Cried myself to sleep last night on the couch. I was so exhausted from crying throughout half of the day that I don't even remember falling asleep. I hit an all time low.

I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I keep trying to go back and remember all of the times I screwed up or started a fight in a selfish or immature moment.

Nothing I did should have made all of this happen for two years. I feel like there is this person Ian pretends to be, and everyone thinks he's so great - and he is, sometimes. And then I live with this person who is sad, annoyed, angry and bored with me. I don't know what happened. I don't know if these past two years, at some point, I just made him so mad that he decided he wasn't going to tell me how he felt about me anymore and he was just going to tell people all about my annoying habits.

I know that I give people a hard time - I have been doing it my entire life and not always on purpose. I know that I'm a pain in the ass - I complain about everything because so many things in life did not go my way. While I had happy moments as a kid and a teenager, I mostly just felt let down by the most important people in my life at the time.

I'm going to be 25 years old. I don't want to start over with someone new and I don't want to look back on this relationship and just feel regret and hurt. I wish he would just show me how much I mean to him, to help me remember and to make him remember that we have too much to lose.

As much as I love him, I can't help but feel that there is no fight left in him because he knows how much he's hurt me and he knows how hard it is to keep getting back up after something happens. He has to sit there and watch me cry and listen to me trying to make sense of it all and he just gets knocked down. I don't mean to sit there complaining but I just keep running around in this circle in my mind trying to figure it out on my own and I get nowhere. And when I ask him "why did this happen" or "why did you do this" I still don't really get an answer. I don't think there really is a reason why he does the things he does but I've always found that if you can figure out why something is happening then you can figure out how to stop it. I don't want us to have to tell new people in our lives "it didn't work out and we both screwed up big time" and look back and wonder if we had just did one or two things differently, would we be sitting here with each other instead of someone new?

I don't think it's right that I keep being made out to be a bad person to everyone in his life but he won't stop. I know that I'm not the only one who has a problem but at least I am willing to try and fix myself, not only for me but for our relationship.

I'm tired of compromising and losing dignity every time I give in. I cannot keep doing this by myself.