"I don't want to be without you."

He told me not to write about this but I just want to touch on that one sentence.

I said that to him a few weeks ago. We were both crying in bed, in the dark.

I almost screwed everything up. Again.

We laid there in silence, just holding onto each other I thought about how my life might be without him and then I got really, really scared.

I guess what I need to remember and remind myself of each day is that before Ian became such a substantial part of my life, everything was dark.

Slowly and slowly, things are starting to lighten up with him around.

I told Miguel that I probably will always have trust issues, that I may not trust any person I ever have a relationship with because I am so scared of getting too comfortable because as soon as you take off your shoes and sit down on the best couch ever, the person sitting next to you might push you off.

I know it's an awful analogy but that's just how I picture it. I don't wanna get pushed! lol

Truth be told, I will have days when I feel under-appreciated and I'm sure he'll feel or has felt the same way. There will be days when I'll feel like the luckiest person in the world. There's gonna be days when I'm not with him and I'll wonder if he's holding somebody else.

I think that sometimes I demand too much or I expect too much from people based on some fantasy I have of "The Perfect Life." Maybe every day can't be perfect and maybe that's how things are supposed to be. Maybe you're supposed to fight every now and then, you're supposed to cry or scream.

I love Ian and I know that he loves me. I just don't want him to get tired of me and I don't want us to turn into some old married couple. Even if we end up as some old married couple, I still don't want that stereotype put on us lol