forgiving

Today I started my letters. I've decided to write one for Ian as well and actually give it to him. Hopefully he'll read it at some point. As corny as all of this sounds, I'm half done writing them and I really feel like a weight has been lifted. I've decided that every time I think about all of the things those people put me through, I'm going to pull my notebook out and read about why I've decided to forgive them and what I forgave them for.

Last night I really felt it necessary to tell Ian about my family's alcoholism and how scary it has been growing up in that type of environment. And as I was writing my letters, I found that not one but two of my ex-boyfriends had drinking and alcohol issues so I understand why I'm so afraid for Ian. My day to day life is filled with fear. And I plan on doing whatever I can to stop it but I can't do it all on my own. I worry that Ian is too preoccupied to work towards our same goals, or if we have the same small goals.

I don't want to fight anymore - I want to work towards fixing things but I think it's harder for Ian based on how many blow ups we've had and how easy it has been for me to lose my temper. We both have bad tempers and it's gotta stop.

So Ian is back from his trip. I met him the airport yesterday. Of course by the time I reached his baggage claim area, he had made his way to where I previously was by airport's train stop. I know that we have a lot to work on but it all starts with making myself happy each day, or allowing myself to be happy and stop letting fear and jealousy come over me.

I need to stop feeling so threatened by other women and believe that above all, Ian lives with me and has been dating me for two years. I can only hope that based on the things his father did to his mother, he learned not to treat women the same way. I have to stop punishing Ian for things other men have done to me so I decided to write all of them letters, forgiving and forgetting the hurtful things they did to me.

It's also important for me to believe that a real woman who respects herself and knows who she is, isn't going to attempt to steal someone else's boyfriend.

Most importantly, I just have to work on my self esteem because there are things about me that I used to like, that I am learning to like again and every day, I am determined to tell myself that I'm good enough for him and no matter what, he will be faithful to me and I to him.

Laura once told me that it takes six weeks to make a habit out of something - I have tested this and it's absolutely true. My plan is to continue cleaning the apartment, every day, to keep it in good shape. When Ian came home last night, he jokingly said "IT'S SO CLEAN.....WHAT HAPPENED???"

I believe that any and all problems we have as a couple can be fixed - there are definitely no quick fix solutions but with time, things will be alright. All we can do is hope to be happy each day. I can't force us to get engaged and I can't force us to grow. It all has to happen naturally and I've gotta tell myself "all in good time."

I missed him a lot and I think that after he saw how happy I was yesterday, just to be around him, he realized that he may have missed me as well even though he was having such a good time in Seattle.

I missed seeing him sleep next to me in bed. More than anything though, I missed his embrace. I told Juan yesterday that I know deep in my heart that I truly love Ian, despite our issues and despite the fact that it's so hard for me to be happy. I know that I really love him because as I was contemplating what might happen when he got home yesterday, I thought to myself "If he thinks being apart is better for us as individuals, I would be happy knowing he's happy. That's all I want for him in life." But the reason I was so upset about this trip is because I see him receiving more responsibility and having a larger part in the website he writes for and having these great opportunities to interview & talk to people he looks up to...and I just want to be right there for him, cheering him on. I'm so proud of him for everything he has accomplished and I just want him to continue succeeding, no matter who he's working for.

It is time for me to stop being selfish as well. I cannot picture myself with anyone else, I say that all of the time. I always say that I love him more than anything, if that's the case then I have to stop thinking of myself and think of what makes him happy.

I know now more than ever that I am very close to losing him forever and that is the last thing I want. I have to show him how much he means to me instead of just telling him. No more talking. I don't know why I never thought to stop before.

It may be because every time I've felt a change needed to be made in my life, it was at the eleventh hour. It was always like, "okay.....this has to stop...right now."

I'm going to make a conscious effort to repair our relationship if I still have the chance. I just don't want him to feel that he is stuck with me or that he'll hurt me if he leaves. Of course it will be painful but I know that I really do love him because more than anything, I want him to be happy. And if he will be happy without me around, I would be accepting of that.

I'll always love him. Even if we break up. He has meant more to me than anyone I've ever known and I keep screwing it up.

When you feel that the person you've missed more than anything doesn't want to be here with you.

That's what I'm feeling right now.

Leave if that's what you want. I'll live.

