Every time I get very little sleep, I lie in bed thinking about all of the things in life I don't have that I wish I did.

I wish I had a relationship with someone who was in love with me, someone who would be able to express how they feel for me and not through gifts the way my mom constantly did when I was a child. I wish I could be fully satisfied with my relationship but I'm not. And because of that, I am constantly made into being the bad guy. The damage is already done. No matter what Ian does now, anyone who thinks they know about our relationship, will constantly have that idea of me in their head. If he tells any of them about us getting married, the immediate reaction will be the "oof...why?" face.

I wish I was with someone who willingly and openly wanted to attend family functions with me.

I wish I had someone to dance with instead of listening to "I would dance to one song but not like five. I don't know how to dance."

I wish my dad was still here. I wish he could drive by the apartment, pick me up and go have breakfast with me. I wish he was just a bus ride away and that I could know I could see him any time I wanted.

I wish my mom stopped treating me like life with her is this big competition. I wish I could come and talk to her and know that she would not go and tell my aunts what I confide in her.

I wish I had the funds and resources to find my biological mother.

I wish I knew how to save money.

I wish I knew how to buy Christmas presents. I have yet to buy Juan's presents and still have no clue what I'm getting him and I tried to get out of buying him gifts like 3 times but he insisted. I also have no idea what I'll be putting on my annual Xmas CD that we've been exchanging the past few years. I don't listen to enough music.

I wish last night could be the way my family and I are all of the time. And I wish I could erase all of my awkward years where everyone thought I had "an attitude problem" when really I was just going through puberty, dealing with peer pressures I had no desire to give into, and was constantly being accused of doing drugs by my paranoid mother.

I wish Ian would understand that private is private and that when you're in a relationship, you attend family functions not because it's important to the other person but because you want to be there.

I wish I could write music.

I wish I could work with people in music who want to do the same thing I do but that seems impossible and Juan doesn't know how to play anything.

I wish I did not hate my life so much.