That one moment.

I know many people who are married...all of them are my relatives.

I've never asked anyone when they knew they wanted to get married for sure/wanted to be with their significant other forever.

Well I have one for the grandkids......or my cousins' grandkids...whichever.

I've known for quite a while that I want to spend the rest of my life with Ian and that one day, I'd like to get married.

But today there was a moment. He is totally oblivious of this and I know he'll read this eventually and ask me about it.

Back to the story.

I was sitting on the porch swing and Ian was fixing a panel on my mom's hot tub. He's always doing little things around the house for her, as do the rest of the men in my life (Miguel, Juan, Samson and so on and so on).

He knelt down on one knee and his boxer briefs were showing and I just knew. :/

I know, this story is horrible.

But I just pictured him kneeling down on one knee asking me to marry him and I wasn't scared or anything. I was happy.

If this does happen, it won't happen for a long time from now I'm sure but.......there was a moment. It was really short but it was there.

Dinner tonight = scrambled eggs. My mom never cooks and it really bothers me. And whenever I cook FOR MYSELF, I get yelled at/she eats it. What the hell. So...I am waiting for her to get into bed so I can make some eggs.

"I don't want to be without you."

He told me not to write about this but I just want to touch on that one sentence.

I said that to him a few weeks ago. We were both crying in bed, in the dark.

I almost screwed everything up. Again.

We laid there in silence, just holding onto each other I thought about how my life might be without him and then I got really, really scared.

I guess what I need to remember and remind myself of each day is that before Ian became such a substantial part of my life, everything was dark.

Slowly and slowly, things are starting to lighten up with him around.

I told Miguel that I probably will always have trust issues, that I may not trust any person I ever have a relationship with because I am so scared of getting too comfortable because as soon as you take off your shoes and sit down on the best couch ever, the person sitting next to you might push you off.

I know it's an awful analogy but that's just how I picture it. I don't wanna get pushed! lol

Truth be told, I will have days when I feel under-appreciated and I'm sure he'll feel or has felt the same way. There will be days when I'll feel like the luckiest person in the world. There's gonna be days when I'm not with him and I'll wonder if he's holding somebody else.

I think that sometimes I demand too much or I expect too much from people based on some fantasy I have of "The Perfect Life." Maybe every day can't be perfect and maybe that's how things are supposed to be. Maybe you're supposed to fight every now and then, you're supposed to cry or scream.

I love Ian and I know that he loves me. I just don't want him to get tired of me and I don't want us to turn into some old married couple. Even if we end up as some old married couple, I still don't want that stereotype put on us lol

Ups and downs

Ian came back from L.A. Friday night.

It rained. A lot.

I missed him and maybe it's just me but I feel like things have been different since he's come back. Not different in a good way, either.

Last week, my friend Marilyn came over and she basically said that we are so completely different from men. We need to know that we are loved, we need to be reassured of things (and here I thought I was the only one), we need to feel special. And that when we don't get that, we feel like things are rocky.

I should mention that Marilyn is four years younger than me but she knows what she's talking about even though she's only been in like two relationships.

I do feel like things are off.

When he held me, it didn't feel like he missed me or anything. Just that it was an obligation.

I know that I'm wrong and I know that I ask for too much.

Something we'll always struggle with is the fact that he does too much telling and not enough showing.

And eventually I'm going to have to decide if that's something I'll be able to live with.

Most women want the fairy tale and when we don't get it, we can make one of three choices: A. live with it and accept that maybe this is all you get in life, B. leave and keep looking until you find that "prince," or C. talk about it and try changing things.

I'm worried that we're getting into our comfortable mode....where you start acting like an old couple.

I feel annoying when I'm with him sometimes, like he's sick of me and the stupid things I do and say.

Maybe things will sort themselves out as more time passes. I just don't want to get stuck in a routine relationship.

In Moderation - Cranberry juice.

Okay, this is probably one of The Most sour things I've ever had in my life.

I love cranberry juice. I like pretty much any kind of juice, even tomato.

I bought cranberry juice because I needed to do some cleansing. It's very deceiving. It smells like the cranberry juice that the most of us are used to - the kind with A LOT of sugar and artificial flavors. But when you take a tip, it's like drinking lime juice.

I eat limes...but in moderation and with salt. I know that this is weird but you're talking to someone who will willingly drink pickle juice, okay?

Anyways, if you are looking to be more healthy every once in a while. Go to Whole Foods and see if they carry 365 100% Cranberry Juice. It's not bad.............in moderation.

Not having a good day...or a good week.

Californication

Ian is leaving for California tonight and he isn't coming back until Friday evening. This means that I have to keep myself busy this entire week.

I don't want him to go. I wish that I could go with him on his work trips. I know that I'd end up on my own for the majority of each day but I've always liked exploring and walking around. Hopefully this is the last of his "work" trips for the year. He's going to E3 in L.A.

