Nemo

I have a dog named Nemo.

He's six or seven years old...so he's relatively young.

My aunt almost hit him with her car when he was a puppy - his previous owners threw him out in the middle of winter. My dad felt really bad for Nemo because nobody wanted him, we had just lost a dog so he convinced my mom to take him.

Over the course of a few short years, my father and I took to him very well.

Then my dad died.

And I babied Nemo, paid more attention to him than my mom, played with him, etc.

A couple days ago, Nemo injured himself. We don't know how or when but it was very sudden. He couldn't walk.

My mom took him to the vet and the woman told her that he either just has inflammation and hurt himself and is sore OR he ruptured a disc in his back.

There is a surgery that fixes it and it's over $3,000 - money that my mom probably has but doesn't want to spend on an animal. She says she doesn't have it but I don't believe her. Seeing as how my dad left her money when he died and she gets money from her social security benefits.

The vet also told my mother that the cortisone shot she gave him has a 50% chance of working and that over the next few days, he'll either get better or worse.

It's hard to tell which direction Nemo is moving into since he's the biggest baby ever and let me also state that Nemo has never been sick or hurt so I don't know if the pain is as bad as it seems when he squeals like a pig every time he turns himself the wrong way. I do know that every time I have to hear him cry, I start crying as well and I can't stop. I'm crying right now.

I love my dogs and my cat and I've always loved the pets we've had. I've seen a lot of animals get put down but this dumb dog has really won my heart over. It has more to do with the fact that my father fought to get him into this house and he stayed up late with him while he whined and cried, adjusting to his new home. Nemo is the last piece of my father that I have left. When my dad died, Nemo howled for days on end and lost a lot of his energy. He got it back eventually but both of our dogs were affected by the death of my father.

My mother is giving Nemo until Friday...which I think is not enough time. She says that if he isn't better by Friday, she's taking him to the vet and getting him euthanized. I STRONGLY disagree with this idea because...I DON'T THINK THAT THREE DAYS IS LONG ENOUGH RECOVERY TIME. Yesterday night, I could tell she just wanted to throw the towel in and put him down but since we do not know what's wrong with him....what if we were to make a horrible mistake? What if we put him down and all it is is a sore neck?

I told Juan that if I had a credit card, I would take him to the emergency vet myself, put myself into debt and pay for his surgery if that's what he needed.

My compassion for animals has definitely kicked in since I started working at a holistic pet store but in general, I have always had a passion and love for dogs and cats.

I think what also is making me a wreck is the fact that I have no support here. Ian is not here. Yet Juan drove over to my house and rearranged his sleeping schedule to come and listen to me cry and even cried himself (sorry Juan) because of Nemo's condition. I am so tired of telling the person I love what to do, how to do it, when to do it all of the time.

Sometimes...you just need to be there. Without the other person asking.

I don't feel cared about or loved. I feel neglected and I'm losing trust in him because he isn't here for me. So while I cry about my dog possibly being put to sleep by the end of this week, I also cry for my relationship and the constant struggle of him not knowing what's right or wrong. And instead of trying to do...SOMETHING, he does nothing. And it hurts me so much because every time it happens, I feel less and less like he cares for me. But it just doesn't seem to make a difference to him.

I just want my dog to get better. I swear to God that if he gets better, I will take much better care of him. I will buy him probiotics, supplements, $60 dog food, whatever I have to do to keep him living longer. I just want him to get past this and I want my mom to have more patience in his condition. She's not a shrew. She loves Nemo just as much as I do but it's hard for her to see him in pain and her automatic response is "let's put him to sleep" because she thinks it'll solve all of the problems. The fact is, if he's put to sleep, I will have a big problem. It's not time for him to go yet and I wish she'd look at it that way instead of seeing it as him being in pain.

He doesn't have any health issues and it would be different if he was a much older dog...but he's still young enough to pull through and he has something to fight for.

A family.

I've thought of my new year's resolution

It's not really a resolution since I don't think I will be improving anything or changing much except for the fact that maybe I can convince Ian to spend money with me on groceries instead of greasy, fatty foods.

