Can't sleep.

I can hear Ian lightly snoring in the bedroom, which means I have about half an hour or so to myself and to writing.
I often read books or watch films/tv shows where the partners end up being so sick or annoyed by the other one and then I find myself in that same situation as the character - wondering how I ended up here or why he does or says certain things..or in most cases, says nothing.
I have had a number of unsuccessful relationships, as well as a number of unsuccessful pursuits. I keep thinking about that small survey I did yesterday and every now and then, I think about how different my life would have been if certain things had changed or worked out for me in one way or another. I'll never know why I wasn't good enough and it's such a shame that I will wonder about it for the rest of my life.
I never thought I'd be here. Living with someone. I'm 24 years old and I will probably end up spending the rest of my life with Ian. Sometimes it's something that I'm happy about and other times, not so much and I'm sure he feels the same way. There are many times when he chooses not to say anything to me and then I have no other choice but to read his tweets to see what kind of mood he's in, which when we get right down to it is absolute nonsense.
Sometimes I feel like with each passing moment, Ian makes the choice not to say things to me. With more and more time, he becomes more and more quiet. And I feel completely helpless. I want to help. I want to know what's bothering him. I want to know what he's happy or excited about. I want to know why he's stressed out. I want to know why he's annoyed.
But the majority of the time, I get nothing. And attempts at getting him to talk about his feelings are similar to trying to pull teeth with a pair of tweezers.
It's too late for me to leave. We have both invested too much in this relationship. And I don't always want to leave. Sometimes I think we'd be better off without each other and other times I think about the moments in life when he's not there, wishing that he was.
I wish he was more supportive and talkative. I wish that if we were at a birthday party for a 10 year old, he could say to me "I feel awful. Can we go home?" Instead of nodding slowly as if I'm speaking a foreign language when I ask him if he's ready to go home..like he's the child and I'm the parent.
I wish that he would tell me he WANTS to go somewhere or WANTS to be there for me instead of "I'll go because I know it's important to you." I never hear "I WANT to do this for you." I often feel like I get no support from him, in that respect.
My family doesn't understand me and probably never will. I'm extremely socially awkward and they have no interest in trying to figure out why or trying to figure out how to make it easier for me. But my family is still my family and I have to go to holiday parties and birthday parties and dinners. More often than not, I feel like I am forcing Ian to come with me to these things. As if it's his family who chastises him or tries forcing him to get drunk or doesn't ever try to understand why he is the way he is. There is no support on his end in that regard.
When we're at a family party, I feel like that one quote "I am alone in a room full of people."
There are times when he can be very surprising but it's obvious that it's extremely difficult to do so. It's not in his nature to be romantic or look at the bright side of our relationship when he's talking to people. We used to hug and kiss all of the time in public and now there are times when we don't even speak to each other or look at one another.
I know that if I ever left or if he ever left me, this would become a new problem with a new person eventually so there's nothing that I can do. I've talked till I was blue in the face. I've cried. I've begged and pleaded for things to change or for books to be read. Nothing happened.
It's hard to watch your relationship turn into this thing that you swore you'd never be a part of.

