Adele

I really feel that Adele is one of the most talented people out there in the music world. All of her songs have such beautiful and meaningful lyrics. Also, while she has a plethora of really sad songs, she also has some upbeat music as well.

I love her music and I think she's beautiful. Her look is so different from so many other people (not just because she's plus size). It's in the face. She just looks like she can see into someone's soul. If that makes any sense.

This is one of my favorite songs off of her new album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x541e1bFO0&feature=related

I've been crying the majority of the day.

My mom told me some stuff about my dad.

That only made me feel worse because she said, "your father bent over backwards for me." A term that I used earlier this evening when speaking with Ian. She told me that my dad told her that he felt as if he was a burden to us, which is also something I've said to Ian.

I don't want to be somebody's regret.

My mom said "when you're in a relationship, you both have to give 110% otherwise it won't work out."

My heart hurts. Literally....I need to stop not taking my medicine.

When we feel that someone has done us wrong, there's always a place you flee to.

For me, that place ended up being the last spot in the world I ever thought I'd go back to.

I'm at my mom's house and plan on staying the night here.

I immediately thought of calling Lluvia and Juan to come and rescue me or calm me down. Juan picked me up from the apartment and now I'm sitting in my mom's kitchen where I spent so many other nights, typing away at the computer.

I'm alone. My mom and Julio are outside watching the block party with the dogs.

I guess that's what I need right now though, to just be alone with my thoughts.

I have a decision to make.

My mom told me that Ian has to make himself grow up and learn from his own mistakes and that I can't make him change or make him take people out of his life who don't want us together but that he should be able to make that decision on his own.

I just feel as though the past two years, Ian has been my top priority, everything to me and for the two years, he has just had me there on the sidelines.

I guess I just wish I knew how much I meant to him because I'm tired of sitting in the dark, waiting.

Whoops.

I realize now that it's been a few days (or a week, at least) since I've written here.

I got Juan a job here and he likes it a lot and he's doing well.

I'm pretty sure that my mom is on some type of medication due to her highs and lows and I'm also pretty sure that she hasn't been taking it lately since she's been picking fights with me like she used to EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I come over now and Julio is not there. I thought that things were different between my mom and I but I can see that we will probably always butt heads and that's too bad because it just makes me not want to be around her.

For instance: last week she started arguing with me about wanting my uncle (her brother) in my life and said I'm never on her side (I still don't know what she's talking about) and started talking about everything bad that everyone's done to her - Okay, for once, can this NOT be about you? She is a completely selfish person and I've understood for a long time now, why my uncle chooses not to really talk to her - he just has no patience for her bullshit, drama and lies.

Ian and I spent this past weekend with my cousin Lety, her husband and their twin 2-year-olds. They're a handful, to say the least but I really enjoyed my time with them. I'm still recuperating from the weekend - we took them to Wisconsin Dells and spent more time in the water than anywhere else. My whole body is still sore from carrying them around in and outside of water, picking them up, etc.

I thought that the experience would only strengthen my desire to NOT have any children but it actually did the exact opposite. I don't want to get pregnant and have 5 kids tomorrow or anything like that but I would like children of my own. I would like to know what it's like to hold my own child (and no I don't only mean by birth, I am totally 100% for adoption as well). As I saw my cousin holding her kids in the water, this feeling of sadness kept overcoming me. I want to have a child that I can spoil with love and affection and bring up in a happy, loving home where we take them out to experience new things every day.

Having biological children would be interesting because I always wonder what our child or children would look like. I do want kids and I do want to take the chance of screwing things up because I learned so much from my parents bad parenting and I'm sure Ian learned a lot of positive things from his mother and a lot of "what not to do" guidelines from his father's parenting skills over the years.

This weekend I was supposed to hang out with one of my friends but I don't see it happening in the near future. I don't know what's going on but I'm not going to try and figure it out when there's no communication on her part. I continuously put myself out there for people, a lot of people. And most of them just let me down or step all over me. I think I care too much about people and it's always been one of my weaknesses. I just care too much about them and I care too much about what people think of me.

I really want to go and sing though so I think that on Friday, after I go home and eat some dinner, I'm gonna go with some of my friends to do karaoke.

On Saturday, Ian and I are going to do a double feature of Harry Potter and Captain America. I'm really excited and have been very excited for both films for a while.

Our anniversary is next weekend. When he plans the things we do for the day, he chooses not to tell me. It's the one day of the year where he decides to be spontaneous. I'm looking forward to it and I'm really looking forward to the gifts I got him. There are other things I want to get him but I decided to save them for his birthday.

