Real update/day 19

I know I haven't done a real update in a while so here goes. Things between Ian and I have been going well lately. I'm really starting to hate my job again because I constantly feel as though everything I do or say is wrong but I don't hate it enough to quit or look for another place of employment. I think things will get better with time because certain aspects of the job that I didn't like, aren't as bad anymore. My mom has a new boyfriend and even though they just met three weeks ago, they started telling each other they loved one another after about three days - no, I'm not exaggerating.

This is the first "serious" relationship my mom's attempted to hold onto since my dad died. In general, she's a needy person so when she doesn't get the attention she wants, she becomes a totally different person. I'm getting more and more nervous about moving out because I don't know how she's going to react. A large part of me thinks she'll sell the house and that will cause a huge argument between the two of us because a bunch of my baby clothes and toys are upstairs and a lot of my dad's stuff is still up there. I grew up in this house. I've been living here for more than 14 years. I know she's going to go and tell my family how terrible of a daughter I am and I will therefore get the never ending guilt trip from my cousins and probably some of my aunts and uncles.

I miss being in school already. I definitely want to go back next semester. Today I was on the bus and was jealous of a girl who had a bag representing her college downtown and realized, "I DO NOT want to be working at this pet food store for the rest of my life...I want a job that's gonna make me happy." Yesterday when I woke up, I just KNEW it was going to be bad at work (and it was) and I practically begged Ian to let me stay over again last night. It's a good thing I did because if I were to originally come home as planned, I probably would've cried for a while and felt sorry for myself the whole night. Ian is usually the last person to stress me out or put me in a bad mood and that's why I wanted to stay with him, as opposed to going home and dealing with my mom.

This girl wrote something on Tumblr about how her boyfriend saves all of the stuff she's written to him in a box. Often times, I feel like Ian doesn't appreciate me as much as I'd like or that he doesn't want me around but I know for a fact that he holds onto the stuff I write for him. He has his own way of showing how he loves me and I'm beginning to understand that more and more. If there's such a thing as your heart smiling, I guess that's what I experienced this weekend with him. It was his birthday on Saturday. On Friday, we went to House of Sushi with his mom and saw The Expendables. I did not get salmonella poisoning (Thank God!). We later discovered that House of Sushi delivers so I'm sure that some time soon, we'll be getting that. On Thursday, my mom's boyfriend is supposed to come over and the four of us are SUPPOSED to have dinner but I don't know if that's going to happen now since she seemed to screw things up again. I may have a private talk with him because I don't really like this roller coaster of emotions she's on and I just want to tell him that I want both of them to be happy and how hard it is for me to come home and see her like this.

Day 19: Nicknames you have; why do you have them?

The only stable nickname I have is a shorter version of my real name...I'm assuming people use this because there's less syllables.

Day 18

Day 18: Plans/Dreams/Goals you have.

In January, I want to go back to school. After this paycheck, I'm going to start saving for school and when I'm done saving for school, I'm going to save whatever I can for an apartment with Ian.

I want to bring up my GPA and go to a good school and not just settle for less because I've been doing that my entire life and I deserve to go to a good school and get good grades because I know I'm capable of doing that.

I want to get a teaching job, have a stable income, continue living with Ian and eventually get married.

Honestly, I'll be happy just as long as I get out of this house.

Day 17

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Probably Ian. I'd just like to see what it's like to be him and act like him. I never know what he's thinking or feeling unless I ask and I've just always been interested in how men think and act.

Day 16 (since it's after midnight)

Day 16: Another picture of yourself.

You can totally tell that I'm just trying to get this "day ____" thing over with and it's because I found a better one to do but I don't wanna give up on this one.

Had a good day today. Back to work tomorrow. I had five days off in a row and if I wasn't dirt poor, I probably would have gone on a trip or something. It was pretty relaxing but I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I have to work at 10 tomorrow, which is going to be really hard for me to do since I've been going to bed later than usual but thankfully, it's a short shift and for my longer one (Sunday I work 9 hours...ew..), Ian will be there to make sure I go to bed at a proper time. Who wants to work on a Sunday? It's supposed to be the day of rest!

