I've been thinking about this a lot for the past few days because I don't really understand it. And I don't think that this friend understands either. Especially since he has never been in a relationship in his entire life and has only had hook-ups or one night stands.
He still expects me to spend every waking moment with him and thinks that I'm with Ian every day, even though I am NOT.
To lighten everything, I pretend that Ian gets on my nerves and that we act like an old married couple even though it is quite the opposite. Every now and then, we do get into spats and I pick and choose which ones to tell him about.
The truth is that nobody knows about our relationship the way Ian and I do because it's OUR relationship...not everyone elses.
I know it bothers this friend that I don't see him as often as I used to. Before the paper was such a high priority to me, I saw this friend 3-4 times a week. This turned into once a week. When school got really crazy, that turned into once every two weeks.
I lose count after that...
I can't say that I'm a bad friend because I don't think I am. If I was a bad friend, I wouldn't want to hang out w/ this person at all nor would I schedule in advance days to go to events or whatever.
I just can't imagine what it would be like if I was married.
Will I forever be trying to please everyone else? What about me? What about what makes ME happy? Why can't I just do what I want?
A lot of my friends are very against the idea of me moving out of my house and moving in with Ian even though this isn't going to happen for....a while. I don't get it. I support all of these people in the things they do. They don't need MY permission to live their lives...so why do I need theirs? I need to get out of my house and anyone who has been at my house, knows what my mother subjects me to.
If I lived with Ian, I would get lectured a lot less by my friend and anyone else in general because living with him would be comfortable. I could be with him...or not.
I have a feeling that a lot of people, my family in particular, have this mentality about me being a child. While my friends have this mentality of me being this independent, strong woman who likes being alone.
Nobody likes being alone...ALL of the time. Sometimes it's nice. But having someone you can call your own, even if you argue about the stupidest things, is also nice. Waking up next to somebody who's been waiting for you to wake up for however long is nice.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
But I also love Ian.
Contrary to what some people might think, I do not schedule my life around him but I have designated days for when we see each other and I'm comfortable with this schedule. It's not something that I feel I should change.
I don't schedule my life around anyone but I know that at some point, the time is going to come when I'm going to have to put my foot down with everyone and just scream "this is MY life. I'll do what I want with it! THANKS!"
If I want to spend my weekend with Ian...I shouldn't be put through a guilt trip by anybody.
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