Ian's kitten

I don't know if I mentioned the fact that I purchased a kitten for Ian a couple weeks ago as an early Christmas present...so here's the story.

I found an ad on craigslist - a woman was trying to sell two kittens she could no longer care for. One was a tabby and one was orange. I emailed her and she told me that the orange one was still available. He was cute. Both are only six months old.

Throughout the next two days, the woman and I kept corresponding as she told me about his health, where she got him from, that he had been taken to the vet, what his eating habits were like, how active and how laid back he was, etc.

Finally the day arrived for me to be able to come and see him. She wasn't home. It was snowing. It was cold. Ian and I were standing outside for like 40 minutes. Then she goes "oh wait...let me see if my roommate is home."

.........THANKS.

We get inside and the orange cat gets really skiddish around Ian. Then we see this smaller tabby cat.

"Oh...I thought he was getting adopted?" I asked.

"Is he?? As far as I know he still needs a home...do you want me to find out?" Roommate asked.

Sure, I said.

Turns out that the tabby cat still needs a home. While we are attempting to get the orange cat into the crate, the tabby cat goes in all by himself and just makes himself at home on top of the towels. He doesn't run away from Ian, he lets us hold him, rubs up against us. Meanwhile, the orange one was just like "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE???" Needless to say, he was freaking out.

The roommate tells us that even though there is someone INTERESTED in adopting the tabby cat, he still needs a home so Ian and I decide to steal him instead.

We felt bad for the orange cat but he was just really skiddish and wasn't into the idea of going home with us. Meanwhile, his brother was excited and lovable.

He's doing really well. Already growing a lot and I think that the owner was feeding him people food since he's always trying to eat whatever I have in my hands and will sometimes stick his nose up at the food we bought him.

His name is Flynn and he's adorable. I get so excited when I go over to see Ian because now I have two reasons to go over there. He always ends up on my left side when I sleep there..I always find him underneath the blanket using my leg as a pillow/heating pad.

Ian and the holidays

There are times when I question whether or not Ian and I are good for one another, whether we should stay together or just break it off and go our separate ways, and then there are times when I don't know what I would do without him.

Even though we fight about stupid things, which I am usually responsible for, he's always there when I need him.

When my family ignores me and makes it clear that they don't need or want me around, he's there.

When my mom is yelling at me about something that I didn't do, he's there.

When I feel like I'm totally being taken for granted by everyone, he finds a way to turn it all around.

I'm thankful that I have him and Juan and Miguel and all of my other friends who are always there for me even if I'm not always there.

For the first time in a while, I actually sat down and talked to my mom. I always try to avoid conversation with her but I found a way to talk to her without wanting to rip her face off.

moving

I wish I had the courage to tell my mother that I'm moving out so that she could just kick me out now and get it over with.

I do not want to spend Christmas with her. I want to be with my friends and Ian, who really feel like family.

Every year I tell myself "I'm not coming to this stupid party next year".....but I do it anyways because I don't want anyone having more reason not to like me and I also don't want to let my mom down, despite how bad she treats me or has treated me in the past.

But I really feel that starting next year, I'm gonna pass out our presents and leave shortly after midnight and just be with Ian because that is when I'm truly happy.

The majority (not all) of my family does not care about me as much as I'd like them to. It's always evident around my birthdays and on holidays. People just pretend to like me to my face.

I still don't know what I've done to them and I'll probably never know.

At this point, I really don't care.

I wish I could spend the holidays with Juan, Samson, Ian, Miguel and Laura. That's what I really want.

Day 10

Day 10: One confession

I don't think I have much time left. I've been feeling this way for a few months now. Nobody else seems to be taking it as serious as I am. People just shrug it off and tell me I'm being "silly." In a way, death would be a sweet relief from the daily struggle.

Day 9

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

:]

:/ (because I'm tired)

Day 8

Day 8: Three turn ons

1. Make me feel like I matter.

2. Surprise me.

3. Don't be afraid to introduce me to people.

It doesn't feel like Christmas to me.

I hate living here...I think this is why I get depressed. I really just want to leave right now.

Day 7

Day seven: Four turn offs

1. No spontaneity. If you can't surprise me with things or buy me flowers or something on just a NORMAL day...it just bothers me a lot. It would be nice to know that I'm appreciated. Sometimes just saying "I appreciate you" isn't enough.

2. LOUDLY burping or farting and thinking it's the funniest thing in the world. It's not funny. It's pretty gross and even though we all do it, it's not something that deserves praise lol

3. Acting like you can't stand being around me when we're in public. Try to at least pretend you are happy.

4. Lying. Just...don't do it. It will make me more angry in the end.

Day 6

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.

1. My dad. He might not be here anymore but I still think of him often, especially when I see families together. There are many times when I stop and wonder what my life would be like if he was still around.

2. Miguel.

3. Juan.

4. Samson.

5. Ian.

The majority (more like...all) of my close friends are men because they have never let me down. Girls always get caught up in the bullshit, at least the girls that I've known have done that. They're good to talk to when you have boy problems but talking to a guy about guy problems is easier because they GET what you're talking about since they've done it, have friends who have done it or have been in that situation with a girl before. I have never had a guy friend who let me down or wasn't there for me just because he had a date or a girlfriend. In the past, I have felt that girls are much less reliable than guys because when they become attached to someone, they disappear off the face of the earth. I don't want or need friends like that.

sleep

I hate sleeping without you.

In fact, the reason why I think I stay up so late on the nights I'm home is because you're not here with me. By the time I finally get into my bed, I'm beyond exhausted - it usually takes about 30 - 60 seconds for me to fall asleep. Typically, it should take a person anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes to fall asleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night and reach out but you aren't there.

Whenever I sleep at your apartment, I'll reach out. If I can't feel you, I open my eyes really fast and pull you close to me and kiss you, even if it means waking you up for a few seconds.

Sometimes I wonder if you're glad I'm not there sleeping next to you because it means that no one will steal your blankets, push you off/hog the bed or use the "good" pillows.

I don't want to go to sleep because I know you're not going to be next to me in the morning, snoring like a monster.

Day 5

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.

1. Spent more time at the paper than I did at the hospital with my father. Even though he wasn't dying yet, now that I look back, that time was very precious...He was still around and he was still healthy compared to the condition he was in when he died. I should have just said "fuck it" and went to the hospital to be with him.

2. Never let the most insignificant people get the best of me or get under my skin.

3. Left Nemo with my mom that Friday. I still feel responsible for his death and it's because I never got to say good bye and I can't help but wonder if he was lying on that cold metal table thinking that I didn't love him enough to be there.

4. Cried in front of my boss last week.

5. Told people I was only taking the fall semester off. I should have said "I'm taking time off. Indefinitely. I need to save money. That's my explanation. No more questions." I've decided to also take the spring semester off since it's been damn near impossible to save for school so I think that since moving with Ian is getting closer, I will be A LOT more motivated and disciplined to save money for a place. After we are settled in, I will save for school. And I will use moving and school as my motivation to work my ass off at my job. Always try my best from now on.

6. Allow my mother to keep me from going to a good college. Since I was stupid and went to a bad high school, I didn't know about full scholarships or loans that I could take out. At the time, I didn't qualify for financial aid because my mom made too much money and that's all I knew of. I didn't know that people would pay for my entire education no questions asked. I wish I knew then what I know now.