decided to do a survey

A: Who do you like and Why? This sounds like the type of question a 14 year old girl would ask.
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love?
I believe that now is the time I'm really in love. We fight sometimes, mostly about stupid things but I think that's what love is about. I don't think that I would be happy in a relationship where things are going smoothly ALL OF THE TIME. By nature, I'm a very difficult person so I will always need to have difficult relationships. At one point, I thought I was in love with my best friend but I think it was more about the fact that I knew nothing could happen and once I admitted how I felt, the feeling basically - more or less, went away. I also recognized that even if those feelings were returned, I could never be with someone who avoided so much in life. I still love him, in a different way and I probably always will even if we were to lose touch or something.
C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end? Still in the longest relationship I've ever been in.
D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? I've changed my ways, but not the person that I am. I feel like this is something that a lot of people get confused about. I have no problem changing certain things that I do that I know can be improved but Ian has never asked me to stop being honest or to stop being so outspoken. He's never asked me to stop making sarcastic remarks because he knows that that's the person I am. If someone asks you to change your personality because they claim to love you, then what is there to change?
G: Have you ever cheated? No because I have been cheated on so many times and while those relationships happened when I was a teenager or before I was even 21, it still hurt. A lot. I'll probably never fully recover from all of the disappointment I dealt with in those relationships and I'll never truly understand what it was that I did that made them stray.
H: Would you date someone who's known for cheating, if yes why? Probably not. It's a question that I ask every man I decide to date. Sometimes I'd like and say I'd cheated before as well, just to get an honest answer out of them. I'm not going to say that cheating is something I will tolerate but I do think that if it happened in my relationship with Ian, we would find a way to work through it.
I: What's the most important part of a relationship? I guess trust and being able to make the other person laugh. Just being happy with each other. You can't be happy without some humor and trust in the other person.
J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious relationships. A few guys I dated in the past were just looking for flings and that was the point where I decided to break away.
K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? Absolutely not. I have seen many, many friends go on breaks and the majority of them stopped being with that person they were originally with. Ian wanted to take a break once this past summer and I told him that it was either I stay or I go. For me, taking a break is like taking a step backwards. I just want to keep moving forward.
L: Who do you have messages from in your phone? Ian, Samson, Colin, Juan, some of my cousins. Basic people I talk to on a week to week basis.
M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret continuously putting up with bullshit from men. I regret saying I love you because they basically forced me to or saying it and not really meaning it.
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? When they're not kids anymore. A friend of mine is doing student teaching at an elementary school and one of the students already has a baby...that freaks me out. It is one of the reasons why I don't want to have kids. I think when you're in a stable relationship (which is hard to come by in high school) and you think you're mature enough..which should be around 17 or 18.
O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not? No. It's not just a number. It also comes down to how we think at certain ages. Like how we think we know everything when we're 15, 16.
P: What about "Love at first sight"? Why or why not? No. It's a purely physical thought.
Q: Turn on's? Being honest, being funny, not having any fear in being honest or funny, laughing at yourself, being spontaneous, taking initiative.
R: Turn off's? being lazy, not keeping things clean, being closed up and not wanting to talk to anyone about anything, being dishonest, cheating/thinking about cheating, making people think that your partner is someone that they're not (in a bad way)
S: What do you consider a deal breaker? bathing etiquette.
T: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? I don't know. I ended my past relationships because I knew I had to, for myself.
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? We've been together for almost 2 and 1/2 years.
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? yeah. at least, that's what I'm trying to do right now.
W: Do you think people should date their friends? I used to think that was the best way to start a relationship. Starting out as friends could have a lot of perks but I also think that people worry that they will lose that friendship if the relationship ends. For me, I know that I would always want that person in my life and I would also know them well enough to know that they could never truly hurt me the way others have. I think that's why, in the past, I wanted so badly to be with certain guy friends because I knew that they were good people.
X: How many relationships have you had? Between 5 and 8.
Y: Do you think love can last forever? No.
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? No.

I got the majority of my Christmas shopping done. Granted I mostly just got the kids presents. We have this thing in our family, like most big families nowadays, where just the kids get actual gifts since there are so many small children now.
I'm making scarves for my cousin and her girlfriend. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my cousin's soon because I have to wet block it. I'm still really enjoying knitting, which is surprising since I lose interest in things very quickly. I even tried teaching this same cousin and she seems to have lost interest but I love it.
I still have a few more gifts to get for my mom, one of the kids, Ian and Juan but otherwise, I'm pretty much finished. I'm working on ornaments for my family but some of them aren't coming out so well.
I've been working at home since Thursday and only have to go into work tomorrow and Wednesday (for half a day then we go to Christmas lunch!) then I work from home the other days until January 2nd.
I'm having a get together at my apartment for new year's eve. It makes me wish that I had more friends that were girls because basically, every time I get my friends together it's a sausage fest. It's fine with me but I don't know how they feel about it. Also, I really can't stand most women. I wish I had more of a tolerance for them and enjoyed having "girl talk" but I don't give a crap about that stuff, for the most part. I don't want to talk about sex or my period or my hair or any of those things.

Every time I get very little sleep, I lie in bed thinking about all of the things in life I don't have that I wish I did.

