I feel like there is a lot about my relationship with Ian that I'll never understand. And in the past few months, I've kind of reached my limit of what I don't understand about him and us.
I don't really know what is going to happen with moving since Ian still finds it so difficult to be as open with me as he is with his mother. It is beyond frustrating and this is one of the things that really makes me want to leave. He does not communicate with me properly and the more I read up about relationships, the more I see how communication or lack thereof is infamous for ruining relationships. I always tell him that he needs to talk to me more, that he needs to be more assertive not just in general but with me too. I'm bossy but if someone knows better than me, I don't mind being bossed around.
I feel that he thinks I'm this person that I'm really not, that I'm unapproachable, that I'm closed off from the world when it's really him who is closed off from everybody.
I think that I've done everything I can but I get nowhere because Ian never meets me half way. It's just another one of those days where I'm sitting at my desk, on the other side of the wall, quietly crying because I'm at a loss for words. I have said time and time again what needs to change, what he can do to change, what we have to do to help each other but he makes no effort. All he does is stress out about everything that's going on, the finances, his work, the move/not moving, the rent. And instead of voicing that to me, instead of sitting me down and saying "this is what you should spend on groceries" "this is half of the utilities" and "this is what you can spend on whatever you need" instead of saying "I'm really stressed out and I just need you to talk to me and calm me down"
I get silence. And I'm sitting here, I'M LITERALLY SITTING HERE GOING "what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong" OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And at the end of it all, I just feel like smashing my head against the fucking wall because I'm doing everything I can just to get him to talk to me when I know that he just openly goes crying to his mother/complaining about what's happening.
I'm beyond frustrated by this entire situation. I don't know what the fuck we're doing here. I don't know if we're moving or WHAT. I keep having to be the hopeful and positive one saying "we're gonna be okay" "we're gonna be fine" "we'll make it" "it's gonna be tight but we'll get through the move" and he's just like "uh huh" "yeah" "we'll see" "okay"
This is one of those days where I wish I could just get in a fucking time machine and go back and stop myself from getting involved with Ian because I did not sign up for this shit. I did not sign up for him giving me the cold shoulder 80% of the time, being in a bad mood, being sad, being lethargic, being moody, AND NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING THAT'S GOING THROUGH HIS HEAD. It's okay to feel those things but when you make the fucking conscious effort NOT to talk to me about that shit, when we've been together for TWO AND A HALF YEARS THIS VERY DAY, then that's when I have to sit here and ask myself "WHY..................WHY AM I STILL FUCKING HERE WASTING MY TIME WITH THIS PERSON WHO DOESN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AND MAKES ME OUT TO BE SUCH A FUCKING SHIT HEAD...WHY..."
going to my mother's house for the day so I can not sit here and continue crying at my desk. I'm just so sick to death of being the only person invested in this fucking relationship.
Grow up. Seriously.