Why I'm beginning to dislike my job

I enjoy the work I do but it is not time consuming, if that makes any sense. The day goes by quickly based on how much I have to get done but I am often left with my thoughts, my paranoia, my anxiety, my sadness. This job has resulted in me picking arguments with Ian or starting trouble because I am left alone with my thoughts all day. Even though I get to work with my best friend, our backs are turned against each other so we don't talk all that much. Also, we both have our own work to finish each day and I think he sometimes finds it distracting when I ramble on about silly things I'm either annoyed by because of Chicago's public transportation system or work-related things.

So while I am coasting through the day, reading, watching films/tv shows and listening to Pandora, I get bored and I become curious. The curiosity leads to frustration. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to tears. I haven't hit that point yet today though.

Things almost really fell apart and I am still upset that it seemed like it was all my fault when I know it's not. I'm still angry that a warning has been put over my head when so many times, I stayed because I love him and want this to work. I'm still angry that he continues telling people that I am the cause for his unhappiness when he knows very well that there are things he can do to prevent me from being unhappy, which then will prevent him from being unhappy that I'm so unhappy.

I don't want to ever lose Ian and I feel that no matter how many arguments or petty disagreements we get into, I will always say "I want to keep trying" because I saw how much my parents struggled but in times of despair, I also saw how much they loved one another, unconditionally. There is no doubt in my mind that they would have divorced had he had not leukemia, and even though it was a horrible disease it was a blessing to their marriage. They were married for more than 26 years and had he actually made it, they'd still be married today and I would not be helping my mother plan her wedding with the new man in her life.

I feel that I really have to work on my patience but just as scared as Ian is, I am scared that I will allow my patience to grow and I will be the fool who changed, who made improvements and he's still telling people that I make him miserable - even when we have good days after some bad days. I am worried that he will one day walk out on me because he can no longer understand why he loves me. I am worried that I will lose the person who has become my best friend, the person I turn to in times of stress and sadness - I don't always like what he has to say, but I always listen to what he has to say.

I'm afraid that the way I was brought up and the way my mother "loved" me has caused irreparable damage to me and the only solution would be to see a therapist (which I'd like to do at some point) in order to find the love and forgiveness in my heart for all the times my mother took from me, hurt me, hit me, emotionally abused me, told me that the adoption agency was sitting outside in a car waiting for me, etc.

I'm terrified that having to watch my father die for more than a decade, the man I loved more than anything in the world growing up, has damaged me forever.

I'll always be difficult, honest, complicated, wounded, scared, happy, sad, angry, brutal, sweet, mean when warranted and just...myself and I'm also afraid that Ian has decided that he can no longer deal with my less than graceful sides.

We had a good day yesterday. I cried for almost 12 hours on Friday and I know that had I not walked into the bedroom sobbing, barely able to breathe and asked what I asked, I would have spent the last few days sleeping at my mom's house.

But I still find it unfair that a threat was put over my head when I ask for such simple things. Talk to me. Tell me why you love me. Tell me why you think I'm adorable. Tell me why I'll always mean more to you than any other girl who tries entering your life. Bring home flowers once in a while if you can't verbalize how you feel for me. Let me know that you're still in love with me. Communicate that to me...and more importantly, communicate that to those around you instead of making me seem like all I am is a pain in the ass (which I can be but as I said before, I have good sides).

Every day, I will try to grow. I will take this relationship day by day instead of looking at it as one big whole, which I think has been the main problem between the two of us. After I'm comfortable with what my bank account looks like, I'll buy relationship books for myself...and if he chooses not to take that step, in reading books that will help keep this relationship healthy, there is nothing I can do. I can't force him to treat me better and to stop making me seem like such a shrew - all I can do is better myself and know that if the time comes that I have to leave, I'll walk out knowing that I'm a better person because of him and because I was proactive in growing and having a relationship with the man I could've loved forever.