Day 30

Day 30: Who are you?

I've been struggling with this final question for the last few days - that's why I haven't updated. Truth be told, I don't always know who I am because there are days when I don't like myself and then there are times when I don't understand why some people don't like me.

I guess I'm a daughter but sometimes I wish I had a choice in where I was placed.

I'm complicated and for the dumbest reasons.

I'm a loser and probably always will be.

I'd rather stay in all day watching tv and eating food that's bad for me than go out and be sociable with people that I don't know or like.

I do everything I can not to be stereotypical or predictable so I won't end this with something lame like "I'm me" because that's all we can be. Ourselves.

Day 29/Holidays

Day 29: In the past month, what have you learned?

I've learned how to clean a tub full of dog hair in five minutes and I've also learned that working 9 hour days results in a 9 hour work out...which then results in me losing weight.

I have learned that as much as I care about my mother, I'm ready to leave but I'm terrified at how she's going to react and what she's going to say to my family after I break the news.

...I think that's about it. There are plenty of other things I've learned throughout the year but not much has happened in the past month.

Since Thanksgiving is coming up in a couple of months, I have to start figuring out what to do. I know that eventually I will have to compromise with Ian and either spend a holiday alone, be with him and his mom or make him and his mom come to one of my relative's homes. I'm so used to always being with my family on holidays that it would feel really weird to...not be there and I think more than anything, I'm worried about how my mom will react and how my family will treat me if I don't show up for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I've missed a couple of family events and dinners this year mostly to spare Ian from the nonsense and I can always tell that my family is just kind of like "where were YOU last time???" when they see or talk to me. I guess this is one of the things that all people in long-term relationships have had to go through. I know that my married cousins have gotten into actual arguments with their spouses because they were also used to being with the family and going to the in-laws was just different. I'll figure it out. If I could have it my way, I would invite Ian and his mom to all of my family's dinners but I don't want his mom to feel like she isn't allowed to be there or that she can't be herself...which is also something I worried about with Ian at first but he seems to be adjusting to all of the children and the different attitudes that my family has.

Day 28

Day 28: A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed?

then

now

I guess I've changed more on the inside than the outside. I recently cut my hair short (again) and this was one of the first pictures I took. Anyways, much more of an introvert. It has a lot to do with being with Ian. He likes to sit around inside, relax, watch tv and I guess I've kind of adjusted to that kind of life style. I don't like going to parties, I don't like drunk people (but I never did). I spend most of my free time with him and a lot of my friends are annoyed by that. Sorry, but this is pretty much the first time in my 23 years of living that I've decided to do what I want instead of doing what everyone else wants. Even though we drive each other nuts sometimes and it seems like we're holding on by a thread, we love each other very much. A year ago, I never imagined I'd be saying "I wanna spend the rest of my life with this guy I'm dating." or "I want to have babies with this guy I'm dating." :| I still don't really want kids but apparently, it's the cool thing to do.

I'm not as outspoken as I used to be because I just don't see a point in starting trouble or giving my opinion about everything.

I think 2011 is going to be a good year. 2010 was pretty tops, despite its ups and downs, but again...we'll see what happens.

Day 27

Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Well, I've never done anything like this before and I see a lot of people participating in these things on their blogs so I thought I'd give it a shot. Since I started, I've found other challenges that are shorter and have more in-depth questions so I'll be starting one of those as soon as I'm done with this one.

I'm constantly wondering what is right and what is wrong. As an adult, I am faced with so many obstacles each day and there are times when I wish I could be 5 again. My biggest problem at that age was trying not to fall off of my bike. And it seemed like...even though I knew the possibility of falling was always going to be there, it just didn't matter. It didn't stop me. As grown ups, we are constantly frozen in fear. There are so many things I want to do with my life and at the same time, there are so many things I'm afraid of doing.

I'm afraid of taking chances. I'm terrified that when I am finally done with college, I won't find a teaching job.