Trying to find the strength to let go

I'm determined to learn how to let go of the things I cannot control. It's one of my biggest problems and also plays a large factor in why I get so unhappy when I do.

My friends slept over yesterday and the last two just left a few minutes ago. As I could tell it was getting closer to when they all had to leave, I developed more and more anxiety.

To top it off, I saw that Ian didn't sleep till around 230 in the morning, Seattle time..which would make that 430 here. What's crazy to me is how tired he is when he's here, how lethargic he sometimes is, how sad he seems because he's so stressed out about having to pay bills or get things done.

And I feel like while he's out there, he's probably this really different person who's happy, energetic, excited, spirited.

I'm just trying to figure out who Ian really is and I don't know why it's taken me two years to do it. I want Ian to be happy, I want to be happy and I also want us to be happy together. But these past few days he's been gone, I just feel as though he is happier not having me around, not having to talk to me, not having to deal with my crap.

I want us to be able to move forward and stop saying what we're going to do and just start doing. I know that there are a lot of things I need to change about myself and the way I do things, the way I overreact, the way I get so upset when things don't go my way.

There have honestly been a few times in my life when I've contemplated committing suicide, especially when my dad passed away. The reason why I was so sad about Ian being gone is because of what I mentioned earlier - he's here and he barely laughs or smiles and I just feel like it's my fault and I end up feeling guilty.

There are so many wonderful things in this world that make me happy - Please don't think I was saying that I want to commit suicide because I don't. Anyways, yeah, I just think that I need to do and see more of the things that make me happy here. I need to go to the art museum and just walk around, I need to walk in and out of expensive stores downtown and make fun of the people who spend way too much money on things they don't need, I have to keep spending time with my loved ones and appreciate our moments together. I need to....watch more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies/tv shows!!

I just want to be happy and satisfied with myself. And I know that I can't rely on Ian to do that for me but I also know that it's okay to let him be a part of that and let him help me become happy with myself emotionally and physically...if he actually wants to and tries to do that. I just need to stop being so discouraging.

The more I write, the better I feel. This has always been the case with me, which is why I write so friggin' much and talk so much...the more I get to express myself, the better..I guess.

But in the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself, "It's his birthday and you can't even talk to him or see him because he's working and he claims his phone is dying." And then I just start thinking of reasons why he doesn't want to talk to me and what I did, etc., etc.

I'm trying not to cry and I'm trying not to tell myself that he just doesn't care anymore about any of this and is totally over it but that's all I feel right now. And I feel that I'm the only one responsible for it even though that can't be the case.

the most selfish man I've ever known

It's very unfortunate that no matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up between 730 and 8 a.m. - I went to bed around 2 this morning, tossed and turned the whole night but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I let Juan keep the conditioner on in the living room and I just put the air purifier on in my bedroom.

Things would have been so much worse had he not slept here last night. I basically sat here crying for about four hours, totally perplexed as to why Ian has decided that since he's out of town, he doesn't need to text me or even call me for that matter. He has become infamous for making promises he cannot keep but I never thought making a simple phone call or talking on Skype would be so challenging for him. As far as work goes, as I predicted, nothing he's supposedly written is on the website yet - this happened to him more than a year ago when he traveled with some of these people and instead of working, he was going out, staying up late, whatever.

I didn't hear anything from Ian for four hours. At 3 a.m. I woke up because it was so hot -.- and there were text messages from Ian apologizing, saying he'd just gotten back to the hotel.

I'm not mad right now or upset. I am just confused about the whole thing and hurt by his actions. He has really made it abundantly clear what comes first in his life. I should note that we had not spoken to each other since the day before in the afternoon so this is why I was so upset that he continued to decide that going out was more important than talking to me.

I can't help but feel that he took this trip just to be away from me since it was so easy for him last night/this morning to avoid me, not answer my calls, not answer my text messages and instead of trying to keep me calm, his attempts came out as more of a scolding or a "you need to just get over it" type of attitude.

This trip has really opened up my eyes and I am leaning towards moving as much as I can out of this apartment tomorrow. The fact that I'm so serious about leaving and have wanted to leave in the past doesn't phase him at all. I guess that right there should be a big sign that I'm wasting my time here.

I don't think I want to be married to this person who found it so easy just to leave me in the fucking dumps while he went out to dinner and was drinking and having a good ol' time. He says I don't give him the opportunity to prove that he's changing but as I originally thought, this trip is doing more harm than good to our relationship and what's worse is that he is just too damn busy to care.

