My friends slept over yesterday and the last two just left a few minutes ago. As I could tell it was getting closer to when they all had to leave, I developed more and more anxiety.
To top it off, I saw that Ian didn't sleep till around 230 in the morning, Seattle time..which would make that 430 here. What's crazy to me is how tired he is when he's here, how lethargic he sometimes is, how sad he seems because he's so stressed out about having to pay bills or get things done.
And I feel like while he's out there, he's probably this really different person who's happy, energetic, excited, spirited.
I'm just trying to figure out who Ian really is and I don't know why it's taken me two years to do it. I want Ian to be happy, I want to be happy and I also want us to be happy together. But these past few days he's been gone, I just feel as though he is happier not having me around, not having to talk to me, not having to deal with my crap.
I want us to be able to move forward and stop saying what we're going to do and just start doing. I know that there are a lot of things I need to change about myself and the way I do things, the way I overreact, the way I get so upset when things don't go my way.
There have honestly been a few times in my life when I've contemplated committing suicide, especially when my dad passed away. The reason why I was so sad about Ian being gone is because of what I mentioned earlier - he's here and he barely laughs or smiles and I just feel like it's my fault and I end up feeling guilty.
There are so many wonderful things in this world that make me happy - Please don't think I was saying that I want to commit suicide because I don't. Anyways, yeah, I just think that I need to do and see more of the things that make me happy here. I need to go to the art museum and just walk around, I need to walk in and out of expensive stores downtown and make fun of the people who spend way too much money on things they don't need, I have to keep spending time with my loved ones and appreciate our moments together. I need to....watch more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies/tv shows!!
I just want to be happy and satisfied with myself. And I know that I can't rely on Ian to do that for me but I also know that it's okay to let him be a part of that and let him help me become happy with myself emotionally and physically...if he actually wants to and tries to do that. I just need to stop being so discouraging.
The more I write, the better I feel. This has always been the case with me, which is why I write so friggin' much and talk so much...the more I get to express myself, the better..I guess.
But in the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself, "It's his birthday and you can't even talk to him or see him because he's working and he claims his phone is dying." And then I just start thinking of reasons why he doesn't want to talk to me and what I did, etc., etc.
I'm trying not to cry and I'm trying not to tell myself that he just doesn't care anymore about any of this and is totally over it but that's all I feel right now. And I feel that I'm the only one responsible for it even though that can't be the case.
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