I guess I am still doing well at work since I haven't gotten any negative feedback so that makes me happy. I still worry about money but not as much as I had to before.

A friend of mine from high school is engaged to a boy she met in France earlier this year.

I couldn't be happier for her. I'm pretty sure she'll be moving to France permanently but I think she was originally just going to school there.

Talk about a fairy tale.

family values

As I was growing up, I always told myself that my friends would be my family. I felt that my friends understood me better, didn't judge me and accepted me the way that I was.
And then my dad died and so many things changed. I changed.
Since he died, I have been trying so hard to hold onto everyone in my family and I guess it's because I imagined what my life would be like without them and I didn't want to picture myself having regrets or wishing we had more moments together - If they're still here, I can make that connection. I can try, at least.
My mom's family has always been this force, this giant storm. There's no other way to explain it. I don't know everything but I do know that it has always been a struggle to keep them together. When I was 3 or 4, my mom's brother, my Uncle, found a job in Iowa and felt he had to take the opportunity. But he left without saying a word and left my grandmother in the dark, along with my other uncle and my mom. He took his 3 kids and my aunt with him and for about 16 years we were out of touch. Some of the boys and I tried writing to each other but it never really stuck.
One of my cousins found me on facebook about 2 years ago and we have been in each other's lives off and on since then.
Since my dad died, my uncle who was still living in Illinois, started to drift away from my mom. As they both got older, my mom became much more sensitive and my uncle became more abrasive, more honest. Shortly after my dad passed, my uncle and my mom were forced to put my grandmother into a nursing home because her alzheimers was just getting out of control - she was visiting her old house and the people currently living there had to call the police on her. She was going in the middle of the night, thinking it was during the day.
My grandmother also had no recollection of my father's death and every time my mom (stupidly) told my grandma that he was gone, she would go into this hysterical fit because even though he wasn't her son, he might as well have been.
Right before my dad died, my uncle promised my mom that he would always be in my life, that he would continue to be there for me as he was when I was a child and that he would take care of us.
He never followed through on that promise.
I miss my uncle and my aunt very much. I have the two of them to thank for my sometimes brutal honesty. I have my uncle to thank for keeping me in line when I was a teenager. "You have to stop giving your mother a hard time. She doesn't understand you or what it's like to raise a teen." I miss sitting in their kitchen, looking at old photos, playing with their dogs - all of the little things that you take for granted.
I know that I can't make my mom and my uncle speak again or be a major part of each other's lives but I just know that if I had any siblings, I would do everything in my power to keep us together. I may not understand because I was adopted but I think that I cherish family simply because of that reason. I always longed for a brother or sister, especially in the hard times with my mom and having to listen to her and my dad fight.
Anyways, even though he may not really be a part of my mom's life, doesn't mean he can't be a part of mine. All I can do is try.
There's one important part that I left out. After my dad passed, I thought about who I would like to walk me down the aisle and ever since he died, the one person at the top of the list is my uncle. I can only hope that when it's time for us to get married, he'll be there for me, right next to me, giving me away.

We had a very nice weekend. On Saturday, Ian and I went over to my mom's house, did some swimming, my mom and Julio came back with tacos for us. We spent the rest of the evening watching bad movies.

Yesterday I cleaned parts of the apartment - I really enjoy cleaning now that I don't have to do it for a living. Juan came over and we played Rockband 2 for a couple of hours and went to Jewel to pick up some groceries and dinner for the three of us.

My boss revealed to me this morning that the girl I work with will no longer be working here after today because she always comes in late, returns late from her lunch breaks and has missed a few days already and she's only been here for a month. I told my boss that I don't really think this job is a priority to her and that she probably doesn't take it seriously.

He asked me if I knew anyone so I'm going to give him Juan's resume later on today. I really hope that Juan gets the job because I know that he will take it seriously because both of us know what it's like to struggle and that's the reason why we work so hard when we do find employment. Hopefully my boss will like Juan because he can't live on unemployment for the rest of his life or continue working in the food service industry.

Today I got stuck in the horrible rain. I was sitting on the bus when it just started to pour, miserably. So the whole backside of me is completely soaked or was, currently drying off. My shoes on the other hand are still wet and I really don't want to wear them right now. Hopefully they'll be dry by the end of today.

My mom got her engagement ring on Saturday and it's really pretty. I'm happy for her and I'm excited about helping her plan her wedding. We already picked out her dress and my dress. Mine is made out of chiffon material. And soon I'll be going shoe shopping. I'm really excited about ordering the flowers and decorating the reception area.

Next weekend is going to be a busy one. My baby cousin is turning 1 and I can't wait to go clothes shopping for her. And then on Sunday, we're going down South to visit some of Ian's relatives and his mom's friend who is moving out of state.