I feel nothing but resentment towards him right now and I honestly just want to leave him because this isn't right. Everything heading in this direction happened very slowly over the past couple years but now I see, everything I thought about Ian, all of the fears that I had, were correct. How can you invest so much time with someone, tell them you love them, move in with them...and treat them so horribly? And be so neglectful?

What on earth did I do to deserve this person to be in my life? How come he can't see how much he has hurt me and why won't he do anything to make it up to me?

I'm not here asking for the fucking universe, I'm just asking for some respect and kindness and generosity - things you're supposed to give in a relationship. But apparently, it's just become too difficult for him to make that effort and it's become too difficult for me to walk around with a broken heart every day that I'm waiting for him to put back together.

When you love somebody, this is not how you treat them.

alone

It's the second day and things are already not going well even though it isn't even 7 a.m. yet.

I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, could barely breath, had a nightmare about Ian. And suddenly, I found myself just crying...just sobbing into the pillows like a child on punishment.

Every time he goes on a trip by himself, I fall into a depression. Because I've been severely depressed before, I know what it feels like.

Figuratively speaking, I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark room and I can't find a light or the door. I just feel alone. I've felt alone, even with Ian being here but this feeling is so different from that.

I'm trying my best to keep myself busy. I cleaned the kitchen last night and there are still more things I want to clean like the microwave and the fridge. Today when I get home from the gym, I was planning on cleaning off my desk, which has been a mess ever since we moved in. Because my friends are coming over tomorrow, I have to clean the entire apartment. But I find that when I'm actually allowed to stop and think, when I'm not watching things on Netflix or youtube or cleaning like a maniac, I get so sad.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why I have decided to put up with all of this crap that I take on a regular basis. I don't feel and I haven't felt for a while now, that our relationship is equal. At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision...I can keep putting up with this shit with the small hope that Ian will turn his lifestyle around or I can leave, suffer for a few months and cry it all out of my system, and then pick my life back up.

I'm lonely. I don't know how I became such a lonely person but I am. There are definitely times when I enjoy being alone but when it's forced like this, when I have no other choice but to sit in silence with my thoughts and ideas, I just get so sad.

Later on today, I'm sure I'll find the motivation to work my ass off (literally) at the gym and I'll feel better after that but at night, it's so quiet and dark. And like a small child, I'm terrified of going to sleep because I know he's not going to be there, talking to me, holding me, trying to get a good hold of the blanket before I steal it from him in my sleep during the night.

I am truly thankful for all of my friends who are always supportive of me and are there when I need them. Juan has agreed to spend the night tonight so that I'm not alone and I'd say that if tonight's sleep is similar to last night's, there's a good chance I'll end up sitting in the living room with him even though he'll be asleep.

I'm angry at Ian for not keeping in contact with me like he said he would, for not going on skype so we can see each other, for probably going out and not even telling me. I told him that it's the fear of not knowing. I'd rather know he's with this person or that person, or this bar or this restaurant than not know if he's okay. He seems to not understand or know how important it is to me, to know that he's alright. I care about him so much. I would cut my heart out of my chest if he needed it to survive but I often feel that the respect, love and concern that I have for Ian is never reciprocated on his side.

I have a lot to think about and I have a few days before I need to make any decisions but basically, I'm either going to move out while he's gone or I'll stay strong and stick through this like I always do. I'm just wondering when I'll reach my real breaking point.

Ian just left about half an hour ago. I sat by the window and cried after he left. Immediately after the door closed, both of the cats sat in the window looking for him, trying to figure out why I'm still here and why he's gone. Flynn, in particular, who is much closer to Ian because it's his cat that I got for him in December, is still looking around for Ian.

It won't be so bad because we need this time to have some space from one another but I just get so lonely. And it doesn't help that I don't live with my mom anymore, I'm ACTUALLY alone here. My alarm has been going off for five minutes and I'm still sitting here, not turning it off. Today my mom is coming over for dinner, I guess. I kind of just asked her on a whim - I was thinking about how shitty I'd probably feel tonight when I got home and asked her to come over to the apartment for pizza. Why oh why did I do that...

I'm actually thinking about calling her and cancelling and just telling her I'm sick or something. Will probably do that and just go visit her on Sunday.

