Too many people have crapped on my life or left me and I've ended up as this jaded, introverted, judgmental person.
But I do want to be happy and silly and young and beautifully naive the way I'm supposed to be at this age.
I have my highs and my lows. It's not so much that I think about my father's death and what it did to me, but I do stop and think about all of the things that make me unhappy. I get to a point where I've been thinking so much about the bad that I fall into this hole (figuratively speaking) and I just hide inside of it, crying, mad, sad, feeling completely misunderstood like a 15-year-old girl whose parents won't let her get her way.
I really do feel that I've made him too important to me...that I don't spend enough time enjoying other things in life...I have one person I'd do literally, ANYTHING for and he's my entire world. It's an issue. I recognize that now.
He'll still remain important to me but I think that in order for him to still find me adorable and lovable and irresistable, I have to have my own life and I have to learn how to enjoy things again...and I don't mind learning to embrace my own life and being happy with it, with him by my side. But I want to watch a movie and NOT wonder if Ian is thinking about the woman's boobs or butt. I want to not care. It's sad that I care that much. Who cares.
A woman that he "works" with and I are very similar...when I'm happy. And I think I'm afraid that he'll leave me for her because she has things that I don't.
I know I can be happy again. As soon as I stop depending on someone else to make me happy..
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