I want to buy a cookbook.

I want to post the recipes in here, along with photos, my results and what everything tasted like so that people can feel like they were right there with us. Eating.

I don't know which cookbook I'm going to buy. I could pull a Julie Powell and buy Julia Child's Art of French Cooking but I don't want to make a meat jello mold. I also do not want to bone a duck even though it'll probably be delicious.

I will not have a specific date in mind in finishing the recipes.

We'll see what happens. I'll probably go to Borders before the year ends and look through dozens of cook books to determine which one is best for me.

Autumn

Autumn is, by far, my favorite season of the year.

I love crunching the leaves with my shoes as I pass the same trees that were different colors the week before.

I love the smell after a cold rainfall - hold the humidity.

I love seeing kids in their over-sized coats and hats and scarves that are totally unnecessary in this weather.

I love...wearing my peacoat. Right now, though, it's too warm to wear it and it's driving me nuts. I'm also hoping to eventually buy a new coat since the one I currently have has seen better days.

Winter is nice too but I don't like the slush and getting my shoes and pants wet.

Things with Ian are...alright. We still have our ups and downs but as more time passes, the more I realize that EVERYONE who is in a relationship has small and big problems...but they don't always talk about them. It doesn't help that I only have like...one "close" friend who is in a relationship but I won't get into that. I still love him more than anything though and that's what keeps me going. I love him more each time I'm with him.

Work is going really well. My manager quit so I'll be getting more hours again and that makes me both happy and sad - I like my off days. I like not working 4 days in a row because it's like a vacation. Some days are good and some are bad but mostly, my days at work are good. Especially with my manager gone. I won't mention his name or his likeness but he's an ass hole as far as managers go. He didn't know how to MANAGE and instead would sit on his butt all day and make me do all of the work that he could've helped me with.

The really good news is that since I've started work, I've lost at least 10 pounds. Since I'm overweight and know a lot of people who are overweight or once were, I try not to obsess about it and I try not to jump on the scale every day but last I checked, I had lost 10 pounds and I can tell since ALL of my jeans are falling down more often than they used to in the first place. I still need to buy a belt...

So I can thank my ex manager for helping to make me less of a fat ass and I know that as long as I continue pushing myself to lift and drop enormous bags of dog and cat food, I'll continue to sweat and I'll continue losing weight.

I'm fat. I've always been fat. I'll always be fat.

It's the one thing I really hate about myself. There are days when I don't even understand what Ian is doing with me because I feel so yucky about myself. And when he pushes the hair out of my face or kisses me on the forehead, that feeling usually goes away.

We're moving in April.

So that gives me a few months to start saving for more silverware (he has a fork, a spoon and a few knives...), some more plates and bowls, kitchen utensils, our dream but affordable bed, and furniture.

God willing.

I think the root of our problems is that we are constantly on a schedule when we spend time together. It's like we already live together during the first few days and everything is fine but then when I have to leave, things start to get a bit rocky again.

I can't get mad that his mom does his laundry for him because I'm not going to do it. Right now.

I want us to live together so that one or both of us can go out and come home to each other (I've said this before, I know). I just want to know that at the end of each day, he's the one I'm coming home to.

When we're both happy, which isn't all of the time, I feel like I'm home when I'm with him.

I only have to wait a few more months until we can start our lives together.

Day 30

Day 30: Who are you?

I've been struggling with this final question for the last few days - that's why I haven't updated. Truth be told, I don't always know who I am because there are days when I don't like myself and then there are times when I don't understand why some people don't like me.

I guess I'm a daughter but sometimes I wish I had a choice in where I was placed.

I'm complicated and for the dumbest reasons.

I'm a loser and probably always will be.

I'd rather stay in all day watching tv and eating food that's bad for me than go out and be sociable with people that I don't know or like.

I do everything I can not to be stereotypical or predictable so I won't end this with something lame like "I'm me" because that's all we can be. Ourselves.