I just hate being here alone. It feels unnatural to me. I tried begging Juan to come over here and sleep at the apartment but we already spend so much time together - we both go to the gym together, we work together, we hang out on the weekends if I plan something. I'm not annoyed by him, that rarely ever happens on my part but I know that I'm a tough pill to take...especially when I'm so lonely.

Gotta get ready for work now. I'll probably be blogging more than usual.

Why can't I be happy?

I'm fairly certain that there's something wrong with me, that's why.

Too many people have crapped on my life or left me and I've ended up as this jaded, introverted, judgmental person.

But I do want to be happy and silly and young and beautifully naive the way I'm supposed to be at this age.

I have my highs and my lows. It's not so much that I think about my father's death and what it did to me, but I do stop and think about all of the things that make me unhappy. I get to a point where I've been thinking so much about the bad that I fall into this hole (figuratively speaking) and I just hide inside of it, crying, mad, sad, feeling completely misunderstood like a 15-year-old girl whose parents won't let her get her way.

I really do feel that I've made him too important to me...that I don't spend enough time enjoying other things in life...I have one person I'd do literally, ANYTHING for and he's my entire world. It's an issue. I recognize that now.

He'll still remain important to me but I think that in order for him to still find me adorable and lovable and irresistable, I have to have my own life and I have to learn how to enjoy things again...and I don't mind learning to embrace my own life and being happy with it, with him by my side. But I want to watch a movie and NOT wonder if Ian is thinking about the woman's boobs or butt. I want to not care. It's sad that I care that much. Who cares.

A woman that he "works" with and I are very similar...when I'm happy. And I think I'm afraid that he'll leave me for her because she has things that I don't.

I know I can be happy again. As soon as I stop depending on someone else to make me happy..

Ian has decided that he's going to PAX (a video game convention), even though I repeatedly told him it would be best if he stayed here.

He leaves in a week and will be gone for 5 days. It will be my first time alone in the apartment and I'm dreading it more than anything in the world.

I wasn't asked to go with and I wasn't asked how this situation would affect me based on how much we've struggled lately.

My opinion does not matter. My feelings do not matter. And I am one step away from walking away from all of this because of how inconsiderate he can be.

He can't afford to go - his mom paid for everything as a birthday gift but because she's the most supportive person in the world (I'm not being sarcastic; she really is great and I wish she was my mom sometimes), I'm sure she would have paid for everything anyways.

We have a lot of problems. At this point, I don't even know if we will make it to the end of the year. I'm thinking about moving out and just living with friends. Ian can live on his own. We can still date but I don't really know if living with each other is working anymore or if it ever was.

After you date someone for 18 months or so, as a woman you start to wonder - where is this going? And more than likely, you want to move in with him. You want to get engaged. You want to get married. You want to begin planning your life - a life that constantly revolves around the other person.

At least, that's what I have been doing with myself for the past two years.

I'm kind of over it.

I know that if we didn't have so many issues, I would be more comfortable with Ian traveling. I would also be even more comfortable with Ian traveling if he became more independent and paid for his own travel arrangements.

We are of two very different mindsets. Nothing is going to stop him from getting what he wants and even though there are things that I want, for both of us, it does not matter.

Part of me thinks that him being away will be good for us, just to be away from each other but then I wonder why we're in a relationship where being apart is actually going to do us both some good?

He's not going to be here for his birthday which means something I had planned I now have to cancel and try to get my money back.

As much as I love Ian, I almost never feel appreciated or loved like I used to. I am constantly playing second fiddle. I cannot keep waiting for the day that he decides to bump me up to first string. Lately, almost all I think about is leaving and meeting someone new who will treat me right. There's nothing wrong with living our own lives but when you're constantly making the decision to put your career first, before anything or anyone else - people are going to get hurt. Or more like, I'm the one who keeps getting hurt. And I've cried so many times and said so much that none of it even matters anymore.

I know that while he is gone I will have time to think about what I need to do even though I know that I need to leave him because emotionally, he treats me like shit, as if we just started dating, as if things aren't serious.

Leaving won't matter to him. I left once before...didn't make any difference what soever.

The only thing that matters is that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants, whether I am part of his life or not.

All he focuses on is what he can do to further his career and as more time passes, I feel less and less important to him and I feel like I am less and less a part of his life. I feel as though I am slowly being pushed out rather than being included and being treated the way I should - as a priority.

