Update on the apartment

So we still have ants...but I'm going to blame the weather for that. I'm willing to deal with three or four here and there and I'm just thankful that for the time being there isn't a huge trail of them anywhere in the apartment. Yet. We have both been extremely poor since the move in because there are so many things we needed to buy to improve our living space. It makes me feel completely useless because I get paid about 1/3 of what Ian does, if that, and if I received more money or had a salary based job like him, I just think our lives would be easier financially.
For a while I was in a really deep funk. I felt like I had nobody to turn to and hadn't seen my friends as often as I would've liked. There are some friends that I haven't seen since I moved out and the only thing I can do is just tell myself not to think about that.
Work occupies a lot of my time and energy. By the end of practically every work day, I have no energy for anything. I'm really starting to hate my job and I think that after Ian and I go to California in June, I will actively search for a new place of employment. I love working with people - I currently work in the retail business as a sales associate at a pet store (we don't sell animals; just treats, accessories, food, things like that). I do not however love getting talked down to. I also don't like going home crying or upset every other day.
Ian says he's there for me but I still have that feeling of emptiness. I feel like I'm alone because he may be there but sometimes you need more from people. You need someone to comfort you and hold you and tell you it's going to be okay even if the problem isn't automatically going to get solved. I feel like our relationship is falling apart because of the move in and he isn't doing anything to really work towards "us."
My friend is coming into town tomorrow and I'm excited to spend some time with him.

So far things have been mighty rocky for both Ian and I.
The apartment was not as clean as I thought it was from the start and I was filled with anxiety and depression for the first two weeks. I was crying pretty much every day or I was angry - any little thing would set me off which told me that I was definitely in a hole of depression. The only thing that helped me climb out of that hole was cleaning.
Unfortunately since I've been cleaning or buying food or cleaning supplies for the apartment, I have done little to no unpacking.
At one point, I almost left and it was a real wake up call for me because I realized that I can't just say "I'm done" anymore. It's just not that simple when you are sharing space with someone else and you have invested all of this time, money, and energy into a relationship and now into an apartment that you kind of hate because the last person or people who lived there were total slobs.
Everyone else likes the apartment a lot and I think that with time, I'll grow to live it as well. It's already starting to grow on me though.
I wish I had a few days off in a row so I could make the time to properly unpack the rest of my belongings and show Ian where his art work and my framed photos should hang so that there's a balance of his things and mine.
Right now my main focus is just getting the apartment cleaned. Ever since we moved in, we've had a minor ant problem but since I overreact to everything, it was a major ant problem in my opinion. What's difficult to understand is the fact that I've lived in a house that was meticulously clean for my entire life.
To go from barely ever seeing bugs, besides a spider or a centipede here or there, to having ants crawling on you and spiders as well...it's just a lot to process and it's gross.
I bought ant traps and made Ian called the landlord about the issue and so far, I've only seen one or two since then. I just knocked on wood so that those words don't bite me in the ass later.
We were also both broke for at least a full week and fortunately, Ian's mother knew about our financial situation and helped us buy groceries and gave Ian small checks to balance things out.
On top of everything else, Ian and I had personal struggles that almost ripped us apart. I feel that with each fight, we both get closer and closer to wanting to permenantly throwing in the towel. And as much as I want him to care more, I can see in his eyes sometimes that he just can't because, like me, he is running out of the strength to care when he has someone yapping at him and nagging him almost all of the time.
Looking back, the situation that almost had me walking, was not as big of a deal but because of how insecure I am, it turned into a huge thing. I wish Ian could coach me into finding more self esteem but most of the time, whenever I try to look nice for him, I feel as though he just turns a blind eye. So most days, I don't put any effort into what I'm wearing, what my hair looks like or what makeup I have on unless I know we're going to be around other people, at some kind of social event or if I have to work with my co-worker who might make comments about my flat hair if it's not blow dried.
I won't talk about what happened between us but I can say that I have more trust issues and I wish someone had trained me about all of these things years ago because now Ian has to pay the price and it's not really fair to him.
I love Ian and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him but it's become difficult for me to see our future clearly when he keeps so much to himself or has secrets or lies about little things. I guess since I am always and always have been 100% honest with him, I expect the same but that doesn't always happen.
I do know that if things continue down this rocky path between the two of us, it's going to be difficult to see it through and I just wis hhe would realize that before we completely demolish our relationship.
Right now we are in desperate need of furniture. After we get a real bed and a dining room table, I'll post pictures of the apartment.

I guess you create your own drama when you use your boyfriend's laptop.
For shame.

Moving Out

Tonight is my last night in this house. I've lived here for the past 15 years. Parts of me are going to miss it dearly and other parts of me won't.

I keep replaying moments in my head - the car washes my dad and I used to dedicate hours on over the summer and how I'd ride my bike in the alley and splash water all over the place, the fights my mom and I used to get into, the time when my mom thought I was a drug addict because she spent too much time watching talk shows and she decided to literally tear my room apart looking for some kind of proof.

I guess part of why I never did drugs was because I was too afraid that she'd catch me and beat the crap out of me. And while I'm thankful for that fear she instilled in me, I hear stories from other people and always wonder what it would be like to experience but the fear holds me back and I land back on my feet and ask myself, "why would you want to go there?"