I've started writing a book. I have plenty of ideas for other books but I want to finish this one first. I don't want to publish it. I just want to be able to read it to my kids before they go to bed each night and eventually have them read it their kids.

Day 15

Day 15: Put your iPod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.

1. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple

2. Whatsername - Green Day

3. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

4. 21 things I want in a lover - Alanis Morissette

5. Motown Philly - Boys 2 Men

6. To Sir, With Love - Glee Cast

7. Beautiful Love - The Afters

8. Billy Brown - MIKA

9. You Really Got a Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson

10. Friend Like Me - Aladdin

What do you do when you're with someone you think you're madly in love with and you can feel them slipping away?

Day 14

Day 14: A picture of you and your family.

One day. Hopefully. He's the closest thing I have to a family, anyway. Even though we run into our occasional problems, Ian is probably the most understanding person I know. He's a man of few words - most of them are. But he's always there when I need him.

I think that's what family is.

Day 13

Day 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

You're selfish and insensitive. That's all I really feel right now. Have fun with that.

Day 12 and tough weekend

Day twelve: How you found out about Blogger and why you made one.

I feel like I already answered this one. Anyways, I've known about the website for years. Someone I knew at the time had one. I made this more recent one because I wanted to write about my life and the different restaurants Ian and I visit.

It was a rough weekend, to say the least. A lot of crying. And I wasn't PMSing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I want too much or if I'm right for feeling the way I did. I guess I just feel like I don't mean anything. Like, my existence in his life wouldn't make much of a difference. He says that's not true and I guess that's all I can go on. I envy girls who wake up to emails from their boyfriends talking about how much they mean to them or just a simple "I miss you." Little things like that don't exist in our relationship anymore.

When we first started dating, Ian had all of these different things to say about us being together or about me. And I only remember this because I wrote them down in an old journal that I ended up burning because I got tired of my mom going through my stuff. And now it seems that since we've been together for over a year, there's no need to say such nice things anymore. The only time he tells me he misses me is after I've told him I miss him first. Sure, he checks up on me during the day and sends me facebook and text messages but I guess I just miss the things he used to say. He's so comfortable that I guess saying those types of things doesn't matter anymore.

I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and I know that I drive him nuts and I also know that I'm only hurting both of us when I become a tyrant for the day. But at the same time, am I supposed to accept that this is what our life together will be or should I say something and try to fix things before we both end up just being the type of couple that's together because they feel like they can't do any better? That's the last thing I want. I want us to be together because we're in love and because we both want the same things in life, NOT because we're too lazy to look for new partners or because we're settling for one another. I want the real deal and I'm beginning to wonder if that's what he wants anymore.

The only reason why I end up throwing fits like the two I threw this weekend is because his emotions are unreadable. I look at him and I can never tell what he's thinking and it drives me up the wall. What's funny is that I used to KNOW that he loved me unconditionally and I used to KNOW that he missed me and now I'm always second guessing everything. It's best not to think about it because I just get upset all over again (it's happening as I sit here typing). Relationships are so difficult. I guess what also hurt and kept me up crying even longer than I should have was that I laid there in bed, pouring my heart out, telling him how often I think of him, how much he means to me, and he was just so tired...I don't think he even remembers what I said.

I always miss him when he's not with me. I always wonder what he's doing. He's the most important person in my life. I would do anything for him. I think of him when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. And I doubt that he feels the same way I do. I know he loves me but I also know that he has so much other stuff going on that I'm not always on his priority list and I get that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm accepting behavior that should only be acceptable when we're an older couple. Not when we're both in our twenties, dating for just over a year.

I know that men have difficulty expressing how they feel. And I also know that sometimes when he looks at me, I can just tell that he loves and cares for me a lot. I guess I just need to hear it...because that's how stubborn I am.

A big part of why I don't want us to break up is because...I know what my life was like before he was in it and it just wasn't great. And I've never been with anyone who was as understanding as Ian is or could make me laugh the way he does. His hand is always there to hold mine. And I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him. What really keeps me going is knowing that there are so many people out there who truly have difficult and challenging relationships and marriages...We don't have it so bad. I just constantly need drama in my life.

Over the past year, Ian has become my best friend. I confide in him and I trust him. And even if I'm right (I'm not) and he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him, he's gonna be stuck with me until he decides enough is enough or until I do something really idiotic.

