What I'll be blogging about regularly

As I've explained in a few past entries, I suffer from hair loss. It mostly has to do with the grief of losing my dad - because I noticed that shortly after he passed, my hair was falling out a lot and not growing back. My hair used to be very long, past my shoulders, and now it's very short, chin length. I'd just like to have the option of growing my hair out and not wondering if everyone can see my scalp. Over the past few years, I switched over to Aveda products because I knew that with less natural products I ran the risk of losing more hair and doing more damage. I also stopped blow drying my hair as much (which is why I also cut it short). I've read a number of reviews about this product, mostly coming from Indian or African American women. I also noticed that a lot of older women were reviewing coconut oil products.

I found out about how amazing coconut oil is when I was working at a pet store and my boss insisted that we have weekly meetings - One week we had a discussion about coconut oil and she told us that it helps with hair growth and strength.

At first I was worried that coconut oil may make my hair fall out even more but I haven't come across anyone who has made complaints about it. Some people noticed no changes but also did not have any major hair issues and other people showed photos and videos of what their hair looked like before they started using coconut oil and after.

At this point I'm willing to try anything. Now I don't look like a cancer patient (not meant to be offensive) undergoing chemotherapy and I don't have big bald patches but my hair is very, very thin. It was once very thick, which is why I was able to grow it so long. When I noticed that a large portion of my hair in the middle of my head was not growing, I went back to my natural part which is on my left side of my head. I don't have dandruff but I do have a dry scalp.

Besides blogging about the Vatika Coconut Oil I just purchased and will start using next week, I will also be writing about the treatment that I plan on doing (two to three times a week, with a shower cap, for 1/2 an hour to an hour) and I also plan on writing about the shampoos and conditioners I'm using.

I know this is a big no-no but I've been using the same shampoo and conditioner for almost a year now and I think that also participates in my hair looking so lifeless lately.

So anyways, I just figured that this is something interesting I can write about for the next few weeks. I will of course still update about my personal life and am hoping to start blogging about food again as well.

Smooth sailing

It's been about a month now that we have been doing alright. We haven't gotten into any big fights. No storming out, no crying, no yelling. Nothing.

We bought a bed this weekend from Ikea. It's great.

Juan and I are starting a web comic.

On Saturday a bunch of us went to a pumpkin patch and a haunted house - both were really great. I have no idea what to eat for lunch today.

I have a lot of work to do so that's why I'm just kind of quickly updating things. Also have a lot on my mind as far as the web comic is concerned...work worries as well.

Everything is good.

My mom's birthday is on Friday. We're going out to dinner (I think) on Saturday with her and her fiancee. I just remembered that I still haven't bought her a present but am buying it tomorrow when I get my costume at the mall.

I'm going to be a bee...if the costume is still there.

my back is killing me

I blame our bed - We've been sleeping on a futon on the floor for about a year now and both of our backs have been killing us off and on ever since.

We are FINALLY buying a new bed next weekend and I could not be happier about it. I love buying new sheets and blankets. And since we're getting a larger size bed, we have to buy new fitted sheets for it.

My back is hurting me so much today for some reason. I don't know if it's because of the losing weight and my front having to compensate for my back or the bed or the chair I sit in at work but it may just be a combination of the three.
I thought about leaving work early but I don't know how well that would go over with my boss. I'm just hurting a lot right now.

----

Our relationship has been going well. For almost two weeks now, we haven't gotten into any big blow outs. Small tiffs here and there but not every day and nothing serious. I don't know if he's happy because he still doesn't really tell me *cough* but I am.

...I want to kill my back right now...Honestly.

Hair

I need new shampoo and conditioner. < That sentence will probably be the simplest one in this blog post.

So, my dad passed away four and a half years ago. I was working two jobs - one as a Managing Editor for my school's newspaper (people often discredit this as being a job but trust me...it's a job and it's not easy) and another as a deli...person at a fancy Chicago grocery store/restaurant near Navy Pier. I had to wear a hat. I often used hairspray to keep this hat on my head because it was small and well, stupid.

Shortly after my dad's death, the stress of having two jobs and using too much hairspray, I noticed significant hair loss. I was basically bald in the middle part of my head. I was forced to move my part over. My hair was still falling out, in clumps in the shower. I blamed my shampoo and conditioner. I later blamed blow drying my hair/straightening it/having to wash it every day because it got greasy very quickly.

Eventually, I cut my hair, stopped putting any product in it and noticed less hair loss. After that, I started using more natural shampoos and conditioners. I cut my hair even shorter and really liked it - It's a lot easier to take care of when it's short. After a while, I started styling it again every few days (not every day). I used a volumizer when I blow dried my hair, to add height. While some of my hair has grown back over the past few years, it's not as full as it once was when I was a teenager.

My solution is to continue eating more healthier foods when I can, keep working out, change up my shampoo and conditioner every month or so and continue using the same natural brand of products, and now: To try natural remedies to get some of the hair to come back. Whether it be from hairspray damage, the stress or whatever.

