truths

This past Saturday was almost the end for us.

I left the apartment and stayed at my mom's house and stayed there until yesterday afternoon. I cried in her boyfriend's arms. And while he is a man of few words, what he did say, made me feel better.

I found out that Ian has been hanging out and talking to his friend on a regular basis - his friend who hates me and wants Ian to break up with me. He's been hoping for it pretty much ever since we first got together.

I haven't done anything to this person. I've only met him once and yet, he says and tries to do such hurtful things that would make me wish I were dead.

A little less than a month ago, he even suggested that Ian leave me for a girl who does not even live in this country...and what's more is that Ian acknowledged what he said before sweeping it under the rug.

I've always said that I know Ian will never cheat on me because he's so timid with women but it terrifies me that there is this person in his life, this force, who will go so far as to tell him how to plan to get another woman just to get rid of me.

Yes. Let's just forget about the fact that Ian and I have been together for two years. Let's forget about the fact that Ian was the first person I was able to trust and love after my father died. Let's forget about the fact that Ian and I would like to one day get married, have babies and grow old with one another. Let's forget about the fact that less than six months ago, we took that extra step and moved in with each other.

Let's just forget about how serious we are about one another. And let's forget about how much I love him and how my life would be a great, big nothing without him in it.

Let's forget all of that.

I may yell at Ian and I may talk to him in ways he doesn't appreciate because of my bad temper and I may get frustrated with him or annoyed by him...but never have I ever considered leaving him for someone else. And more importantly, never have I ever had any of my friends say "look. here's a really great guy. go out with him and you'll have a new boyfriend."

When someone's telling Ian to leave me...it makes me feel so inadequate and so low. It just makes me want to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

I love Ian with every ounce of my body and every breath I take. He's my entire world. Without him, I have nothing. And as scary as that is, I would rather have that than have the emptiness I used to live with on a daily basis, nothing and no one to live for. I don't want that life. As terrifying as it is to have one person who can turn everything around at the drop of a hat, it's also...beautiful to me.

If you consider someone important to you, you want their happiness. You don't want to take it away. He might get mad at me sometimes and he might get sick of me but he loves me...

...Doesn't he?

It hurts me that I now have to doubt everything, that I have to question everything we've known since we've been together. But it doesn't hurt as much as the thought of him being influenced to cheat on me and leave me for someone who lives in Canada or someone he's never spoken to.

I'm not cold or heartless. I have a soul. I have a sadness in me and it comes alive every time someone steps on me and my emotions and thinks there will be no repercussions.

Ian says he'll cut him out of his life, that he'll email him and tell him he was out of line for the things that he said and attempted to convince Ian to do.

But what scares me is the fact that none of this mattered until I found out. A month went by. He didn't say a word to me about it. He sneaked around and lied...so what's going to keep him from lying about meeting someone new? What's going to keep him from lying about hanging out with his friend, again?

His friend wasn't out of line for trying to come up with a plan to get rid of me until I found out about it.

What if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who doesn't even want me around right now?

All of these thoughts have constantly been going through my head. Ian came to my mom's house yesterday and he even sat down and talked with her and we made up but I'm still so scared. And I don't know when I won't be scared anymore. I don't know when I'll be able to fully trust him again but this is the type of trust that has to be earned back and he has to show that he cares enough to make an effort to get me to trust in him again.

He put this wall up between us and now I feel as though I'm building my own wall to protect myself from more damage and hurt. I don't want to get hurt anymore. And when we met, I didn't think Ian was going to be that person like so many others before him.

I love him. That's why I went back to our apartment. But I'm still scared of losing it all and losing him to someone else. Those fears have just been amplified because of this incident.

All I know is that I have had a lot of friends in my life and none of them has ever come up with an intricate plan to get rid of a man that was currently in my life...because friends don't do that. What he did was insensitive and hurtful and while I don't wish anything bad for him, I know that one day fate and karma will come down hard on him. I can only hope that Ian will not have to be there to watch it happen.

And I hope that Ian can keep his promise of ending their friendship because at this point, that's all that can be done. Too much damage has been done to this relationship because of that one person. I'm afraid that I'm being a fool - that secretly Ian didn't want me to come back and he doesn't want me to be with him anymore and is just trying to be the victim in the situation. I don't know what's real anymore because every time I thought we were alright, he was telling his friend how unhappy he was.

...What am I doing wrong?