I'm over summer.

Getting a grasp on our finances

I feel like we are starting to catch a break. The other day, Comcast turned off the cable and internet so for the past two days we've been watching blu rays and dvds.

This overwhelming feeling took over me. Again. I wanted to help Ian. I wish I could just write him an endless amount of checks. I wish I had enough money to take care of both of us.

Unfortunately, because of my crappy job, it was damn near impossible to save money let alone have enough money to pay the portion of the rent he wanted.

Now that I have a stable schedule and more money coming in, I'm hoping it will be easier for me to save money for emergencies and school. I want to go back to school, even if it's just at night. I just want to say "I finished."

I'm doing well at my job and they want to promote me in a couple of months so I really am going to be able to work my way up.

With my first paycheck, I was able to buy some clothes. I love shopping because I never get to do it. The last time I bought myself some clothes was about a year ago and all I bought were a few pair of jeans.

I wish we could get to that point where we don't tell people "we can't go out to dinner because we don't have any money" or "we need to pay our rent and we'll be broke so we can't go out here."

The good thing is that Comcast (probably) credited Ian's account - they were originally charging him for the apartment we currently live at AND his old one so all of the money they made him pay off, they probably transferred to this new account. Hopefully.

I need to go to the bank and get checkbooks.

It's hard being an adult. I wish I could go back to being a kid again.

My mom's wedding

My mother met a man in January and they hit it off right from the start. He's basically been living in our home since I moved out and I know that he would come and stay at the house on the days that I went to stay at Ian's apartment.

He's officially living at the house now and proposed to her a couple of weeks back. On Saturday, they're going to look at rings.

My mom's original plan was to travel over to Las Vegas and just get it done quickly and spend the week there. When she told my family about it, a bunch of them wanted to attend. So the conversation turned into this big thing where she was talking about having to rent a bus and blah blah blah and I just remember telling her, "that's expensive and I don't think you're really thinking about this."

Turns out I was right. Last night when we were talking on the phone, she told me that she was trying to figure out all of the pricing and said that it was just way too expensive and she decided to have a ceremony and an after party here in Chicago at a hall.

My mom has made me Maid of Honor...I don't know...what I'm supposed to do but I told her that I will help her pick out invitation designs, make the seating chart, help pick out the foods she wants, and most importantly (I'm really excited about this) decorating the hall.

I know that I have a lot of responsibilities and I also know that she's probably going to make me make a speech.

The wedding is in late April so I'm really nervous but excited for her.

I told my friend Juan that it will be really good training for me for whenever I have to plan my own wedding.

I'm happy for her but I miss my dad. I can only hope that wherever he is, he's looking down on her, smiling and happy that she has found someone who loves her as much as he did.

Writing

I often think about writing a book about my life but since it all just kind of goes nowhere, I decide not to.

I want to write a book about everything I've gone through from the moment I was born but I know that it would require me to do some traveling - I'd have to travel to Seoul, South Korea to find out whatever information I could about my birth parents, specifically my birth mother.

Even though my adoption is such a small part of my beginning, I still feel like I would not be doing myself justice if I just said "I was born. My mother took me to Catholic Charities to give me up for adoption and didn't know my father's name. I don't know where or who she is."

I say that my adoption is a small part of my beginning because it truly is. Very rarely have I felt the urge to go and find my mother because I had so many people in my family. Through my adoption, my parents were kind of adopted by family friends who are now closer to us than my parents' blood relatives.

I feel that the majority of my story would be what it was like growing up with a parent who had cancer and what it was like for me in middle school, how I knew kids were already being pressured to have sex and do drugs and drink and meanwhile, I was the kid at home on a Friday night doing my math homework because I just wanted to get it out of the way.

I also feel that a big chunk of my story would have to do with my relationship with my mom and how it has always kind of been wishy washy between us. I would have to speak with her about this beforehand just to get her approval.

I'd eventually like to take my manuscript to a publisher or several publishers and face the onslaught of rejection letters but at least I can say that I tried.

I started writing a story about Ian and I but it goes nowhere.

I think it would help if I made an outline of the beginning, middle and end so I know where to take my story.

I'd also like to write fiction and I think it would be a lot easier to do that than pull from my own life but I've also thought about pulling from my own life and writing a number of different books where in each novel the main character deals with something heavy - a parent with leukemia who eventually dies after the child grows up, getting teased all throughout elementary school, tough relationships with partners or parents. I know there are a lot of books out there like this but I also know that I love writing and blogging or writing in my journal at home just aren't enough for me anymore.

I want to take my writing somewhere, even if I fail.