I know that this isn't how relationships are supposed to work and I'm tired of wishing he would try HARDER. I'm tired of feeling like I am THE ONLY ONE in this relationship who makes a god damned effort to keep us afloat.

I'm just tired, period.

Just read someone's blog who re-posted a story about a mama cat coming outside and finding that her kittens had been murdered. As in someone purposely tortured and killed kittens during the night and just left them there for the mother to find.

WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. PEOPLE......................

All I want to do is go home and have a group hug with my cats and Ian. I love my cats - if anyone even tried to hurt them, I would seriously lose my shit.

Poor kitties and that poor mama cat.

I think that if I stop expecting things, I won't be so disappointed.

As sad as that sounds, this has been one of my biggest problems ever since I can remember.

I expect people to be loyal to me and then they're not - I'm disappointed.

I expect my mom to be a real mom to me in my most heart wrenching and painful days and she's not - I'm disappointed.

I expect so much from Ian....it's not fair to him. And when I don't get what I want, I'm disappointed.

I don't feel that I'm settling by NOT expecting things but maybe I'm giving people more of a chance to show their true colors and giving them an opportunity not to screw up or let me down so hard.

Our anniversary did not go as planned.

The first half of the day was wonderful. We exchanged gifts. He printed out photos of us and bought this big frame and hung it up on the wall the following day. To be honest, as unhappy as we are with our apartment at times, seeing that frame as soon as I open the door makes it feel a little bit more like home.

Soon after we both got ready and finished exchanging presents, we were off to the Shedd Aquarium. Ian bought all access passes which meant we were able to go see the Wild Reef exhibit (it was more about seeing the sharks than anything else down there, though). We also got to go into the Jellies exhibit which is fairly new. Ian also got 4D passes for this short film and water squirted everyone in the face and while we watched this poor sea lion get swallowed up by a giant shark, something poked everybody in the back of the seats and all of us screamed or giggled.

He was also able to get passes to see the dolphin show and I cried when they unveiled some penguins just walking down the platform, not even 20 feet away from us. I love penguins. I love dolphins. They all warm my heart. I think that if I had the skills and concentration, I would want to be a marine biologist.

We went to dinner at this french restaurant in Wicker Park. It wasn't so great. I liked my food but for the price, it was just kind of like "...Really?" The people working there were also not so nice, probably because we're not hipsters and they can smell it on you as soon as you walk through the door.

Wicker Park is INFAMOUS for its hipsters so it's an area I try not to venture into very often and when I was working there, every time I saw a man in women's jeans I wanted to shoot myself.

We decided that the ring Ian gave me after dinner is to be a promise ring. At the time, calling it an engagement ring just upset me. It made me cry. The way everything was done...was not what I wanted to hear.

I love Ian very much and we're still very young. I don't want to get married tomorrow or next year...but I do want to plan for that wedding and for the family we want to have. I want to have a house that our children can live and grow in. I want a backyard they can play in, where we can have barbecues and sit outside at night while they're sleeping and just sit on a swing and talk. I want to stay young at heart, which I know is never easy. And I also want to grow old with Ian and look back on our lives. I want to regret nothing.

I'm worried that I'm not loved enough. Because I never have been. My father barely ever told me he loved me. He stopped saying good night to me by the time I started high school. My mom, overbearing as usual, forced me to tell her I loved her even after a giant fight when she made me wish we were both dead. I worry that I don't hear anyone tell me they love me enough and mean it.

I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time here...that Ian no longer wants to live a long life with me. Last night I heard him joking about being ill and got really upset and worried while he just shrugged it off.

I just want to know that he loves me as much as I love him and I want him to try harder...I just don't know when or if it'll happen.

I just want us to be happy.
No more secrets, no more lies.

That's why so many relationships fail.

You notice everyone else's beauty but mine.

And I cry myself to sleep almost every night because you look right through me - a blank stare.

An empty smile.

A cold embrace.

I'm all alone even when we're together in a crowded room.

I take your silence as a sign of defeat.

I do my best to make you happy but all efforts go unnoticed.

I'm dying inside because I want you to fix everything.

I want you to sew my heart back together.

And all you do is watch it break into smaller pieces with every hurtful thing you do.

You could be so much more...but you choose to be the lesser man.

This feeling of helplessness continues to overwhelm me.

truths

This past Saturday was almost the end for us.

