The truth is that, I hold myself completely responsible for how our friendship ended.
My dad had died a little over a year before our friendship finished - I was constantly taking out my grief on my friend. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair to him and I didn't realize how cruel I'd been until after we were done being friends.
I remember constantly telling our mutual friend that "things are better this way. we're both better people without the other one around." I still feel that way even though I just apologized for how irrational I acted during that time and I'm sure he feels the same way.
We both became much better people after we stopped being friends. I miss him. I miss going out late at night and screaming out of the car window, I miss being terrified of going to cemeteries but he MADE me go - he made our entire friend circle go actually, I miss how things just seemed so much easier...even though I had lost my father.
I took him for granted. I take a lot of people for granted or at least, I used to. I've kind of learned to stop doing that.
When we WERE friends, he was failing his classes/dropping them, he was almost always in a bad mood and I never knew why until we stopped being friends - It was my fault. I took out my depression, my grief, my anger about my dad's death, all of it was taken out on him. And instead of telling me how poorly I was behaving, he felt it was better to not say anything at all but to talk to our friends about it.
Eventually, I lost 2 or 3 of the most important people in my life at that time. I knew it was my fault and I knew that if I wanted to avoid this again I'd have to make a change in my life and get over what happened to my father.
The anniversary of my dad's passing is coming up at the end of May. I always get really nervous around that time, I cry a lot on that particular day.
What I worry about more than anything else when it comes to marriage is...Who will be the one to walk me down an aisle? And who will dance with me? And if I ever have children..who will tell them about stamps and WWII?? Who will make them that awful rice-aroni stuff he made with cut up hot dogs in it? ......Who will teach them how to keep a smile on their face, even when the world has just handed them a swift kick in the behind?
I still cry at weddings when I see a bride dancing with her father because I will never have that. Sure, I could ask one of my cousins or one of my uncles to do it but it's not the same thing. So whenever I think about getting married, I conclude that getting the certificate at city hall would do me just fine but secretly, I want the flowers and the dress and the music and the food and the bad dancing.
I think he would've liked Ian. The same way that I'm a lot like his mom, he is a lot like my father - He doesn't say much but when he does, it makes the most sense. My dad never tried to understand me and that's why we got along so well. My mom's always tried forcing a friendship between us and my dad always knew it would come naturally.
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