change.

It's amazing how 3 1/2 years can make such a difference. I was looking through an old account of a social networking site I was on because of one or two of my school friends. And I don't remember much but I do remember not liking it at all because it was so much like MySpace but it was put together very poorly. It was hard for me to use and I never really took the time to learn how to use it efficiently.

I went through a feed of comments between me and one of my closest friends at the time. And as I wrote Colin in an email a few minutes ago, that friend and I were so mean to each other. It just makes me think about how I was and who I've become and what got me to where I am. I know that I had a big chip on my shoulder because my dad died six months before then. I also know that I didn't really take it upon myself to explain my situation to people so that they could better understand what I was going through.

I still look back on my dad's death and remember that two of my closest friends basically turned their backs on me. I have always felt that any relationship is a two way street; you gotta give a little and take a little.

I remember how angry I was at the two of them. I knew that they were saying hurtful things about me but looking back, I also know that I said many hurtful things to them and about them and others. I think the reason why I backlashed on so many people who were close to me was because they didn't understand and they didn't want to try and understand what I was going through. Only one of my friends had lost his father and he often talked to me about what he went through when his dad died and how he once hit something so hard, he was walking down the street to the hospital leaving a trail of blood. I remember thinking that I had not gone that far but now I feel like instead of being physically violent I was just being emotionally violent towards myself and to the people closest to me.

Because of what I went through and because my friend never really took the time to sit me down and understand how I was feeling and instead told me I needed therapy and medication, our friendship has never and will never be the same. I'm sure that all I think about is how she talked about me, even to my mother at my own birthday party, and all she thinks about is how angry I was at everyone and blamed everybody else for my own problems and did nothing but drove people away from me.

It's hard to think that people have changed when you don't give them the opportunity to show that they're different people now.

Because of my depression and my grieving, I also lost Colin about a year after my dad's death. So for about two years we were not a part of each other's lives and as I told him, I really regret it. I wish I could go back and repair our friendship. I think of how I treated him and I don't blame him for walking out of my life. Back then, I couldn't figure it out and didn't think I'd done anything wrong but with contemplation, I did realize that it was basically impossible for people to be friends with me.

I try explaining to people what a mess I was but they don't understand the severity of the situation or what I was feeling. People who were right there, watching me fall apart, still don't understand why I was the way I was and still hold it against me. I remember what pissed me off the most was when someone told me NOT to be emotional about it and I just sat there thinking "okay, well when your dad dies, who you are obviously really close to, we'll talk then." He thought and still thinks he knows everything because he was in the army. What's unfortunate is that the two of us will never be friends and we'll never be able to patch things up because we're both really stubborn people who can't admit when we've done wrong.

And at the same time, I think about Juan and Miguel and Laura. I think of how Laura came into my life less than a year after my dad died and even though she saw what I was going through, she stood by me. She never understood how people could just turn their backs on me, even after I explained how awful I'd been. I think about how Juan always listened to me or let me cry without judging me. He was and still is the only friend I have who will talk to me without passing any judgment. I've never had a friend do that for me and I'm thankful that he became a part of my life when everyone else was treating me like shit. And even though Miguel didn't fully understand how I was feeling until his grandfather passed away, he was always there for me. No matter how angry or depressed I was. He always found a way to make me laugh and forget about everything else for a few minutes.

I keep looking back and I don't know how I would have survived without them. The three of them specifically always pushed me in the right direction and really, in the end, helped with my recovery process.