There are a ton of different things out there to try including coconut oil, grapeseed oil, lemon and an egg, rosemary, olive oil and castor oil.

So over the next year, I'm going to try a bunch of different things and just see what happens. Even though I like having my hair short, I'd like to have the option of growing it out and not worry about how thin my hair looks when the length is past my chin.

my adoption

Yesterday I talked with my mom about my adoption - it was the first time we've really talked about it ever since I was a kid...and by kid I mean, between the ages of 4 and 10. She also told me a lot about my father's side of the family.

I found out that I came to America when I was only three months old - when I originally thought that my adoption was made official at three months and I traveled to America at nine months old. My mom said that my biological mother only kept me for a few days before she decided to hand me over to the orphanage. Shortly (as in 30 seconds) before she told me this, we had a conversation that was similar to what I'm about to post:

"She had you for about a month before she gave you to the orphanage."
"A month? That long? Why?" -me

"Because she was still deciding if she wanted to keep you or not."-my mom

"..."

"...Actually I take that back. She didn't even have you for a month. It was three weeks...actually, it was only for a few days."-my mom

*me trying not to cry in front of my mother and Ian*

I imagine this woman sitting in her bed, stroking my face, and kissing my forehead and my fat little cheeks, my small fingers squeezing hers, me smiling up at her and her smiling down on me, or crying. But I also imagine that it was so easy for this woman to just push me out of her life and had she really wanted us to be in each other's lives, I would like to think that she would've left a letter or something for me to read as an adult.
I also found out that my mother had brothers and sisters...which means that if I ever took the initiative to try and find my biological mother, I would most likely find her siblings. I have aunts and uncles out there, somewhere.

My mom tried to defend my biological mother's actions and said that young women, poor women, had no way of caring for their children so they gave them up and that she made the right decision when she took me to the orphanage. I would like to find my biological mother and/or her family before it's too late, before I am so old that my mother will have already passed and any of her siblings would also have passed.

But I also see disappointment if I pursue this. I see a number of doors being shut in my face. I see a woman who will tell me that she didn't want me and still doesn't and never loved me and that was the real reason why she gave me up for adoption.

The way I see it, I was really only truly wanted once - and that was on the plane on the way to Chicago. When I was very young, I remember my mom telling me that the woman who was taking care of me on the plane wanted to keep me. Yesterday, my mom said that the woman was actually with her husband and they were both taking care of me on the plane and that the woman told my mom that if no one was at the airport to claim me, that her and her husband would've taken me.

I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been, being in a home with two people who really, truly loved me. I would have grown up in Seattle. I might have had brothers and sisters. I might have been encouraged by my parents to find my biological mother. I might have received financial help from my parents to find out where I originally came from. Instead, I was brought up in a home filled with fighting, tears, hospitals and death. I was brought up in a home filled with resentment.

I am happy with where my life is now. I love my boyfriend, I love my friends and I love my family as well but I still feel that I will never be fully satisfied with my life until I find out more about my mother, her past and the life that I could have had. When I was a small child, my mom once said to me "you're lucky that we adopted you. you would be out on the streets right now eating noodles and kimchi if it weren't for us." We were in a car because I remember just resting my head on my hand and shaking my head like "what the hell is the matter with this woman..." She made a number of remarks like that to me, growing up. "Go pack a bag, I'm taking you back to the adoption agency. I don't want you anymore." And I would really have to go and pack a suitcase and it was mostly filled with stuffed animals and pajamas because I was so young at that point that I had NO idea wtf I was doing because seriously - who the fuck makes their child pack a suitcase?
"You see that blue car right there?" She asked as we both sat on the couch, looking out the window. "There is a man who's going to drive you to the adoption agency because you're a bad child." Cut to me screaming and crying and wondering what I had done so bad to be kicked out of my home. Age 6, btw.

"Hello? Is this the police? Hi, I'm bringing my daughter over to the station. Yeah, I don't want her anymore." My mother pretending to call the police. Age FOUR. Yeah.

There were a number of other hurtful things she did to me, that people still don't believe to this day. I don't even think anyone in my family knows about the time that she walked out on me and my father. She said she just sat in the park all day but she was literally gone ALL. DAY. I was very young and I think both me and my father were worried if she'd actually come back that evening. It was dark when she came back to the house. I sat in the living room all day, staring out the window - From the second that she walked out the door, till she came back that night I just sat on the couch waiting.

I've read a few of other people's blogs I follow who also grew up in shitty adopted homes. Last night I had a dream about having a baby. It wasn't the first and probably won't be the last. But I've been thinking about what we're going to do when we want to have a baby...I'm afraid that if we adopt, the child will face the same ridicule I faced. "You know, your parents aren't your REAL parents right??" Or being excluded for being adopted. Or feeling lonely because he or she has no brothers or sisters. I know that I cannot physically handle having a child - it would probably kill me and/or the baby. And I also know that having a surrogate is extremely expensive. The older that we get, I know the more I will worry about all of this.

I do know that all of the things my mom did, I will not do to my own children.