In the past, I was included in those plans but this year, I guess not. I'm assuming that it's because Ian decided to tell her about our arguments, big or small, made me seem like I'm this horrible person that he is stuck in a relationship with...so why would I be invited?
While I continue acknowledging that I'm responsible for my own screw ups, I also know that there have been things that were done to me that I did not deserve. Things that Ian did absentmindedly and didn't think about the repercussions that his actions might have at later date.
In this case, Colleen's perception of me is much different now because Ian decided to open up to everyone else but me about our problems during a certain point/the whole time we've been dating.
And now I just feel excluded, that we won't all be together on certain days like we were before. The worst part is that there is really nothing I can do about it at all because the damage has already been done and Ian is responsible for whatever he decided to say to his mom about me. I just have this sick feeling in my stomach, thinking about what he told her or didn't tell her and made it seem like I was the person who screwed up time and time again, that I was the one who caused all of that pain.
When we visited my mom on Sunday, I just found myself crying unexpectedly. I openly asked her for her perspective on how she would react in my situation, with Ian sitting right there, to make it clear that I have no secrets from him and I'm not going to talk shit about him behind his back like he has with me. To me, there is nothing more disrespectful than that.
I told my mom that I've been crying every day and at one point, one of them said "It's not every day." And I just sat there thinking of all the times I have cried with him sleeping next to me in the bed, when I've cried in the shower, when I've cried at work, when I've cried on the train on the way to work or on the way home, when I've cried at my mom's house without Ian there, when I've cried on the phone with Juan, when I've sat in the bathroom and cried and I said again, "I cry. Every. Day."
He says we'll fix things, that things will change and while I am starting to believe that, I keep thinking about the things he has said about me or done to me in the past that are now going to be very difficult to change. What I find really funny is how a few of my friends know about some of the arguments Ian and I have gotten into and none of them have ever pulled him aside and said "you're an ass hole" or have treated him ANY differently. Meanwhile, anyone on his end that he may have told about our fights thinks I'm the fucking devil.
And he thinks it's totally okay to tell people our business while only explaining his side so it looks like I'm the one causing all of the problems...when all I want is some respect and some thought towards me and our relationship. Instead, I'm made out to be this dragon lady.
I don't know what to do about this. I really do love Ian's mom, especially now that I understand what a supportive parent really looks like. But I'm completely helpless because I know Ian won't take the initiative to say to her "she loves you and she wants you in our lives forever" to let her know that all of this shit that's gone down can't only be put on me.
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