It's difficult for me to once again tell myself that Ian doesn't know how to share his feelings when I can read an article he's written and put a lot of time and thinking into, where he explains his love..........for video games. Where he can thoughtfully put together these beautiful words about why he loves writing and why he's going to continue writing in his own style.
How is it that I have been with a person for more than two years who just can't talk about how they feel about me but finds it's really easy to discuss their feelings for something that has no pulse and is a THING?
I am at a loss for words. How can I stick up for someone who can't show me or tell me how they feel about me but it's so simple to discuss a hobby?
This is not the relationship that I want. I'm tired of crying in bed or in the bathroom or at work or on someone else's shoulder.
More than anything, I am tired of not finding my place in life. I do not fit in anywhere. And when I see my boyfriend make it seem like he's a cool, laid back drinker who "tips back a few" it makes me wonder once again - Is this the person he really is? Or does he pretend to be someone else when he's around other people? Where do I fit into this equation?
I have never fit in anywhere - not with my family, and I tend to lose friends after a period of two years or so of closeness. There are even times when Juan says or does things and I tell myself "I don't like that. Why am I friends with someone who feels the need to fall into mediocrity every once in a while? Why do we have to be like everyone else?" And Juan is my best friend. And while I feel awful for saying this, it's the truth.
Whenever someone in my life falls into stereotypes and all of that, it makes me not want to be around them. I often blame everyone else for this but I realize that it's really my problem and it's me. It also makes me wonder if I'm really even growing as a person or if I have grown as a person over the years because I find it so easy to just throw people in the garbage..just because I don't like what they're doing. I don't know how to stop doing this. And I also don't know how else to be.
For my entire life, I have always tried to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing. I didn't want to be like everybody else so I have spent many years finding and losing friends who were trying to stray away from mediocre lives.
I may just be feeling shitty because it's the holidays and it's another year that my father is not here with me. I might also note that I find it extremely insensitive of people to still not "get" that I will be grieving about this for the rest of my life. I think about the things Ian has said about me, how he's told people that I complain about too much and how he wish I looked like this or like that and the main reason why I'm such an unhappy person is because my dad is not here. And now I have to face the fact that my mother is going to have a new husband, whom she continues to try and get me to call "dad" or treat him like he's my dad. Then, on another hypocritical note, she tells me that no one will ever truly replace my father. I like my future step father, he's a very nice person and he cares for my mother, deeply. I can see that. But the fact is, I don't live at home anymore. And when I get up in the morning, my dad isn't sitting at the table drinking coffee while listening to the radio or reading a newspaper.
I hate the holidays. They are just a reminder of how alone I am. And the really sad part is that after all of the years of fighting, after all of the struggles, all I want to do is crawl into my mother's arms and cry and have her tell me that everything will be alright.
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