I don't know why I do this. It's silly.
About a year and a half ago, I found this blog and it almost broke us up. Just the stuff that was written in it. It really made me question why Ian was with me and if he was thinking "she's just disgusting" whenever we spent time together.
To be honest, that blog is probably why I still have body image issues and why I try to leave him from time to time - I know he can do better than me and since he seldom says that he's happy with how I look or compliments me apart from "you look nice, fool" I can't help but think that he is unhappy with who I am.
I don't feel like that at this very minute but there are definitely times when I'm sitting next to him wishing I could hear the thoughts in his head.
I've decided that whenever we plan on getting married, I'm going to lose as much weight as I can so that I don't look ridiculous in a white dress.
The truth is that I have two scenarios I'd be happy with if we ever got married. 1. I want a big wedding at a hall with lots of people and good food and dancing or 2. we go to an island, bring our wedding license with and just be alone aka elope. The older I get, the more I lean towards the second option since I really don't want to deal with who needs to be included and who doesn't need to be included, who is going to eat what and blah blah blah.
I don't want to think about it.
And I don't want to officially get married until I'm in my late 20's, early 30's. And the truth is that the longer we wait, the less likely we would are to get divorced. I want forever with him and I'm willing to wait until...whenever to get that.
Tomorrow I'm telling my mother that I'm moving out. Wish me luck......psh.
Luck!
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