Things would have been so much worse had he not slept here last night. I basically sat here crying for about four hours, totally perplexed as to why Ian has decided that since he's out of town, he doesn't need to text me or even call me for that matter. He has become infamous for making promises he cannot keep but I never thought making a simple phone call or talking on Skype would be so challenging for him. As far as work goes, as I predicted, nothing he's supposedly written is on the website yet - this happened to him more than a year ago when he traveled with some of these people and instead of working, he was going out, staying up late, whatever.
I didn't hear anything from Ian for four hours. At 3 a.m. I woke up because it was so hot -.- and there were text messages from Ian apologizing, saying he'd just gotten back to the hotel.
I'm not mad right now or upset. I am just confused about the whole thing and hurt by his actions. He has really made it abundantly clear what comes first in his life. I should note that we had not spoken to each other since the day before in the afternoon so this is why I was so upset that he continued to decide that going out was more important than talking to me.
I can't help but feel that he took this trip just to be away from me since it was so easy for him last night/this morning to avoid me, not answer my calls, not answer my text messages and instead of trying to keep me calm, his attempts came out as more of a scolding or a "you need to just get over it" type of attitude.
This trip has really opened up my eyes and I am leaning towards moving as much as I can out of this apartment tomorrow. The fact that I'm so serious about leaving and have wanted to leave in the past doesn't phase him at all. I guess that right there should be a big sign that I'm wasting my time here.
I don't think I want to be married to this person who found it so easy just to leave me in the fucking dumps while he went out to dinner and was drinking and having a good ol' time. He says I don't give him the opportunity to prove that he's changing but as I originally thought, this trip is doing more harm than good to our relationship and what's worse is that he is just too damn busy to care.
I feel nothing but resentment towards him right now and I honestly just want to leave him because this isn't right. Everything heading in this direction happened very slowly over the past couple years but now I see, everything I thought about Ian, all of the fears that I had, were correct. How can you invest so much time with someone, tell them you love them, move in with them...and treat them so horribly? And be so neglectful?
What on earth did I do to deserve this person to be in my life? How come he can't see how much he has hurt me and why won't he do anything to make it up to me?
I'm not here asking for the fucking universe, I'm just asking for some respect and kindness and generosity - things you're supposed to give in a relationship. But apparently, it's just become too difficult for him to make that effort and it's become too difficult for me to walk around with a broken heart every day that I'm waiting for him to put back together.
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