Anyway, since I often feel like I'm talking to a wall, I'm just going to write it here for him to read if he feels like it.
I don't know if I'm alone on this one...actually, I know for a fact that I am NOT alone on this one because I just talked to a girl about this last night.
Sometimes, women just feel really BAD about themselves and as the woman's boyfriend it's his job to make her feel better. I am in no way saying that a guy should constantly make the girl feel better about herself but once in a while, showing how much you care about the person you're dating is really nice.
And as I've said before, I am more of a "I need to SEE how you feel about me" as opposed to "I need to HEAR how you feel about me."
Words are just words...words are so f'ing easy to say, DOING something to show someone how much you mean to them is completely different.
I am constantly fighting a battle against myself. There's days when I wake up and I can say, "there's nothing wrong with me." And then there's days when I don't even look in the mirror. There is no woman on this planet who is 100 percent, 265, 24-7 happy with herself whether it be her body, her personality, how she treats people. It doesn't matter. And if there IS a woman like that...well, that's good for her.
I don't need constant attention despite what he might think. And truth be told, I still get really frustrated with having to pull everything out of him and last night, all I could do was cry. It's not fair to me...that I'm expected to be so open and honest and he doesn't do the same.
I know that whoever's reading this is probably thinking "yeah...you said all of this before." And you're right. I keep saying it because the same problems in our relationship still exist.
I don't always feel like this but more often than not, I do feel like I am second in his life and I just keep wondering, if I spent the rest of my life with Ian, would I therefore spend the rest of my life being second? And if we ever had children...would our children come in 3rd and 4th place? Sometimes I lie awake in bed wondering about all of that. And I don't say anything because I feel so bad because I love his mother. A lot. I don't know if that feeling is reciprocated and I doubt that it is but...I wish that my mom was as giving and caring as she is. His mom would go to the end of the Earth for him. But I also feel that he can't be the only one held responsible and really, it's nobody's fault. It's what they're used to since his father is out of the picture...for a long time, even when his dad WAS around, all they had were each other.
But we're adults now and we will only continue taking more steps into the direction of adulthood as time passes.
Last night, Laura told me something that she asked her boyfriend Joe. She asked him "If something really bad or really good happened to you...would you call me first?" And he said yes. And I just sat in her car wondering if I asked Ian something like that, I know that he would have a hard time deciding who would hear the good or bad news first. But most likely, he'd just send a text because he doesn't like his voice so we never talk on the phone.
When this topic of him not showing that he cares for me came up, there was a lot of "I'm going to try and do this and this to fix things or surprise you" and now I'm crying again. Fantastic. Anyway, none of those things happened. I still do not get phone calls. I still don't get flowers. I have to ask him to plan things....
Am I supposed to ask? Like, is this how things really are? I'm serious. I don't know that much about relationships...but I do know what I want. And I know how I am when I don't get what I want. I'm a brat.
If we want to spend the rest of our lives together, shouldn't we SHOW that that's how we feel about each other instead of just saying words?
Of course I can also be blamed. I don't show how I feel or talk about how I feel because I'm scared...because I honestly, sometimes don't know how he feels about me. And there are definitely times when I feel so insignificant in his life when he has become a large part of mine and he's met my entire family and all of my friends. I guess that's how I show that I'm serious about this. By having everyone meet the person that I'd like to grow old with.
I could walk away from all of this and I'd be devastated but sometimes I wonder if that's what's best for me.
And then I remember that he never intentionally hurts me or wants me to feel bad about myself but...I don't know. This is what I want and I know that not every day can be perfect and maybe I'm just being selfish.
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