Day 11

Day Eleven: Another picture of you and your friends

I love this picture, even though I look terrible. We were burning issues of our school newspaper. It was a "We're done with the paper" party. Some of the pages actually turned green when they fell into the...bbq. I forgot what we were all laughing at but I'm sure it was pretty funny.

Day 10

Day ten: Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

I don't have particular songs I listen to when I'm in those moods but I do have particular bands and artists I listen to.

When I'm mad, I listen to Regina Spektor and Green Day. I also listen to the soundtrack to Garden State.

When I'm sad, I listen to theater music. I.e. Hairspray, Grease, Jersey Boys, Wicked, etc.

When I'm bored, I don't listen to music. I go do stuff.

When I'm hyped, I listen to dance music.

When I'm happy, I listen to EVERYTHING.

Day 9

Day nine: Something you're proud of in the past few days.

I'm proud of the fact that we just made our one year anniversary. I've never been in this long of a stable relationship. I dated someone off and on for four years and we never celebrated an anniversary. Not one. That had a lot to do with the fact that we spent more time arguing and less time being happy.

Ian and I have been through a lot I guess. I'm really happy with him and I'm glad that we had a good anniversary. He took me to the Garfield Conservatory. We went to dinner later. I wore a dress - this never happens, by the way. I had scallops for the first time. Ian would not let me bring my camera with to the restaurant because he said "it's not THAT kind of restaurant." Whatever that means. I should have brought it because I had one of the most amazing meals of my life, thanks to him. And I wish I had the photos to prove it. I have to go back to work tomorrow. Apparently, I don't take enough "initiative." I had to ask about my progress to get an actual answer so tomorrow I'm going to take as much initiative as possible. It's difficult to do it on your own when there are almost always people shadowing you and talking over you. It's also difficult when you walk into the store, you clock in and you are IMMEDIATELY given jobs to do. Maybe...give me a second to do it myself. There are a lot of things wrong with the way the people in this store do things.

One day I'll write a book. I'll probably start it now just so everything's fresh in my memory. I don't want to get into it too much on here and there's a lot that I don't tell Ian because I know he's getting tired of me complaining - I'm getting tired of me complaining too but what can you do? Back to the grind tomorrow.

Day 8

Day eight: Short term goals for this month and why.

• Continue doing well at work (short term and long term I suppose) - because I want to keep this job for a very, very, very, very long time.
• Continue making time for Miguel - because he's my best friend and I do love him.
  
• Stop taking Ian for granted and stop thinking so many bad things just because there are a few bad days - because otherwise I will lose him to someone else or he will just finally reach his breaking point with me and decide he's better off alone. I do love you more than anything and I know that you love me just as much, if not more.
• Visit Lety - she's my cousin and she's pretty much the only family member I have that I can REALLY talk to. She's never judged me and she's really easy to get along with. I always confided in her as a teenager and I find myself talking to her about my family and getting move in/relationship advice from her.
• Finish my Roseanne/The Nanny youtube marathon - I can do it. I've done it before. Currently on Season 3 of Roseanne but I just started watching Full House today so I may drop The Nanny for that show. They're all cheesy and stupid but so am I.
• Visit a few of these hot dog places that Ian and I both want to go to - because while I had no income and no job, we both sent each other links to food places and now I finally have the money to take him to them.
• Speaking of food - Start writing about food in my...food blog - because that's why I made this stupid thing anyways. So here goes:

HOUSE OF SUSHI AND NOODLES

1610 W. Belmont Ave.

Chicago, IL.

I've never REALLY had sushi before. Occasionally, my mother would bring home terrible sushi from Jewel and I'd usually spit it out. One time, my friend made sushi from home and made me try it and I liked it...but this place took me for a big surprise. If you live in Chicago, you may be familiar with a huge intersection at Belmont, Ashland and Lincoln? (I think..) There is a small corridor with a big yellow sign that says "House of Sushi and Noodles." Upon entering, the restaurant honestly looks like a piece of crap if you're not into that 'home-y' feeling that many old school restaurants still share today. It smells weird too. It may be mold, it may be the fish. It might just be some of the douche bags that venture into the restaurant itself who MAY have spent the entire day drinking or at a Cubs game and decided "I want to go to the sushi buffet at House of sushi and noodles."

