exes

As much as I would love to be an adult and say that I have found it in my heart to forgive all of my ex boyfriends for the things they did, I can't.
And the truth (for me at least) is that, you can't be friends with your exes. It's weird.
Recently, one of my ex boyfriends added me on facebook and I let the friend invitation sit there for a day or so while I mulled over it. I thought to myself "having him as my friend is not going to improve my quality of life. we will probably never see each other even though he lives in rockford. also, there were a lot of things he did in our relationship that i don't think i'll ever understand"
Against my better judgement, I added him back. A few weeks went by when we would just comment on eachother's statuses and such. Eventually, the not knowing feeling came back to me and it was starting to eat away at me. I decided to send him a message one night, and I think it was after Ian and I had gotten into a small disagreement, and I asked my ex boyfriend what it was that I did wrong in our relationship and why he felt the need to do what he did.
To clarify, I was 18, 19 at the time when we met. It was long distance because he was living in Rockford with his mom and he wanted to go to school in Chicago at some point so that's why I thought it'd work out. In the mean time, he would visit me every other month and stay for a week or so. As a teenager, I was very guarded. This means, I had absolutely no interest in having sex or dating a number of guys. My mother had somehow convinced me that she stayed a virgin until she married my dad (yeah I fell for that) and I believed her. I believed in these values. Even after I found out my mom was a big liar lol, I still held onto the values of knowing that you love someone before you commit to something big like sleeping with them.
This caused problems in my relationship and caused similar problems in past relationships. Because I was inexperienced, I had absolutely no interest in having sex and thought it was irresponsible of me to be doing something like that at that age.
So with this guy from Rockford, he'd continuously try hooking up with other girls but would fail miserably because thank God, none of them fell for that whole "don't worry. my gf is totally okay with it." and because I'm 5'11" and I'm Asian, the girls would mostly respond with "yeah...no. I don't want her kicking my ass." There were a few occasions when girls would actually fall for his stories and I would end up contacting them or them me and it would usually end with "I thought he loved me. He said he was gonna leave you. He lied to me. blah blah blah"
Eventually, this all became too much for me. If you know anything about the person I am, then you know that I hate giving up on people. That's pretty obvious since I am still with Ian after all of this time and all of the arguments we've had. But with that relationship, I knew I was just looking like an idiot and couldn't deal with it anymore. I wrote him a break up letter, he had to go back to Rockford, I hugged him goodbye and that was the last time I saw him.
It's funny to me because I see that he has still not changed his ways AT ALL. He pretends that he's this really nice guy, who doesn't do anything wrong, and he flirts with all of these different girls while HE'S LIVING WITH HIS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND and she has no idea that this is going on.
Anyways, when I wrote to him asking what I did wrong he finally admitted that it was him who screwed up, that he was in a bad place (and he was) and that he was just childish looking for attention wherever he could find it.
Unfortunately, hearing that didn't really bring any closer for me. And because of what he did, I'm still terribly paranoid that Ian will one day leave me for someone else. While those doubts aren't as amplified as they used to be, they will always be there because of what the guys before him did. And even though I feel like, with time, I'm healing from my past relationships, I have to wonder if I'll ever fully recover and allow myself to truly be happy with Ian.