I'm so tired of being poor. It makes me want to cry.

Ian and Flynn

I'm totally going to print and frame this picture of them together.

I just want to turn the lights off and hide underneath the blankets all day.

who knows

Weeks ago, Juan asked me "What's one thing you'd like to do before you die?"

I told him that I would like to see Paris. He scoffed at me. This is probably one of those times when he didn't realize that he was coming off as rude and didn't mean to scoff, but he did. It could've gone one of two ways: 1. If my heart was REALLY set on going to Paris, I could have punched Juan in the face or somewhere equally as painful and walked out of the Borders or 2. I would have realized later on that Juan scoffed at me.

It was the latter.

Anyways, he responded with the scoff and then said, "EVERYBODY picks travel."

I've probably written about this before but if I haven't then here's what I have to say...and if you already read it too bad.

We pick travel because it's so easy to imagine a place where all of your problems instantly disappear, where you are in this foreign land (literally), surrounded by complete strangers who can't harm you, can't tell you what to do (unless they work for airport security or something similar to that), and can't stop you from seeing whatever it is that you're there to see. It's easy to dream up a place where you can just...RELAX.

There are plenty of things I'd like to accomplish before I die, on a realistic level. Sometimes I feel like Juan is still just a big kid. Sometimes his dreams are very similar to that of a child and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just not my style and who am I to say "No Juan, you cannot go to space camp." Juan can go to space camp if he wants to...but as far as I know, that is not on his bucket list.

Anyways, the more I think about it, the more I want to take some improv classes at the university of my choosing. I could either be REALLY good at it or fail miserably. At parties, I avoid talking to people as much as possible because I'm socially awkward but when I do decide to talk, I can grab the attention of everyone who is within ear range of my voice and they all laugh at my jokes. I'm really good at roasting on people, specifically my mother and Ian. I know that if I ever went through with this and accomplished my goal of performing stand up in some dive bar, I would have to get the approval of Ian (my mom can suck it. she won't be there lol) and I would probably change his name, just to save him any embarrassment from the 4 or so strangers that may be there watching me make a fool of myself. Anyways, yeah, so I would like to take some improv classes, find a way to get rid of my stage fright and also find a way to work that into my stand up routine if I decided to do a set at a poopy bar and just get that out of the way.

I am not conventional...by any means. I don't REALLY want to be a teacher but I DO want to make a difference in the world and it all starts with kids, in my opinion. I so wish that I had someone in my corner saying, "Yes Vicki, you can be a singer if you really want to. Go for that dream. Don't let ANYONE stop you, not even you." Honestly...who KNOWS where I would be if I had that type of encouragement in my life? I was very competitive at a young age and I knew I wanted to sing and nobody knew what I was capable of. My parents didn't know I could really sing until I was 18 years old.

I'm not stupid. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of and to be honest, if I had received the encouragement and support that parents and teachers are supposed to give children, I would probably be in New York or California right now recording my second or third CD. That's the life I really want. I want to sing on stage and be successful. I see so many artists who don't deserve to be on the radio because they don't have unique voices or they have to use auto-tune and all of these other special effects to make people WANT to buy their music and then I go to a karaoke bar or I organize a rock concert and people stop and listen. And for one split second, I get to reach people in the way I always wanted to and imagine that I'm at Carnegie Hall or The Met. It's just a hobby now. I don't have enough ambition, nor do I have the ability or time to write my own songs and get them out there.

But who knows?...Who knows what I could have been if I had received encouragement?

Anyways, teaching is stable....for now. I always seem to pick struggling careers (i.e. singing, writing, photography, etc.).

I'm not an ordinary girl and I wasn't meant to live an ordinary life.

I love........

Community

...I really don't want it to get cancelled. Don't burst my bubble, Ian.

Your dreams are way....way...way...way, way, way, way, way beyond reach.

It's okay to dream but it's not okay to exist in life as a day dreamer.

moving on up...hopefully.

I told my mother that I'm moving out in March/April.

She cried. As usual.

She says she's supportive of me and all of that but who knows what she's really going to do or say to my family.

She's not going to stop me or hold me down this time.

