Ian has decided that he's going to PAX (a video game convention), even though I repeatedly told him it would be best if he stayed here.

He leaves in a week and will be gone for 5 days. It will be my first time alone in the apartment and I'm dreading it more than anything in the world.

I wasn't asked to go with and I wasn't asked how this situation would affect me based on how much we've struggled lately.

My opinion does not matter. My feelings do not matter. And I am one step away from walking away from all of this because of how inconsiderate he can be.

He can't afford to go - his mom paid for everything as a birthday gift but because she's the most supportive person in the world (I'm not being sarcastic; she really is great and I wish she was my mom sometimes), I'm sure she would have paid for everything anyways.

We have a lot of problems. At this point, I don't even know if we will make it to the end of the year. I'm thinking about moving out and just living with friends. Ian can live on his own. We can still date but I don't really know if living with each other is working anymore or if it ever was.

After you date someone for 18 months or so, as a woman you start to wonder - where is this going? And more than likely, you want to move in with him. You want to get engaged. You want to get married. You want to begin planning your life - a life that constantly revolves around the other person.

At least, that's what I have been doing with myself for the past two years.

I'm kind of over it.

I know that if we didn't have so many issues, I would be more comfortable with Ian traveling. I would also be even more comfortable with Ian traveling if he became more independent and paid for his own travel arrangements.

We are of two very different mindsets. Nothing is going to stop him from getting what he wants and even though there are things that I want, for both of us, it does not matter.

Part of me thinks that him being away will be good for us, just to be away from each other but then I wonder why we're in a relationship where being apart is actually going to do us both some good?

He's not going to be here for his birthday which means something I had planned I now have to cancel and try to get my money back.

As much as I love Ian, I almost never feel appreciated or loved like I used to. I am constantly playing second fiddle. I cannot keep waiting for the day that he decides to bump me up to first string. Lately, almost all I think about is leaving and meeting someone new who will treat me right. There's nothing wrong with living our own lives but when you're constantly making the decision to put your career first, before anything or anyone else - people are going to get hurt. Or more like, I'm the one who keeps getting hurt. And I've cried so many times and said so much that none of it even matters anymore.

I know that while he is gone I will have time to think about what I need to do even though I know that I need to leave him because emotionally, he treats me like shit, as if we just started dating, as if things aren't serious.

Leaving won't matter to him. I left once before...didn't make any difference what soever.

The only thing that matters is that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants, whether I am part of his life or not.

All he focuses on is what he can do to further his career and as more time passes, I feel less and less important to him and I feel like I am less and less a part of his life. I feel as though I am slowly being pushed out rather than being included and being treated the way I should - as a priority.

I know that this isn't how relationships are supposed to work and I'm tired of wishing he would try HARDER. I'm tired of feeling like I am THE ONLY ONE in this relationship who makes a god damned effort to keep us afloat.

I'm just tired, period.