I wish I had a relationship with someone who was in love with me, someone who would be able to express how they feel for me and not through gifts the way my mom constantly did when I was a child. I wish I could be fully satisfied with my relationship but I'm not. And because of that, I am constantly made into being the bad guy. The damage is already done. No matter what Ian does now, anyone who thinks they know about our relationship, will constantly have that idea of me in their head. If he tells any of them about us getting married, the immediate reaction will be the "oof...why?" face.

I wish I was with someone who willingly and openly wanted to attend family functions with me.

I wish I had someone to dance with instead of listening to "I would dance to one song but not like five. I don't know how to dance."

I wish my dad was still here. I wish he could drive by the apartment, pick me up and go have breakfast with me. I wish he was just a bus ride away and that I could know I could see him any time I wanted.

I wish my mom stopped treating me like life with her is this big competition. I wish I could come and talk to her and know that she would not go and tell my aunts what I confide in her.

I wish I had the funds and resources to find my biological mother.

I wish I knew how to save money.

I wish I knew how to buy Christmas presents. I have yet to buy Juan's presents and still have no clue what I'm getting him and I tried to get out of buying him gifts like 3 times but he insisted. I also have no idea what I'll be putting on my annual Xmas CD that we've been exchanging the past few years. I don't listen to enough music.

I wish last night could be the way my family and I are all of the time. And I wish I could erase all of my awkward years where everyone thought I had "an attitude problem" when really I was just going through puberty, dealing with peer pressures I had no desire to give into, and was constantly being accused of doing drugs by my paranoid mother.

I wish Ian would understand that private is private and that when you're in a relationship, you attend family functions not because it's important to the other person but because you want to be there.

I wish I could write music.

I wish I could work with people in music who want to do the same thing I do but that seems impossible and Juan doesn't know how to play anything.

I wish I did not hate my life so much.

no place in the world for me.

I've often told myself that Ian doesn't know how to share his feelings, that it's incredibly difficult for him to open up and talk about our relationship or why he enjoys being with me. I have defended him time and time again in my head - "that's just not who he is and I have to accept that." Unfortunately, I've spent my entire life settling for less. Settling in general. When I think about that, I just want to jump off of a tall building. Who would spend their entire existence settling for less, telling themselves "this is all that I deserve..."??

It's difficult for me to once again tell myself that Ian doesn't know how to share his feelings when I can read an article he's written and put a lot of time and thinking into, where he explains his love..........for video games. Where he can thoughtfully put together these beautiful words about why he loves writing and why he's going to continue writing in his own style.

How is it that I have been with a person for more than two years who just can't talk about how they feel about me but finds it's really easy to discuss their feelings for something that has no pulse and is a THING?

I am at a loss for words. How can I stick up for someone who can't show me or tell me how they feel about me but it's so simple to discuss a hobby?

This is not the relationship that I want. I'm tired of crying in bed or in the bathroom or at work or on someone else's shoulder.

More than anything, I am tired of not finding my place in life. I do not fit in anywhere. And when I see my boyfriend make it seem like he's a cool, laid back drinker who "tips back a few" it makes me wonder once again - Is this the person he really is? Or does he pretend to be someone else when he's around other people? Where do I fit into this equation?

I have never fit in anywhere - not with my family, and I tend to lose friends after a period of two years or so of closeness. There are even times when Juan says or does things and I tell myself "I don't like that. Why am I friends with someone who feels the need to fall into mediocrity every once in a while? Why do we have to be like everyone else?" And Juan is my best friend. And while I feel awful for saying this, it's the truth.

Whenever someone in my life falls into stereotypes and all of that, it makes me not want to be around them. I often blame everyone else for this but I realize that it's really my problem and it's me. It also makes me wonder if I'm really even growing as a person or if I have grown as a person over the years because I find it so easy to just throw people in the garbage..just because I don't like what they're doing. I don't know how to stop doing this. And I also don't know how else to be.

For my entire life, I have always tried to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing. I didn't want to be like everybody else so I have spent many years finding and losing friends who were trying to stray away from mediocre lives.