My mother and I have never gotten along and there have been so many instances when I wished I was somewhere else. I specifically remember being around 13 years old, after getting into a huge argument with my parents, I sat in my room in the dark and closed my eyes and imagined that I was placed in a home with loving parents and a brother or sister to give me advice and hang out with me.

When I tell the majority of people about the dynamic between my mom and I, they don't understand it. There are always a small percentage of people who get it...I mean...they REALLY get it. I always thought I was alone in this but as an adult, I have realized that we all lean on each other for support and that's what helps me get through things.

I need boxes...lots and lots of boxes. I wish I didn't love books and movies so much, my moving life would be a lot easier.

I'm really excited now. Ian is a nervous wreck but I'm ecstatic. Things are going to be so much better for us and I really can't wait to start the next chapter of my life with him.

why do I do stuff like this lol

I just read a blog post that Ian wrote....almost...TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO.

I don't know why I do this. It's silly.

About a year and a half ago, I found this blog and it almost broke us up. Just the stuff that was written in it. It really made me question why Ian was with me and if he was thinking "she's just disgusting" whenever we spent time together.

To be honest, that blog is probably why I still have body image issues and why I try to leave him from time to time - I know he can do better than me and since he seldom says that he's happy with how I look or compliments me apart from "you look nice, fool" I can't help but think that he is unhappy with who I am.

I don't feel like that at this very minute but there are definitely times when I'm sitting next to him wishing I could hear the thoughts in his head.

I've decided that whenever we plan on getting married, I'm going to lose as much weight as I can so that I don't look ridiculous in a white dress.

The truth is that I have two scenarios I'd be happy with if we ever got married. 1. I want a big wedding at a hall with lots of people and good food and dancing or 2. we go to an island, bring our wedding license with and just be alone aka elope. The older I get, the more I lean towards the second option since I really don't want to deal with who needs to be included and who doesn't need to be included, who is going to eat what and blah blah blah.

I don't want to think about it.

And I don't want to officially get married until I'm in my late 20's, early 30's. And the truth is that the longer we wait, the less likely we would are to get divorced. I want forever with him and I'm willing to wait until...whenever to get that.

Tomorrow I'm telling my mother that I'm moving out. Wish me luck......psh.

I can't wait until I can fill our apartment with framed photos of us, our family members, friends, pets next to candles that smell like vanilla..or cupcakes.

We need furniture...

One of my biggest fears regarding parenthood: my child will hate me as much as I hate my mother.

It's probably one of the biggest reasons why I don't want to become a parent.

It is always interesting to hear what Ian has to say about the first time we met. As many times as we've discussed it, I don't think either of us ever gets tired of hearing one another's first impressions.

I have a friend who's going through a tough time right now. He says practically everyone he knows is in a relationship. I have been there and I also know that that's not a good reason to get into a relationship and I have unfortunately made the mistake of jumping into one just because I wanted to be like everybody else.

I just hope that my friend knows that I'm here and that I'll always be here. I also know for a fact that there are a bunch of people who are just as supportive, if not more than me.

I love Ian. We have good times and bad times. We always find a way to get through the rough patches. When I broke up with him for a day, as short a time that was, it really brought some perspective into my life. I thought "maybe I don't REALLY need him" as I walked out of his building, crying, listening to depressing music. I cried the whole night. I cried myself to sleep. I cried the next day. And what kept making me cry was the fact that I knew I wouldn't have someone to fall asleep with anymore, I wouldn't have someone's hand to hold anymore, I wouldn't be able to kiss him anymore or feel his embrace. I knew and still know that I do need him in my life.

We got lucky. Well, I got lucky. He puts up with a lot of nonsense from me and I really should be more thankful. I'm trying, but it's difficult.

We are moving forward with the...move. We're moving in together in April and we're going to start looking at places and making appointments later this month. I've been waiting almost a year for this so I'm excited.

...My mom is watching The Cape. We watched it last night. It was poopy.

"home"

I HATE living here.

I want to leave. Right now.

My mom is the fakest person on the planet and is only happy when there is a man in her life, giving her the least bit of attention.