But when taken to our table, I found that the restaurant went very far back and the owners have found a way to mix their old school Japanese decor with new school interior decorating. The food was just....amazing. We got a number of different rolls and decided to go with the buffet. It's $15.95, you have to order two different types of rolls and you have to finish everything off of your plate before you leave or else they charge you (supposedly). I went on yelp and apparently, this doesn't sit well with a lot of people. It might be my connection to the Asian stingy culture or just the fact that I respect all restaurant establishments but I didn't think this was a big deal. Seriously. You are getting some mind blowing sushi, all you can eat, high quality and good service for the low price of $15.95. Don't complain.

Among the two or three rounds of buffet that Ian and I went through we ordered the following rolls:

Chicago Crazy Maki - Tuna, yellow tail, salmon, crab with lettuce, masago, cucumber. Wasn't too fond of this one but it was one of the first times I've ever had RAW fish so I'm willing to give it another shot. I will admit that the fish was VERY fresh, very easy to chew, not too strong of an odor or flavor.

Spider Maki - Soft shell crab tempura with avocado, cucumber, masago and mayo. I did enjoy this one a lot. I've never had soft shell crab before and if you haven't either, I STRONGLY recommend it. The flavor of the soft shell crab with the different veggies is something I can't really describe.

Godzilla Maki - Shrimp tempura, cream cheese (it's not as odd as it sounds), avocado, green onion, masago with spicy sauce, crunch batter. Basically, the shrimp tempura is the best thing ever invented. I don't know what it is about having it wrap around the sea weed, but it really just makes you feel like you are eating fried healthy food (if that makes ANY sense). It's the best of both worlds - you can eat something that's breaded and juicy and deliciously healthy all at the same time. I didn't care for the spicy sauce but that's because I can't handle anything spicy unless hot cheetos are involved.

Florida Maki - Smoked salmon, crab, masago, crunch batter, avocado and cucumber. This was the final roll that I ordered and I couldn't finish it because I was so full and I'll explain why in the next paragraph but let me tell you something, the combination of the smoked salmon, crab and masago was like this sweet explosion in your mouth (gross). I loved it but not as much as I loved...

Miami Maki - Deep fried with tempura batter, shrimp, crab, cream cheese, cucumber and masago. Okay........I liked this one so much that I ordered it twice so I practically ate like 8 to 10 pieces of it within an hour. This maki fucking (excuse my language) rocked my face, as I said that night. Each time I ate it, and Ian will attest to this, I banged my fist on the table because it was just so amazing. I loved the tempura batter. I probably would've really enjoyed the Godzilla Maki if the spicy stuff wasn't in it (it wasn't even that spicy, I just don't like the stuff) because they were very similar in taste. The Florida Maki was interesting because of the smoked salmon but the Miami Maki is THE perfect sushi.

I definitely plan on going back again and I think Ian wants to go there for his birthday, which is at the end of this month. I'm really glad that I found the place and that we were finally able to go.

Our anniversary is on Friday, the 6th. Official one year anniversary. He has stuff planned, I don't know what but I'm leaving it in his hands and I'm excited about whatever he's gonna do because neither of us really likes planning things or deciding on what to do. On a lighter note, I'm kind of sick. My body does feel off but earlier I was a complete wreck. Temperature of 101.2, I vomited - which I haven't done in a long time at least not the way I did tonight. I know that that's gross but it's a blog. Give me a break. I stayed in bed the majority of the day, fell asleep for two hours. I'm going to have more soup before I go to bed and might even take a bath.

Day 7

Day seven: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

There are some days when I feel like strangling him or throwing in the towel but most days, I can't imagine what my life would be without him. I don't always know what he's thinking or how he's feeling and then I convince myself that he isn't thinking or feeling anything for me and I get upset. But I love him. I've never met anyone like him...sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. I think of him right before I make any kind of decision. I don't know where I stand with him but he's the most important person in my life. I know that no man/woman/relationship is perfect so I try to take as much as I can with a grain of salt. I worry that one day, I may walk away because of my tendency to screw things up but I do love him with everything I am and everything I have.