I love this house. I wish my dad could see me now and shake his head in approval. More than anything, I wish we could just sit outside the way we used to and get his opinion on me moving out and what he thinks of Ian.

I will never get that validation.

Another part of me will miss my mom...and then there is this voice in my head saying "NO. You won't." But I know that I will miss her coming into my room without knocking, I'll miss having to call or text her "I just got out of work. On the Damen bus now."

And again, there is a part of me that will not miss her at all...I will not miss her going through my things determined to find something that will reveal a "bad" side of myself. I won't miss her nagging me about a plate I just ate food off of that had been in my room a whole 15 minutes. I will not miss her secretly feeding my cat Fancy Feast and Nine Lives.

I'm looking forward to cleaning our apartment tomorrow and unpacking all of our things. I'm looking forward to hanging our framed art work and photos.

I know that not every day is going to be good but I also know that as of right now, both of us are in it for the long haul.

WE HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!!!

my hormones lol

This weekend I went to C2E2 again and also had to work..so..it was a very busy weekend.

I picked a very big fight with my boyfriend on Saturday night that I forgot to write about.

I'm going to blame it on my hormones. I remember thinking to myself "I'm overreacting but at the same time, he just makes me so damn mad..."

My hormones are really out of control this month. Every time I run out of my birth control (not just the last week but the last PACK of pills as well), I become this HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE person and Ian gets the brunt of it.

Things got so bad that I walked out of his apartment at 12 in the morning and then stood outside of a closed restaurant crying hysterically on the phone to Juan.

After I called Ian a bunch of bad names and put him through a guilt trip, he finally came outside and made me go back inside and sleep and said I could go home during more reasonable hours if I still wanted to.

I listened to what I was saying to Juan and again part of me said "I'm overreacting" but another part of me said "BUT I'M SO MAD!!"

I blame a lot of our relationship issues on myself and my attitude. If I didn't act so crazy, things probably wouldn't be so bad between us. But at the same time, I know that Ian has to take responsibility for his actions or lack thereof.

I cried in bed for a really long time and just thought about what I had done and felt so ashamed of myself that there was nothing left for me to do but cry. And I cried so hard that I could barely even breath.

By the morning we were able to patch things up. But to be honest, I really don't remember much of what happened because I was so exhausted from working all day, crying and lack of sleep.

So yeah, I basically got no sleep that night and for some reason, Ian felt it necessary to keep me up at 745 a.m. when I decided to go use the bathroom and drink some water. And every time I tried going back to bed that day, he would purposely wake me up and prevent me from sleeping (I'm still trying to figure out why he did that).

Sunday afternoon/evening I was still a wreck on the inside and almost started crying while we were out to dinner because I just began thinking about all of my problems which made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

By 8 p.m. I could barely even walk because I was so tired.

I fell asleep before 11 p.m. and when I woke up it was almost 9.

I'm still recuperating from C2E2, the fight, my hormones and my lack of sleep.

I wish I was not so horrible to my boyfriend every time I get my period. He doesn't deserve it and I don't understand it. But this month was by far the worst for me and I remember the last time I ran out of a packet of pills, I was just as outrageous as I was this weekend.

Since I put myself through a guilt trip about Miguel, I scheduled a sleep over with him for this Tuesday and even sacrificed my normal Wednesdays with Ian to spend the day with Miguel at the aquarium. I know my mom isn't going to like it because it basically means that I will not be home Tuesday - next Monday but at this point, I don't really care since I'm moving out........at some point.

I think we have somewhat hit a wall with the apartment hunting. Ian applied for a place we looked at earlier on but he hasn't heard back from them yet and I'm getting really anxious about it because I just want to get out of here already.

I went to the doctor last week and found out that I still have high blood pressure and the doctor said even though I'm on medication, if it stays high then I have to take another medication that could further prevent me from having children. Even though I've pretty much decided that I don't want to physically give birth to a child because I know how difficult it would be for me and how many health risks are involved, I still want to have kids. Even if it means going into debt because we decide that we want doctors to take out one of my eggs and put it into another woman or going to a foreign country and adopting a baby and dealing with the same struggles my parents did - i.e. people telling them I wasn't REALLY their daughter, fighting with them because we just didn't mesh well, stuff like that..

I would just be curious to know what our own kid would look like and if it would have a big attitude like me or have anger issues like Ian. If it would be tall with really curly hair or fat with straight hair. One day it'll happen but not today.

I also found out that since my last doctor visit with my regular doctor (this doctor I went to go see last week was my dad's primary doctor and is also my mom's primary doctor) I have lost more than 35 pounds, mostly due to my job and the heavy lifting and cleaning and walking back and forth to grab things from the back room. I do know that shortly after I started seeing Ian, I actually put on weight from not being at work and doing practically nothing unless I was with Ian or my friends. So it was a big deal for me to find out that I lost weight since I can't remember the last time I lost that much in a somewhat short time span without going above and beyond to diet, exercise and basically starve myself. And starving myself and then eating like crazy is what made me diabetic to begin with. I'm kind of hoping that I continue losing weight and then I will no longer be diabetic but I know it's something I'd have to work at and I'd have to actually start going out and running again like I used to. It's difficult when it's cold, you don't really know if your neighborhood is safe anymore and you don't have any good running shoes.