Tomorrow I'm going to a thrift store with Juan to sell some books, maybe some CDs or vinyl. I'm really running out of money and I'm tired of Ian paying for everything. I feel like such a bum and I don't want him to think that the only reason why I'm in this relationship is so he can pay for me. I'm still searching for jobs like crazy. I'm actually getting ready to apply for three right now. Ugh. Applying for jobs and going on interviews is so frustrating. You get nervous for no reason at all and when you think you got it, you really didn't. I always tell myself that I'm going to go into an interview just being myself...but I freak out and ruin it.

On Tuesday, Juan and I are designing fliers for an editing business Laura and I are starting up. Juan will just be a...worker lol it's going to be very low key because I'm worried it might not work out but it's an easy way to get some "chump change." We'll see what happens and I'll be updating this regularly. Laura and I discovered that we're both really good at editing people's articles/papers for class. I wanted to bring Juan in because he needs money too. We'll each have our own writers to deal with and I'm going to talk to each person individually over the phone to get a grasp of their personality to see which person they are best suited for.

Wednesday I'm going to Volo, Illinois. I used to go there about once a year with my parents until my dad died. I'm going to make it a tradition with my friends now. They have a car museum and antique shops that you could spend hours walking around in.

Thursday night I'm going to Bachelor's Grove, which is supposedly a haunted cemetery in Chicago. We went there twice. Once at night and once during the day. The first time we went there (at night), I freaked out in the back seat of my friend's car. I was crying, I was yelling, I was hysterical. Second time was not so bad because it was during the day but I still got a very eerie feeling. I will be keeping my head down as I walk in the dark this time. I don't want to see any ghosts but I don't mind going along for the ride and the adrenaline rush.

Friday evening Ian comes back...so I'll be spending the day doing laundry and getting ready to go meet up with him at the airport (probably).

I know he thinks he makes me mad all of the time but he doesn't. The more time I spend with him, the more I fall in love with him. Even if we're fighting. And we don't fight as often as others I know. I just don't think I need to write about how I could spend a whole day just laying on his chest, watching tv with him or how I fall asleep while he pushes my hair behind my ears. We do do those things and we do go out but we also argue every now and then.

By the way, yesterday we went to Heaven on Seven. It's a cajun restaurant in Chicago. I haven't been there in a couple years, I used to go with my mom. It was so good. We were both full afterwards..which doesn't happen too often.

Choice

I get a lot of flack from one friend in particular about the amount of time I DON'T spend with this friend and instead, spend with Ian.

I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days because I don't really understand it. And I don't think that this friend understands either. Especially since he has never been in a relationship in his entire life and has only had hook-ups or one night stands.

He still expects me to spend every waking moment with him and thinks that I'm with Ian every day, even though I am NOT.

To lighten everything, I pretend that Ian gets on my nerves and that we act like an old married couple even though it is quite the opposite. Every now and then, we do get into spats and I pick and choose which ones to tell him about.

The truth is that nobody knows about our relationship the way Ian and I do because it's OUR relationship...not everyone elses.

I know it bothers this friend that I don't see him as often as I used to. Before the paper was such a high priority to me, I saw this friend 3-4 times a week. This turned into once a week. When school got really crazy, that turned into once every two weeks.

I lose count after that...

I can't say that I'm a bad friend because I don't think I am. If I was a bad friend, I wouldn't want to hang out w/ this person at all nor would I schedule in advance days to go to events or whatever.

I just can't imagine what it would be like if I was married.

Will I forever be trying to please everyone else? What about me? What about what makes ME happy? Why can't I just do what I want?

A lot of my friends are very against the idea of me moving out of my house and moving in with Ian even though this isn't going to happen for....a while. I don't get it. I support all of these people in the things they do. They don't need MY permission to live their lives...so why do I need theirs? I need to get out of my house and anyone who has been at my house, knows what my mother subjects me to.

If I lived with Ian, I would get lectured a lot less by my friend and anyone else in general because living with him would be comfortable. I could be with him...or not.

I have a feeling that a lot of people, my family in particular, have this mentality about me being a child. While my friends have this mentality of me being this independent, strong woman who likes being alone.

Nobody likes being alone...ALL of the time. Sometimes it's nice. But having someone you can call your own, even if you argue about the stupidest things, is also nice. Waking up next to somebody who's been waiting for you to wake up for however long is nice.

I love my friends.

I love my family.

But I also love Ian.

Contrary to what some people might think, I do not schedule my life around him but I have designated days for when we see each other and I'm comfortable with this schedule. It's not something that I feel I should change.

I don't schedule my life around anyone but I know that at some point, the time is going to come when I'm going to have to put my foot down with everyone and just scream "this is MY life. I'll do what I want with it! THANKS!"

If I want to spend my weekend with Ian...I shouldn't be put through a guilt trip by anybody.

Everything

Everything that I see reminds me of him.

I hate it when we/I fight.

I hate it when I cry in front of him.

I hate it when I say hurtful things and two seconds later, I realize what I've just said.

But I think more than anything, I hate it when people make me feel bad for wanting to spend my time with him.