I was on the phone with one of my friends a couple days ago and we were talking about how we seem to be this very small group of people who can have a great time together without drugs or alcohol....and people get so judgmental about it. People get angry at me because I choose not to partake in that kind of stuff. I am 24 years old and to be honest, there are many reasons why I do not drink heavily and why I have never taken drugs and why I don't smoke cigarettes.
I don't see the point. And that's just my opinion. It doesn't make it right or wrong.
We also talked about how our friendships with different people have changed or ended because of our choice in lifestyles. Like I am no longer close with someone who used to be my best friend because a lot of the time, he is out partying when I'm about to wake up for the day.
I have also become more domesticated and more introverted. I'm just fine staying inside by myself or with Ian or whoever wants to come over. I'm just fine with going over to someone's house, watching a movie, making fun of the person's dialogue or outfit and going back home. I do not want to dance until the sun comes up. And I don't want to take or do anything that will alter my sense of reality.
I believe I've lived a full life - I have no regrets. I've seen a lot of things and I've done a lot and I'm sure I'll continue living my life as long as God allows that to happen (and NO, I don't choose not to drink or do drugs because of God or religion. I'm hardly religious). I also believe that life is too short to waste it on partying all of the time or constantly going out and emptying my bank account.
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Right now I'm not exactly sure where Ian and I stand. I said a lot of things to him the other night that I don't think really stuck with him. I cried harder than the last time I can even remember. It may have been when my dad died. I feel as though I mean nothing to him. Meanwhile, he is the most important person in my life and I've tried my best to show him that. When that feeling isn't reciprocated, it just makes you feel sick inside. It's difficult to walk away when we live together and have invested so much time into the relationship but I feel like it's very one sided at this point. I feel like I'm constantly wanting to communicate about things in our relationship and I'm constantly pointing out what is wrong with us and what we need to fix and Ian just does nothing when it comes to us.
He is so focused on his work that even if he's right here with me, I feel like he's not mentally there. I have never met anyone who was so obsessed with working. His mind is constantly thinking about what game he needs/wants to play, what article he needs to write, what time we need to be home so he can write about something he has to watch. It's exhausting.
I feel very much like I did as a young child. There's a family video that we have and my dad is recording the basement because it was my first communion or something and he and my mother decorated it and I'm too short for the camera to see me. So I start jumping up and down going "Dad! Look at me! Look at me, Dad! Dad! Dad! Pay attention to me! Dad, LOOK! HI DAD! Dad!" And this whole time I'm just jumping up so he'll glance at me and all he says is "Does anyone want a kid?"
I feel like I'm still that person, in total desperation of trying to get someone's attention who is too busy or too annoyed to deal with me. And I'm tired of feeling like that. As much as I want to be with Ian, I also want to be with someone who won't always make me feel like I'm number 2 or number 3. I want to be with someone who is going to hold me while I'm crying and isn't going to have this blank look on his face with nothing to say.
It's not that difficult to be an actual human being and have some compassion but maybe that's easier said than done from where I'm standing.
I want things to get better between us but I just feel like he makes no time at all to attempt to repair the damage he's done.
I just feel like there's this wall between us and for the first time, I'm not the one who put it there. For the first time, I'm the one with a big sledge hammer trying to break it down but I'm getting nowhere because he's on the other side, standing there with his arms crossed.
I think that if we continue going down this path, we'll break up. And even though I've continuously told Ian this, he doesn't do ANYTHING to try and fix our relationship. It has to be a two way street and instead, I keep trying and Ian is just too preoccupied. I don't think he understands that relationships are fucking difficult - that's why so many people prefer to be single because they don't want to put in the work. And if you're reading this and you feel like you don't want to put the work into our relationship, then let's just go our separate ways because this isn't what I signed up for.
I don't think there's ever an excuse NOT to spoil me with love and that's because growing up, I never, ever, ever, ever got that. My mom spoiled me with food and toys. That's why I'm so fat today. My dad...he was just there. He didn't really do much. We talked a lot when I became more of an adult but as a child, he was just there.
I want to be with someone who understands that as women, we want to talk about the future of our lives together and we want someone who is going to be excited about our plans and is going to make an effort in the relationship to keep things going.
But I just can't do it by myself anymore..
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We're in California right now because Ian is covering E3. I've basically been by myself for almost 12 hours every day and any touring I've done has been within a 2 mile radius. I haven't taken any buses or trains because I'm afraid I'll get lost. So all I've really been doing is walking to the grocery store or the Walgreens...which I could easily do in Chicago. I haven't really seen or done anything. I wanted to see Grauman's Chinese Theatre but I don't think that'll happen. We haven't even gone out to dinner together. We've been eating pizza in the room...or sandwiches. Or nothing at all.
Overall, even though it's really early here - I am just not having a good day. All I can think about is the failure of my relationship with someone that I'd do anything for.
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