But we almost did.
...Well, I almost did the breaking up for us. Because I'm really good at screwing things up and making things into a bigger deal than they need to be.
Anyway, I just kind of sat there and thought about how often Ian NEEDS to go online and do work stuff or non-related work stuff. This is an argument that we have had in the past and nothing ever really gets resolved. He says things will change and I say to myself that I'll be more patient but how much more patient am I supposed to be?
He spent the entire Saturday being a sour puss at the aquarium. You don't understand. I've been waiting to go to the aquarium for more than 10 years...and I finally was able to go and Ian was just acting moody and quiet the majority of the day.
I never really know what is bothering him and what really pisses me off, because I know he's reading this, is that I have to DRAG EVERYTHING OUT OF HIM as if we just started dating or something. We've known each other for almost a year. It'll be a year in July. We've been dating for over nine months now. What more do I have to do?? It's like he won't let me in or something. He has accused me of doing that in the past but I have let him in and sometimes, more often than not, I feel like there is a double standard between the two of us.
Why should I be expected to divulge every little detail of my sad and pathetic life but when I ask him about anything, I usually just get a one word answer?
I'm not really allowed to know about ex-girlfriends or girls that he met and dated for a short period of time, just dates that did not work out.
I'm not really allowed to know about his history with his father yet he expects me to have the same hatred he has towards his Dad. Sorry, no. I know he's sitting at home, reading this and shaking his head or I'm probably asleep in his lap and he's still responding the same way.
Anyhow, I guess yesterday I had had it with his taking out his work frustrations out on me. He doesn't yell at me or hit me but he just gets in these really AWFUL, disgusting, foul moods and I am the one who has to put up with him when he's like this. Not really fair. Especially when he has consistently been acting sort of bratty-like for at least the past week.
For some reason, last night I convinced myself that I'd leave. I started texting everyone I knew who had a car who could come and pick me up at Ian's so that I could go home and be away from him and teach him a lesson.
But nobody answered or they did and said they couldn't come and get me.
Afterwards, as I laid in bed listening to him snore, I took it as a sign that we were meant to stay together.
I didn't really WANT to leave and the truth is, when you need to leave someone, you usually don't WANT to but you know that it's what you need to do.
I could've really messed things up. What if I had gotten a ride? What if Juan or whoever would've answered their phones? I'd be sitting here typing a story about how we broke up and I'd be crying.
I don't really want to leave him and I didn't really want to leave last night but I also did not want to be one of those people who puts up with everything.
What really broke me was when we were standing in front of each other and he said "If you leave me I want you to know that I'll love you forever." And it took everything inside of me not to cry.
I don't like being taken for granted. I like knowing that I'm appreciated and loved. I'm a girl. In that sense, I AM high maintenance. I need love and affection.
But looking back, I'm glad I didn't leave and I'm very grateful for the fact that nobody was able to come pick me up.
I know that if we had broken up and I told him this, I most likely would've called him or emailed him asking him to take me back.
Things honestly weren't that bad. But when I sit there and think about things, I make things even worse than they were to begin with. If that makes any sense.
Why didn't I leave?
Because I love him more than anyone I've ever loved before.
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