forgiving

Today I started my letters. I've decided to write one for Ian as well and actually give it to him. Hopefully he'll read it at some point. As corny as all of this sounds, I'm half done writing them and I really feel like a weight has been lifted. I've decided that every time I think about all of the things those people put me through, I'm going to pull my notebook out and read about why I've decided to forgive them and what I forgave them for.

Last night I really felt it necessary to tell Ian about my family's alcoholism and how scary it has been growing up in that type of environment. And as I was writing my letters, I found that not one but two of my ex-boyfriends had drinking and alcohol issues so I understand why I'm so afraid for Ian. My day to day life is filled with fear. And I plan on doing whatever I can to stop it but I can't do it all on my own. I worry that Ian is too preoccupied to work towards our same goals, or if we have the same small goals.

I don't want to fight anymore - I want to work towards fixing things but I think it's harder for Ian based on how many blow ups we've had and how easy it has been for me to lose my temper. We both have bad tempers and it's gotta stop.