I'm afraid of leaving Ian even though I get so damn mad at him sometimes. I don't know anybody who's in a long-term relationship (who I can actually trust) so I can't tell if the problems we run into are normal couple bumps in the road or if we should just break up. So then there are days, like yesterday, when I want to call it off because I seriously don't know what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I feel like a lot of what we used to have is draining out of our relationship and I don't want us to be one of those couples that stays together for no reason at all. I don't want to look back 10 or 15 years from now and not even know why we're still together. We went to this hot dog place last week and this older couple runs and owns it. Before the husband went and did his deliveries, he kissed and hugged his wife. Even after all of these years, they still love each other and can still show each other that affection. Things between us are changing. And I'm changing too but Ian is still the same. I know that when things like this happen, you can either go along with the change or you get left behind. I don't want him to get left behind and I don't want him to just be...some chapter in my life. I'm in this for the long run and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together and have kids to yell at. But I do know that I also cannot spend the rest of my life with someone who has the mentality of a teenage boy, at times.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Day 26 (I'M ALMOST DONE!!!)

Day 26: What you think about your friends

Without my friends, old and new(er), I would not have survived. The teasing in high school made life almost unbearable but I had friends who helped me get through each day and eventually, I had friends who were older and protected me from bullies. I had people in my life who came and went but I'm grateful for the times they were in my life because I know for a fact that without each and every one of them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

There was one point in my life where I abandoned all of my friends because their lives were taking directions that I didn't want to go in. I don't do drugs and I never did and they were all "experimenting." Most of those people still do drugs, by the way.

I don't know if I have the courage I had back then...when I was 15 or 16 years old.

I'm 23 and it's so hard for me to let go.

The close friends that I have now, I can picture having in my life forever.

Juan is the only friend I have who doesn't make me feel stupid or immature, even if what I'm doing or saying is stupid or immature.

Samson and I share a lot of the same thoughts when certain things or people are brought up and I've always felt like "why do I gotta be the bad guy alone?" until I became friends with him. I'll never forget the summer where he convinced me to walk home from school almost every day and we'd talk about religion, death, people, music, etc.

While most of the time, I do not agree with what Laura does or says, there are these moments when her and I will both be thinking the same exact thing. There are also times when one convinces the other to open their eyes a little and see the bigger picture. We've always done well in the compromising department and to me, that's the most important part of a friendship. You gotta be willing to bend a little.

Miguel is my best friend. He has been there for me for years. He was the first person I called when my dad died and he was the first person at my house. He came with me to say goodbye to my dad and held me when I felt completely alone. He stuck by me when I fell into a deep and dark depression. And even though we don't make enough time for each other, he always forgives me and is always there for me.

Ian's also become my best friend. I realize that I am not the easiest person to get along with and that sometimes it's really difficult to get things out of me - this is why my mom and I don't see eye to eye. I can always talk to him, though. He's always the first person I want to talk to when I've had a bad or good day.

I think that all of my closer friends have certain qualities about themselves that I see in myself or characteristics that I even got because of them. I have had so many people walk out on me or hurt me and I really believe that the people above will always be around.

Day 25

Day 25: What would you find in my bag

I carry a book bag and this is what I carry in it:

my wallet

my bus pass

gum

change

paper

a book

...more paper

clothes (sometimes)

Day 24

Day 24: A letter to your parents.

Thank you for making so many mistakes that even I'll learn from them when raising my own children.

Mom - .......Sometimes I wonder how great my life would be if you didn't adopt me. I still see older women and imagine how painless my adolescence would've been if they were my mother instead of you. You often make me feel like everything I do is wrong or not good enough. I don't want to spend "quality time" with you because you've hurt me for years in ways that you can't ever comprehend. Most likely, when I have kids, you won't be allowed around them alone because I don't really want them to get hit or yelled at the way I was and still am when nobody is watching.

Dad - I wish you were still here. I often wonder what life would be like now if you were still around. I took you for granted. Whenever she gets out of control, I think of you and try to think of how you'd find a way out. I know that you felt that you screwed up my childhood by being sick but you didn't. I miss you.