I may just be feeling shitty because it's the holidays and it's another year that my father is not here with me. I might also note that I find it extremely insensitive of people to still not "get" that I will be grieving about this for the rest of my life. I think about the things Ian has said about me, how he's told people that I complain about too much and how he wish I looked like this or like that and the main reason why I'm such an unhappy person is because my dad is not here. And now I have to face the fact that my mother is going to have a new husband, whom she continues to try and get me to call "dad" or treat him like he's my dad. Then, on another hypocritical note, she tells me that no one will ever truly replace my father. I like my future step father, he's a very nice person and he cares for my mother, deeply. I can see that. But the fact is, I don't live at home anymore. And when I get up in the morning, my dad isn't sitting at the table drinking coffee while listening to the radio or reading a newspaper.

I hate the holidays. They are just a reminder of how alone I am. And the really sad part is that after all of the years of fighting, after all of the struggles, all I want to do is crawl into my mother's arms and cry and have her tell me that everything will be alright.

Womanly stuff (WARNING)

Whenever I get my period, my rage is multiplied by about a thousand. Small things tend to set me off in general but when it happens while I'm on my rag, I just want to claw people's eyes out. So far, I've been annoyed by an old woman on my train who's fat stomach kept touching me, my boss' lack of confidence in sending me to New York to DO MY JOB, and people disagreeing with my facebook status (this is how I know I'm really being ridiculous).

I want to go home.

a healthy debate

I've always enjoyed a healthy debate with someone, especially if I actually know what I'm talking about. I've found myself basically arguing with a mutual friend of my friend Jessica (who I have not seen since high school but talk to pretty frequently on facebook) about the Casey Anthony trial. I didn't follow this trial from the beginning - like so many others, I saw the interviews with the lawyers and the parents on various news channels and read articles online. I was devastated for this child and the grandparents. I can't imagine what it's like to not know where your grandchild is for a month (if this is true) and then people find her decomposed body in the woods. I know that something like that would break me into pieces. How these people were able to keep going with their lives and get up every morning...I'll never know.

Anyways, Jessica's friend, who I also went to high school with but never talked to, commented on a link that she posted and he basically told her how to feel. Not to be mad. What good does it do. Etc. Etc.

I hate it when people do shit like this. Just respect how the other person feels. You may not agree but you don't have to tell them how they should feel about something like this. It was difficult for me not to respond to such an asinine comment as this:
"To be sincere, there is a lot of people who shouldnt be walking down the street, but she is free, let it go. Talking about it only adds aggravation. We got more things to worry about than this."
...What?

To which I responded with: "We shouldn't worry about a woman who probably killed her child and is out roaming the streets? Okay."
Other people who commented on the post, including my friend who posted it ended up liking the comment. Then he decided to say this:
"Yeah theres absolutely nothing anyone can do. The law is the law. How many hundreds of murderers, rapists, etc are out there walking among us ? We need to worry more about ourselves because then we will always be in fear and perhaps inadvertently cause something bad to happen."

His comment really pissed me off. I don't know what's wrong with him, if he's just stupid or what but I ended up writing a novel back to him because I was so annoyed/flabbergasted that he basically said "let's not worry about things like this."

My reply: "We need to worry more about ourselves??? I'm not in fear of the people walking the streets who have murdered others/their babies. I just want justice. What happens if this woman has another child? And then it "goes missing" too? Are we just supposed to say "Oh...well...I just need to worry about me right now." I know that there are hundreds of bad people like her out there and she REPRESENTS a portion of those people, that's why there's nothing wrong with being upset that this woman killed her daughter and then let her body rot in the woods or wherever.

It's true that there are things in this world that we cannot control, but to basically say "we need to be selfish and only think about us" is just plain...stupid. sorry, but it's the truth. People have every right to be hurt or upset that a woman got away with murdering her baby just like people have every right to be upset about someone getting the death sentence when they're innocent. I think that not talking about things like this and NOT facing them is what causes people to live in fear because they're too afraid to discuss them and have healthy conversations about it. This is what's happening in the world. Why avoid it?"

Like I said, I love a healthy debate. I hate arguing with stupid people though. I'm just waiting till he says something just as stupid because he's living in the land of ignorance.