alone

It's the second day and things are already not going well even though it isn't even 7 a.m. yet.

I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, could barely breath, had a nightmare about Ian. And suddenly, I found myself just crying...just sobbing into the pillows like a child on punishment.

Every time he goes on a trip by himself, I fall into a depression. Because I've been severely depressed before, I know what it feels like.

Figuratively speaking, I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark room and I can't find a light or the door. I just feel alone. I've felt alone, even with Ian being here but this feeling is so different from that.

I'm trying my best to keep myself busy. I cleaned the kitchen last night and there are still more things I want to clean like the microwave and the fridge. Today when I get home from the gym, I was planning on cleaning off my desk, which has been a mess ever since we moved in. Because my friends are coming over tomorrow, I have to clean the entire apartment. But I find that when I'm actually allowed to stop and think, when I'm not watching things on Netflix or youtube or cleaning like a maniac, I get so sad.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why I have decided to put up with all of this crap that I take on a regular basis. I don't feel and I haven't felt for a while now, that our relationship is equal. At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision...I can keep putting up with this shit with the small hope that Ian will turn his lifestyle around or I can leave, suffer for a few months and cry it all out of my system, and then pick my life back up.

I'm lonely. I don't know how I became such a lonely person but I am. There are definitely times when I enjoy being alone but when it's forced like this, when I have no other choice but to sit in silence with my thoughts and ideas, I just get so sad.

Later on today, I'm sure I'll find the motivation to work my ass off (literally) at the gym and I'll feel better after that but at night, it's so quiet and dark. And like a small child, I'm terrified of going to sleep because I know he's not going to be there, talking to me, holding me, trying to get a good hold of the blanket before I steal it from him in my sleep during the night.

I am truly thankful for all of my friends who are always supportive of me and are there when I need them. Juan has agreed to spend the night tonight so that I'm not alone and I'd say that if tonight's sleep is similar to last night's, there's a good chance I'll end up sitting in the living room with him even though he'll be asleep.

I'm angry at Ian for not keeping in contact with me like he said he would, for not going on skype so we can see each other, for probably going out and not even telling me. I told him that it's the fear of not knowing. I'd rather know he's with this person or that person, or this bar or this restaurant than not know if he's okay. He seems to not understand or know how important it is to me, to know that he's alright. I care about him so much. I would cut my heart out of my chest if he needed it to survive but I often feel that the respect, love and concern that I have for Ian is never reciprocated on his side.

I have a lot to think about and I have a few days before I need to make any decisions but basically, I'm either going to move out while he's gone or I'll stay strong and stick through this like I always do. I'm just wondering when I'll reach my real breaking point.