I left the apartment and stayed at my mom's house and stayed there until yesterday afternoon. I cried in her boyfriend's arms. And while he is a man of few words, what he did say, made me feel better.

I found out that Ian has been hanging out and talking to his friend on a regular basis - his friend who hates me and wants Ian to break up with me. He's been hoping for it pretty much ever since we first got together.

I haven't done anything to this person. I've only met him once and yet, he says and tries to do such hurtful things that would make me wish I were dead.

A little less than a month ago, he even suggested that Ian leave me for a girl who does not even live in this country...and what's more is that Ian acknowledged what he said before sweeping it under the rug.

I've always said that I know Ian will never cheat on me because he's so timid with women but it terrifies me that there is this person in his life, this force, who will go so far as to tell him how to plan to get another woman just to get rid of me.

Yes. Let's just forget about the fact that Ian and I have been together for two years. Let's forget about the fact that Ian was the first person I was able to trust and love after my father died. Let's forget about the fact that Ian and I would like to one day get married, have babies and grow old with one another. Let's forget about the fact that less than six months ago, we took that extra step and moved in with each other.

Let's just forget about how serious we are about one another. And let's forget about how much I love him and how my life would be a great, big nothing without him in it.

Let's forget all of that.

I may yell at Ian and I may talk to him in ways he doesn't appreciate because of my bad temper and I may get frustrated with him or annoyed by him...but never have I ever considered leaving him for someone else. And more importantly, never have I ever had any of my friends say "look. here's a really great guy. go out with him and you'll have a new boyfriend."

When someone's telling Ian to leave me...it makes me feel so inadequate and so low. It just makes me want to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

I love Ian with every ounce of my body and every breath I take. He's my entire world. Without him, I have nothing. And as scary as that is, I would rather have that than have the emptiness I used to live with on a daily basis, nothing and no one to live for. I don't want that life. As terrifying as it is to have one person who can turn everything around at the drop of a hat, it's also...beautiful to me.

If you consider someone important to you, you want their happiness. You don't want to take it away. He might get mad at me sometimes and he might get sick of me but he loves me...

...Doesn't he?

It hurts me that I now have to doubt everything, that I have to question everything we've known since we've been together. But it doesn't hurt as much as the thought of him being influenced to cheat on me and leave me for someone who lives in Canada or someone he's never spoken to.

I'm not cold or heartless. I have a soul. I have a sadness in me and it comes alive every time someone steps on me and my emotions and thinks there will be no repercussions.

Ian says he'll cut him out of his life, that he'll email him and tell him he was out of line for the things that he said and attempted to convince Ian to do.

But what scares me is the fact that none of this mattered until I found out. A month went by. He didn't say a word to me about it. He sneaked around and lied...so what's going to keep him from lying about meeting someone new? What's going to keep him from lying about hanging out with his friend, again?

His friend wasn't out of line for trying to come up with a plan to get rid of me until I found out about it.

What if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who doesn't even want me around right now?

All of these thoughts have constantly been going through my head. Ian came to my mom's house yesterday and he even sat down and talked with her and we made up but I'm still so scared. And I don't know when I won't be scared anymore. I don't know when I'll be able to fully trust him again but this is the type of trust that has to be earned back and he has to show that he cares enough to make an effort to get me to trust in him again.

He put this wall up between us and now I feel as though I'm building my own wall to protect myself from more damage and hurt. I don't want to get hurt anymore. And when we met, I didn't think Ian was going to be that person like so many others before him.

I love him. That's why I went back to our apartment. But I'm still scared of losing it all and losing him to someone else. Those fears have just been amplified because of this incident.

All I know is that I have had a lot of friends in my life and none of them has ever come up with an intricate plan to get rid of a man that was currently in my life...because friends don't do that. What he did was insensitive and hurtful and while I don't wish anything bad for him, I know that one day fate and karma will come down hard on him. I can only hope that Ian will not have to be there to watch it happen.

And I hope that Ian can keep his promise of ending their friendship because at this point, that's all that can be done. Too much damage has been done to this relationship because of that one person. I'm afraid that I'm being a fool - that secretly Ian didn't want me to come back and he doesn't want me to be with him anymore and is just trying to be the victim in the situation. I don't know what's real anymore because every time I thought we were alright, he was telling his friend how unhappy he was.

...What am I doing wrong?