to misrepresent me and our relationship. There was good stuff here. But Ian made it so imperative to tell people how bad our relationship was, that I've now lost whatever good memories we had. And anything that I can remember can't measure up with the loss I've experienced in this relationship.
I never and still don't understand how you can say you love someone but then go and do bad things to them. How you can be so stupid to think that you're not really doing any harm, so long as your partner doesn't know about it.
Throughout the past few years, every decision I've made has involved Ian in one way or another. I've always included him in my life and I've always tried to do the best for both of us. For Ian, he has spent the majority of his life doing nothing but for himself while I spent the majority of my life caring for other people, making sure everyone had what they needed, focusing on certain individuals and doing whatever I could to help them. Ian just thinks about Ian...what Ian has to write...what Ian has to do...what Ian has to eat...what bill Ian needs to pay. There is no us in Ian's head. There's him and then there's me.
While in my mind, "how are WE going to do this that day" or "when should WE go here" "what are WE going to do about this situation"
When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to trust the person more and more over time, trust that they'll be there for you, trust that they'll run right to you when you're about to fall. With Ian, I don't think I ever had that trust. I think that instead, with time, he became less trusting with me for some reason. He continues to build this wall up between the two of us that has become impossible for me to break down.
I'm mentally exhausted. I have tried doing this for two and a half years and I'm really just...done. I gave somebody everything that I had and I got absolutely nothing in return. I've wasted the past two years with someone who doesn't care about whether I'm here or not, who has never fully appreciated me and probably never will. I don't understand how there can be so many people in my life who have loved me and still love me...and the one person that I want that from just can't give it to me. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I did. I have to keep reminding myself that I tried my best but I feel like a complete failure. I feel stupid for putting up with this for so long. I feel helpless because this is not a situation in which I can really do anything to make things better.
I can't sit here waiting for the person that I fell in love with because I know he doesn't exist.