Our anniversary did not go as planned.

The first half of the day was wonderful. We exchanged gifts. He printed out photos of us and bought this big frame and hung it up on the wall the following day. To be honest, as unhappy as we are with our apartment at times, seeing that frame as soon as I open the door makes it feel a little bit more like home.

Soon after we both got ready and finished exchanging presents, we were off to the Shedd Aquarium. Ian bought all access passes which meant we were able to go see the Wild Reef exhibit (it was more about seeing the sharks than anything else down there, though). We also got to go into the Jellies exhibit which is fairly new. Ian also got 4D passes for this short film and water squirted everyone in the face and while we watched this poor sea lion get swallowed up by a giant shark, something poked everybody in the back of the seats and all of us screamed or giggled.

He was also able to get passes to see the dolphin show and I cried when they unveiled some penguins just walking down the platform, not even 20 feet away from us. I love penguins. I love dolphins. They all warm my heart. I think that if I had the skills and concentration, I would want to be a marine biologist.

We went to dinner at this french restaurant in Wicker Park. It wasn't so great. I liked my food but for the price, it was just kind of like "...Really?" The people working there were also not so nice, probably because we're not hipsters and they can smell it on you as soon as you walk through the door.

Wicker Park is INFAMOUS for its hipsters so it's an area I try not to venture into very often and when I was working there, every time I saw a man in women's jeans I wanted to shoot myself.

We decided that the ring Ian gave me after dinner is to be a promise ring. At the time, calling it an engagement ring just upset me. It made me cry. The way everything was done...was not what I wanted to hear.

I love Ian very much and we're still very young. I don't want to get married tomorrow or next year...but I do want to plan for that wedding and for the family we want to have. I want to have a house that our children can live and grow in. I want a backyard they can play in, where we can have barbecues and sit outside at night while they're sleeping and just sit on a swing and talk. I want to stay young at heart, which I know is never easy. And I also want to grow old with Ian and look back on our lives. I want to regret nothing.

I'm worried that I'm not loved enough. Because I never have been. My father barely ever told me he loved me. He stopped saying good night to me by the time I started high school. My mom, overbearing as usual, forced me to tell her I loved her even after a giant fight when she made me wish we were both dead. I worry that I don't hear anyone tell me they love me enough and mean it.

I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time here...that Ian no longer wants to live a long life with me. Last night I heard him joking about being ill and got really upset and worried while he just shrugged it off.

I just want to know that he loves me as much as I love him and I want him to try harder...I just don't know when or if it'll happen.